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Online Dating lie detecting

Did you know that Online Dating is the top moneymaker on the Web?

Chances are good that if you are single, you have joined a site or two yourself.  If so, you’ve probably asked my CyberRomance clients’ top question too:

“How can I tell if they are lying?”  Lot’s of ways!  Here goes:

First off, much of “the problem” of Internet lying is media overhype.  What kind of interest would there be in a story about all the honest people who are on the Net?

But of course some people do lie, and being concerned about who is and who isn’t lying makes a heck of a lot of sense.

Reasons people lie:

  • To avoid conflict.
  • To avoid the consequences of their behavior.
  • To postpone having to make changes in lifestyle.
  • To hide something they did or did not do.
  • To avoid rejection.
  • To be in control of a situation.
  • To avoid being embarrassed.
  • To make themselves appear more successful, good, or talented than they really are.

All make terrific reasons for people to lie online.

How to detect lying:

A truthful person will be “congruent.”    That means that all the information they give out — their words, body language, they way they live and dress, everything — fits together and contains no contradictions.  People who lie will be incongruent in some way.

Here’s what to watch out for:

1. How they use words: written, on the phone, or in person —

  • Talking faster or slower.
  • Changes in voice pitch.
  • Taking charge of conversation, attempts to distract you.
  • Continual denying of accusations.
  • Unusual voice fluctuations, word choice, sentence structure.
  • Stalling the conversation by repetitive use of pauses and comments like “um” or “you know.”
  • Lack of use of contractions.
  • Prefers emphasizing “not” when talking.
  • Being extremely defensive.
  • Saying “Trust me.”

2. How they behave or the attitudes they exhibit:

  • Being hesitant.
  • Nervous laughter.
  • Smugness.
  • Uncommon calmness.
  • Providing more information and specifics than is necessary or was asked for.
  • Inconsistencies in what is being shared.

3. In-person behavior clues:

  • Touching chin, covering the mouth, or rubbing brows.
  • Crossed arms or legs.
  • Pupils narrow.
  • Playing with hair.
  • Body language and facial expressions don’t match what is being said such as saying “no”, but nodding head up and down.
  • Avoidance of eye contact, eyes glancing to the right, staring past you or down, or turning away from you while
  • They are talking.
  • Rigid or fidgeting.
  • Slouching posture.
  • Unnatural or limited arm and hand movements.
  • Partial shrug.
  • Lack of finger pointing.
  • May place a barrier such as a desk or chair in front of self.
  • Sweating, even if it isn’t a warm day.
  • Saying “no” several times.

4. Your own inner cues:

  • You sense something is not right.
  • Explanations do not feel enough for you.
  • You feel confused, you find yourself squinting or angling your head.
  • You feel a block or a wall between you and the other.

In Internet dating, or any kind of dating for that matter, keep your anxiety down, your head attached, and LISTEN to everything your date tells you in every way. People tell you about themselves constantly, from the very first second of contact. You have to be willing to hear it. Not only do they tell you by what they do say, they tell you by what they don’t say.

Many of these cues can come from simple distraction or nervousness, not deceit. New daters have plenty of reasons to be anxious. Signs of lying differ from one person to another. Don’t let your own nervousness force a jump to wrong conclusions. Give your date a break and take some time.

Often, Cyber daters move too quickly to the phone and/or a face to face meeting. Gone is the golden opportunity to safely ask questions and study answers slowly and over time. Vastly increased are tension and anxiety, which complicate clear thinking and judgment.

With online dating, you have a tremendous advantage over meeting immediately flesh-to-flesh: You have a written record of what the other tells you. Make use of it! Take your time and get to know your potential Sweetheart the old-fashioned way — through writing!

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

5 Internet safety tips

Let these safety tips guide you through email, phone and live contacts

Let these safety tips guide you through email, phone and live contacts

While Internet dating can open many doors for daters, you need to be smart and safe when meeting people online. Use these 5 Net SMART safety tips to protect your privacy. Based on interviews with hundreds of active internet daters for my dating book, SMART Man Hunting (http://www.smartmanhunting.com), I developed these guidelines for you.

