Meet my new friend Pamela. As a dating expert she is fascinated with relationships and has spent the last fifteen years of her life studying and observing relationships and human behavior.
In Pamela’s words “
“My dating experiences began after my ex-husband and I were divorced. Before I married, I was a serial monogamist, going from one relationship to another. When I met my ex-husband, we were good friends and he was good marriage material. But something was missing. After we divorced, I bought into all the stereotypical beliefs that I was too old, there are no good men out there, there are no single men where I live and I was afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid that I had made a huge mistake and lost my only chance for love. I was afraid I would be alone the rest of my life. When I realized that sitting home with dirty hair, Doritos, and ice cream was not getting me anywhere, I gathered the courage and decided to date.
Dating support community
Pamela started a “Dating Support Community” to help people find their ideal relationship by learning to date in a way that is fun, easy and works for them! To find out more about what Pamela does click here
I often speak to single women who tell me that they have had a terrible time dating , and that often they meet a nice man who seems interested in them- only to go on a first date and then never hear from him again.
Meeting “The One”
They get all excited and think that perhaps they’ve met “The One” and then they feel super-disappointed after being dumped after just one date!
Expert advice from Pamela
Here’s what Pamela has to say about this important subject…
Dumped After Just One Date!
Here is my story of how i was dumped after the first date! How I met a man I really liked, who really liked me back and then after just one date called me to say “I just don’t want to waste your time….”! So here’s the low down of exactly what I did right and then my critical mistake that changed everything!!
So here we go…
One day out of the blue, I was contacted by a man on Facebook. I was busy and building my business so I did not give him much thought. He was ok looking but not great AND based on his Facebook page, I thought he was an unemployed handyman so I was just not interested in him. But for months he kept pursuing me and we seemed to have a lot in common so finally, I decided what the heck and gave him my phone number.
Well as it turns out, he was an engineer, NOT unemployed and we had a lot in common. We both loved animals, enjoyed the outdoors, he was spiritual and we had similar backgrounds.
Dating Mistake No 1:
Being too judgmental based on a profile. Many men do NOT write good profiles. Give them a chance!
So we began to talk on the phone and regularly exchanged flirty texts with fun pictures. I was having fun while getting to know him.
Great Dating Move No. 1:
Being patient and taking the time to get to know someone before going out on date. And having fun and flirting at the same time.
But after several weeks of texts and calling I began to wonder when was I ever going to meet this guy? So when he text me again I made a joke about when my handsome new friend who had been flirting with me for weeks was ever going to ask me out. And then I let him ask me out.
Great Dating Move No. 2:
If waiting for a date seems to drag on, instead of getting frustrated or confrontational, ask for what you want in a fun and light way, then let him take the initiative.
Finally, we had our first date and I was so disappointed. I did not like him! In fact he bugged me! We were walking around downtown, and he kept making me stand on the inside of the sidewalk. I had to keep changing sides over and over and moving my purse back and forth. I was so annoyed and I wanted the date to end SOON. I thought-where is the guy I have been talking to for weeks?
Dating Mistake No 2:
Being too critical and judgmental. Remember, most people are nervous on a first date! Cut them some slack. He was making an effort and being a gentleman. Instead of appreciating him, I was judging him!
But I remembered my own coaching and I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. He was holding my hand the whole time, and while he annoyed me, I did not feel repulsed by him. So I stopped being in my critical mind and paid attention to how I felt. I realized I was kind of attracted to him. So I decided to show interest in him, practice flirting and focus on just having fun.
Great Dating Move No. 3:
Being polite, focusing on making your date feel comfortable, having a good time and just being interested in getting to know someone as a person.
The second I changed my perspective the whole date changed. We sat down by a fountain and began to talk. Suddenly it was like our phone conversations again. We had tons of stuff to talk about and I began to really like him and feel really attracted to him.