In addition to these interviews, I personally tested 7 online dating sites, ended up with 4-7 dates/week and found my guy through an online matchmaker. You can also find love online.

When you search for love online, you need to be careful because not everyone has the same value systems. Be cautious when dealing with strangers and take precautions to shield your privacy at all costs.

While the flood of emails that you will receive from Internet dating can be a great ego boost, let these safety tips guide you through email, phone and live contacts.

1. Be Anonymous When Emailing

When you set up your Internet dating profile, matchmaking web sites will give you an account that allows you to stay anonymous. Avoid using anything that could identify you when you select your username or email address.

Set up an email account that is fun and anonymous. For example, if you have an email with your name in it, then do not use this account for online dating. Just figure out any kind of fictitious name or “handle.” If you’d like, you can use an email address that reveals something about yourself such as a hobby or personal trivia. For example, my email address was tied to my interest in sailing (ex. pacificsails@hotmail.com). One of my male candidates used “greeneyes” as his username, which helped him stand out in the crowd.

2. Take a Second Look at the Photos

If you are suspicious about the age of a photo that you see on an Internet dating profile, you might want to ask the person for a recent photo. Check out the response and you might just be surprised by what comes back.

One of my dating coaching clients recently sent me two photos of a woman he met online with very different current versus profile photos. He was smart to ask for a recent photo.

I also interviewed a woman for SMART Man Hunting who had a surprising lunch with a guy who did not look anything like his profile photograph. The online photo made him look around 35 with dark hair, and when she went on the date, the guy was completely gray and closer to 50-years-old. You want to avoid this situation if possible.

3. SMART Phone Contact

After several safe email exchanges, you can cautiously move to the next Internet courtship level. Arrange time to speak on the phone and see if the conversation flows or is a struggle.

Because you are still dealing with a virtual stranger, you should use safety guidelines for connecting on the phone. First, if you are a woman, ask for the guy’s phone number and use Caller ID blocking (*67) when you call him so that your phone number is not revealed. You can even use Caller ID blocking on most cell phones so always try using *67 when placing first calls.

If you get to the point where you are comfortable giving out your phone number, use a cell phone or alternate number to your home phone. If someone is really creepy and has your home or work phone number, they can search for your address online using whitepages.com.

Trust your gut instincts when you talk to someone on the phone. If someone makes you feel the least bit uneasy or puts you off in any way, just say Next. It won’t get better if you meet in person. Remember there are plenty of other candidates out there. Next….

4. Continue to Put “Safety First” When Making Live Contact

When you decide to meet in person, pick a public place and make sure you are familiar with the area before you agree to the location (I skipped this research step and ended up meeting a guy in a restaurant that is in a Los Angeles gang neighborhood because I did not know the area – that mistake did not happen twice).

While you want to relax and have fun on your first date, you still need to play it safe. Meet your potential match at the rendezvous location–never rely on someone you don’t know for a ride. Don’t even accept a ride home even when you feel as though your date is on the up and up. If you drove, you also want to avoid allowing them to walk you to your car. It’s best to even keep the make, model and license plate of your car a secret.

My favorite meeting place is a local coffee shop, but not one too close to your home. If you schedule a lunch or dinner date, use valet parking when possible so that the candidate, who is primarily a stranger at this stage, cannot follow you to your car when you leave.

As a back-up plan, you may also want to give your date details (time, date and location) to a friend. If you are nervous, ask a friend to call you on your cell phone to check-in during the date.

Lastly, hold your cards close to your chest. Be careful about the amount of information you share during these first meetings and phone calls. Never give out your last name or address until you are comfortable with someone’s character.

5. Consider Background Checks

If you are curious, there are many ways to find out more about your potential mates. Internet search vehicles can help you find out details about candidates prior to meetings.

By searching on someone’s name online, you can easily gather information about their background. For example, if you use Google.com, you might find out about their educational degrees, work history, and personal information (I found out about someone’s marriage history and read a strange Valentine online from a guy’s ex-wife that made me think twice).

You can also click on the “Groups” button to learn more about their interests or check genealogy sites for family history. And if you get serious with someone you meet online, you can even go to the extreme of hiring a professional investigator to check out their history more thoroughly.

You can make love happen online and protect your privacy. You are playing the dating numbers game and the odds are in your favor that you will find your match. Be smart, safe and trust your gut instincts when dating online.

For more information about Internet dating tips or for coaching, check out Liz’s SMART Dating Packages on LookBetterOnline.com or pick up a copy of SMART Man Hunting (http://www.smartmanhunting.com)

Happy Hunting!

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Wanting a relationship is not the same as being desperate

It was the same discussion that we’d had several times before. I sat down with my friend as her two kids jumped up and down, excited that I had come to visit. While I played with the kids I told her honestly that I hoped someday I could find what she had, a husband that loved her and a beautiful family. Instead of understanding, she told me that I’d find that someday and why didn’t I just be happy to be single. She wished she could be single again, she said. She got married when she was 25, and met her husband several years before that, and remembered her freewheeling single days fondly. Of course, she was a single girl in her 20s, I reminded her. She couldn’t know how I felt because it was a different thing to be dating in your 30s and beyond. When I told her this she rolled her eyes, and said, “You don’t need a man to be happy.”

I have always been an extremely busy and independent woman and was constantly involved in a multitude of activities? so why didn’t I meet the right guy then?

Well I did meet lots of guys over the years. And I did meet them in all the usual places: at work, at church, through friends, and yes, in bars. I dated often enough and had several serious relationships over the years. But for whatever reason none of the people I dated were “the one,” or to put it in a less romantic tone, none of them were simply right for me. Sure, the majority of them were nice, sweet, good people ? I think of many of them fondly and hope they found someone great that they could build a life with.

But as the years went on it was obvious that I wasn’t going to meet my dream man using the methods all my friends used to meet theirs. In fact, while my friends had sympathy that I hadn’t found the right guy yet, I doubted that many of them could actually relate to what it’s like to be a single in your 30s. Many of my friends met their significant others during college or in the years shortly after. They met tons of people during that time when all of us met lots of people ? when we’d just always be in a big group and meeting someone new was common, frequent, and no big deal.

But when you get a bit older, suddenly meeting someone is a bigger deal. For the most part you don’t just hang out in groups like you did before and if you do the majority of people in the group are usually already hooked up with someone else. Even if you’re not looking for marriage right away, dating isn’t as casual in your 30s as it as in your 20s.

When you are in your 20s and you date a guy for a few years to “see where things go” it’s no big deal when you break up because there’s usually another guy right around the corner. But when you’re in your 30s, you’re more discriminating. Besides that, there seems to be more misconceptions and baggage that we take with each new year of our life and into each new relationship. And when you start hitting your 30s, both men and women look at dating as a very different thing. There’s a societal joke that men are trying to hold off finding the right person for as long as they can and women are speeding up every day to find them. Of course, I don’t believe in that, I think both men and woman want to find someone to share their life with ? but you need to not only find the right person but find them at the right time in your life. I was never a girl that was in a rush to get married, and never thought I’d meet someone and marry them within a year. But when you find the right person, sometimes your preconceived notions go out the window.

If you, too, feel you’re in a position where some of your friends don’t seem to quite understand your situation, take heart. One or two of mine didn’t either. Oh sure, they were as supportive as they could be, but when someone meets their husband when they’re 22 how understanding can they really be when you’re 30-something and you’re telling them you’d like a relationship? I was ready to meet someone and settle down at the time most of my friends had been married for years. While I agreed with the particular friend that told me I didn’t need a man to be happy I found it ironic that she’d say that having never been without a relationship.