It began to get late and he suggested we have dinner. He took me to sushi restaurant and we sat down to eat. At this point, I began thinking about how I could really like this guy. And that he may be the one. Before I had been holding back at bit, but I felt myself start to get excited.
Dating Mistake No. 3:
This was the beginning of the end. Thinking he may be The One on a first date is a huge mistake. The imaginary relationship had begun and was about to ruin EVERYTHING!
During dinner, temporary insanity took over and I began to confide in him some personal issues I was experiencing in my life.
Shortly after that he said “it is getting late we should be going”. He walked me to my car, kissed me on the cheek and gave me a warm hug.
Later, he text me to make sure I got home ok. I text him back that I was on the phone talking to a girlfriend about her break-up. Thanks for dinner, I had fun.
Two days later he called me and said it was not going to work out because “I was all over the place” and he was ready to settle down.
What the heck happened?
We had a four-hour first date. He was affectionate, took me out to dinner, text me that night? I was glowing, I thought the date was great.
CRITICAL DATING MISTAKE THAT KILLED THE ATTRACTION: The second I decided I really liked him and that he could be “The One,” I treated him differently. I changed!
Before that moment, he was the one who was really interested in me, he was the one pursuing me.
But the second I started to really like him, I began acting like we were already in a relationship ON OUR FIRST DATE! I confided in him as if he was already my boyfriend. I opened up too much!
I confided private information about my life. When he text me I rambled on about my girlfriend’s break up instead of a polite thank you for your dinner.
So this is the pattern that I see a lot
When you begin to actually like a man, you become too eager.
When you are not interested in a man, you hold back more and that holding back is what makes him more attracted to you.
John Gray of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus explains the first stage in dating is attraction. He says:
“When a man is attracted to a woman, he gets excited because he anticipates that he can make her happy. He wants the opportunity to pursue her. When a woman is too eager to please, a man doesn’t experience the distance he needs to pursue her. Without movement and the opportunity for more, a man can easily lose the interest necessary to move through all five stages of dating.”
So what about all the men you are not interested in?
When a man is interested in you, he tries to please you and impress you. Many times you find his eagerness repelling.
Take my date, when he was trying to be a gentleman and hold my hand, and “protect me” by walking on the street side of the sidewalk. I was totally annoyed.
When I stopped being judgmental and allowed myself to be taken care of my feelings toward him totally changed.
One of my VIP clients is gorgeous, successful, smart, sweet, adventurous and fun- a great catch. I had her keep a dating log of all the men she talked to and dated. The log was filled with a long list of he “never called back”, “never asked me out” except one man. She wrote: “I enjoyed talking with him and he seemed to want a relationship and talked about things openly. But he seemed “pushy” and wanted to take me out to a casino, give me money to gamble with and was into planning things but a little too much too soon. I felt uncomfortable.”
Newsflash- a man who is willing to make plans and wants to take care of you is a sign of a man who is interested you and is available for a commitment.
So if it is a turn off to you when a man shows his interest and it feels like he is “trying to hard” when he wants to take care of you, how are you going to ever get into a committed relationship?
I suggest that you give these men a chance. Go out with them a few times. Get to know them. Look beyond the fact that they have “no game”.
In the seduction community- men who teach other men how to sleep with women- one of the first tricks they teach is to insult women several times during the night. This, they say, is guaranteed to make her want to go home with them.
If you are interested in men who are “hard to get” and who “hold back”, then you are reversing the masculine/feminine dynamic and you are becoming the aggressor. Being the aggressor will not get you into the committed relationship you are looking for.
So be open minded to men who are interested in you and want to take care of you. If you really want to be in a committed relationship, these are the guys. And they will probably treat you much better than the men who “have game”. The reason some men are so good at dating is because they have done it a lot- they are players.
Learn how to date casually. Stay present. Take your time getting to know someone. Take it slow. Give him the space to pursue you. And when he does, show appreciation. Give him a chance and practice allowing yourself to be taken care of.
Before you know it you will find your true love, a man who loves you and NEVER disappears!
Think About This too!
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