I didn’t get married until I was 37, and I spent my single years very happy. I’ve always made the most of my life and my circumstances. But if you also have a friend that poo poo’s your desire for a relationship; take it with a grain of salt. One friend of mine got married, had kids, and then suddenly decided it’d be great to be single again. Those types of people are not going to understand the situation you are in, they’ve never lived their life with the possibility of ending it completely alone. Their idea of being alone harks back to their single years when they were in their 20s and didn’t have a date for a few weeks. Even then they probably had a big group of pals to hang with and were never, really, truly alone. They aren’t going to get it. So cut your friends some slack.

And if you’re a hard working single adult you know something else. Your employer probably isn’t going to understand it, either. I’ve worked for a multitude of organizations over the years and the one commonality they had was an inability to understand the single life. There is a perception that all us singles are carefree and can therefore work more hours than our married counterparts. We don’t have kids, so then we don’t have real responsibilities. Right? If there is choice between you working late and your married coworker who has to pick the kids up from daycare, who is going to get the short end?

While the married folks of this world may think that’s only right, I disagree. Again, I think this misconception comes from our coworker’s single years. They remember the girl’s nights or hanging out with the guys for drinks after work, so they’ve convinced themselves that’s what we are doing after work too. If they could live your life for a single day, they’d know what it’s like to work longer than someone else because you are single and don’t have to be home at a certain time, and then to come home alone and have it be too late to even enjoy a nice dinner by yourself.

People seem to misjudge the singles in their 30s and beyond. Many of us have serious obligations; some of us care for parents or grandparents simply because our married siblings don’t have time because they’ve started a new life. This can make you feel very lonely and misunderstood.

While my friends on the whole were sympathetic to my situation, I doubt they completely understood it. Your friends and your employer may not understand your current situation and wants for your life, but I do. I was right where you are. I get it and that’s why I wrote this book.

It is during these times when singles can suddenly feel as if they have to reveal more about their single life than they’d wanted. When our employer asks us to work late or take that overnight trip because our married coworker has their kids to take care of (or to translate, has a life and you don’t) we are made to feel that much more as a misfit of society.

I began to realize that to take charge of my single life, whether I eventually met the right person or not, meant that I would need to defend my free time as stringently as the marrieds I worked with. As a single person I took care of a serious family situation at one point ? moving home with my mom and helping to take care of my grandparents. I raced home to make dinners and spent my off hours with family business. Yet when I told my employer I had to leave at my normal time because I had obligations, he looked at me like I was whining. Suzie had kids to pick up, he’d say, or Joe had his family to go home to. Even with having family obligations of my own my employer viewed me as someone that could sacrifice my life for the good of the company. It was an unwritten rule that when you are married you have something bigger than your job to get home to. Employers seem to understand this. What they don’t understand is when you’re single and you say you’ve got to go simply because you want to live your life.

I say the first step in successful Internet dating is to reclaim your personal life. If your friends give you less than a sympathetic ear because you haven’t met someone or your employer expects you to give your job a bit more than your married coworker just because, stand up for your personal life and be stringent about it. Tell your employer no when he asks you to work late and be set upon it.

When I started Internet dating I worked at least 60 hours a week for an employer who thought my free time was the same as company time. In addition to putting in long hours at work I went to school full-time, but each time there was a big project due and “someone” had to put in the extra time, it came down to me. Even if my boss did spend a few hours extra in the office, he’d view it as time away from the tension at home, not as time away from his life. Inevitably, I spent more time in the office than anyone else. This was both my employer’s fault and my own. Since I was single for so long I also bought into the myth that my time was less important.

This is a point that singles and married people will no doubt argue for decades. As someone that was single for years and is now married, I can tell you first hand that my life as a singleton was just as important as my life now. This is an inequity that singletons need to help their employers change.

The fact remains that if you’re single you don’t need to explain where you’re going when you say you can’t work late or can’t take that overnight trip. If you’re employer balks, find a new one. Eventually they will get it.

In my very early days of Internet dating I approached it as a side job. It was something I did if I “had time.” But the fact remained that with a job that took up 60 or so hours a week, and school that took up another 20, I didn’t have the time. The first couple dates I had were always put on notice, I set up a date with someone only with the understanding that I might have to cancel at the last minute. This made me sound self-absorbed and flighty ? except I didn’t realize it right away.

It wasn’t until one date that I finally got it, and changed my tactics from then on. I had gone on quite a few Internet dates, and yet didn’t quite have what I would call a “system” down yet. I did it sporadically and when I felt I had time. Looking back, I’m certain that my distractedness carried over onto some of the dates.

I had been corresponding with one guy for quite a few weeks, but we couldn’t seem to find a time to meet. That is, I couldn’t seem to find time to squeeze this guy into my busy schedule. We would set up times to meet, and then inevitably I would have to cancel at the last minute. I had great excuses each time ? I had a work project that had just come in and my boss now expected me to give up my weekend to finish it, then because of the project I needed the rest of my free time to work on a paper for school, etc. This guy would simply laugh each time, saying, “You are just one busy girl, aren’t ya?”

Finally, I agreed to meet him for a quick cup of coffee. I told him ahead of time that I was super busy that day and might even have to cancel at the last minute. He merely said, “So what else is new?”

At the coffee shop I hurried in, greeted him quickly, and then ran to order my drink. I sat down breathless and exhausted, and finally said, “Hi, nice to meet you.” This guy was amused at my behavior. He told me point blank that the only reason he’d stuck around for the last few weeks is because he just had to meet this girl that was so busy and important. When our conversation turned to him, I found out he ran his own company, took frequent business trips, and had a pair of teenage daughters to take care of. He was more than successful, and busy, in his own right. Despite having an equal number of obligations as me, he was determined to meet someone special and was willing to spend the time to do it.

I came away from our meeting with a new sense of purpose. I finally saw that my work life was wreaking havoc on my ability to just plain have a life. And more than that, I realized if I didn’t make the necessary changes now I would probably be in the same position ten or twenty years from now ? with a great career but not much else.

Now I’m not saying that you should abandon your career or other interests in pursuit of dating and meeting someone special. I’m saying that if you’ve spent a lot of years wondering why you haven’t met someone yet; take a look at your life. Picture someone great walking through the door today and determine if you’ve got the room to have him or her in your life. If you don’t, change the way you are handing things. Maybe you don’t need to spend so much time at work and be such a perfectionist with cleaning your house, for example.

First of all, don’t let anyone in your life make you feel bad for wanting to be happy. Sure, there are people in this world that jump into relationships too quickly. I know of equal numbers of men and women that can’t seem to be happy unless they are “with someone.” To these people I say, spend some time alone. Lots of it. Figure out what you want, what you like, and then (and only then) start to date someone.

What I’m talking about is the rest of us. The people who are not willing to jump into or hang on to a relationship that isn’t quite right for us. We don’t want to meet someone because we can’t be alone; we want a relationship because sharing our lives with someone would be a great complement to the rest of the world we have built for ourselves. We want someone special, not just someone for right now.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

The Secrets of a Successful Profile

It’s supposed to happen quickly. You should be able to join a dating site, shoot out a few winks, follow them up with some emails and in no time at all find yourself sipping cocktails with someone who makes you go “hmm, I like the look of them…”

In practice though, it’s never that simple. Online dating is exactly like offline dating… but with a greater number of people and a wider variety of options. You still have to put in effort. You still have to look the part. You still have to smile, dress up and make people laugh.

But online, you have to do it all before you even meet.

That’s the part that dating sites tend to neglect. They assume you know that dating is all about first impressions, looks and personality.

But they also assume you know how to express those things online.

The truth is that making a good first impression across the Web requires some very special skills.

It requires a photograph that doesn’t just show you, but one that shows you at your best. Your features have to be clear, your look has to be appealing and your appearance has to be relaxed and inviting. A snapshot won’t cut it — any more than wearing jogging pants and a t-shirt will cut it at a party — and neither will an old vacation photo. It’s possible that you might have a good, usable photograph stashed away somewhere on your hard drive but in general few people do have one. They just have photos that make do.

That’s the difference between meeting someone wearing the first thing you picked up off the bedroom floor, and meeting someone wearing your best outfit, while feeling confident and relaxed.

It’s the difference between being just another fuzzy-looking online single and being clearly an attractive partner and an excellent date.

It’s the difference between spending months writing emails or waiting for responses, and receiving plenty of replies and dates as early as this weekend.

LookBetterOnline was created to give singles the most important tool they need to find love online fast: a look that truly reflects them. For as little as $197, we can give you a complete set of pictures designed specifically for dating sites and save you months of fruitless searching. Take look here to find a photographer in your area today, and give yourself a profile that gets results.

What To Expect On A First Date

The real test of a dating site isn’t the number of messages you get or the beauty of your essay. It’s the dates and the face-to-face meetings. You might both have been whizzes at email and talked easily on the phone but it’s only when you’re together, across the same table, that you can get a feel for whether you can keep the conversation — and the company — going for years.

Often though, the first date is a disappointment. After a two or three-week build-up, you can expect to hit it off right away, to be chatting for hours and to assume that you’ll want the first date to last forever.

It doesn’t always work that way. In fact, it rarely works that way. It’s more usual to wonder how the person sitting in front of you managed to look so good online and so bad in the flesh, how they could be so eloquent in an email and so tongue-tied in person… and how you can get out of there fast as a flash without being rude.

The first way to avoid to avoid disappointing first dates is to lower your expectations. Assume that the picture you see on a profile is going to be flattering — the fact that someone can look that good doesn’t mean they will look that good. Meeting someone you’ve found on a dating site isn’t a blind date but you’re not going in with 20/20 vision either. Expect to be surprised… and be open-minded about what you see.

It’s also a good idea to prepare. That means more than pulling on some fancy clothes and splashing on the scent. It means thinking of a few conversation starters for the times when the talk breaks down. Go over the person’s profile and look for things you’d like to know more about: what did they do in Tahiti? Why did they choose to become a patent lawyer? How was growing up in Bogsville, Iowa?

And finally, prepare your escape. Book a call from a friend, practice your fake migraine, think about the early meeting you have in the morning. If all goes well, you won’t have to use it, but you should never go into a first date without a good excuse already lined up that can stop a bad night lasting forever.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

CyberCheapskates and net gold diggers

The ONLY people on these online dating sites who are emailing anyone are the ones who have paid!

The ONLY people on these online dating sites who are emailing anyone are the ones who have paid!

Did you know that  Match.com has around twelve million members, but only a million or so of those listed have paid their dues?

The most asked questions from Romance Clients?  “Why don’t they answer my emails?”  Well, first off, you don’t know and never will.  But it’s a pretty good guess is that this guy or lady is cheap.

If you have had much experience as an Internet dater, you’ve undoubtedly had the experience of putting out first email contacts to prospective Sweetheart and then gotten no answer back.  A response rate of 30% to first emails is considered good!

On Match.com as well as many of the other Internet dating sites, you can post a profile for free, but you have to pay to email other listers or respond to emails sent to you.

You can’t tell the payers from the freeloaders.  And people who aren’t paid members can’t email, either to contact you first, or to answer when you write.  That means that a very high percentage of those people you are carefully looking over are too cheap to pay less than a dollar a day to be able to email you!

Maybe that’s a lot of what’s behind the 30% who do get back to you.  They’re the only ones who are paid up!

Though I live now in Mississippi with my new husband Drew, I’m from Maine.  I still own a house there on a beautiful island in the mid-coast area, so I get back to visit once or twice a year.  Every spring, after the snow melts, all the debris that has accumulated over the winter along the roadsides gets exposed to the light of day.  And along with tulips and daffodils, up spring the “For Sale” signs.

For years I wondered about why so many houses came up for sale every spring.  Every other house seems to be on the market.

Finally, someone explained to me that lots of folks just put out those “For Sale” signs sort of for sport.  All the locals know that summer people are heading this way, and those “city folks” have very distorted ideas about fair property values.  So the sport is to put out a “For Sale” sign, ask a very inflated price, and see if anyone will bite.  If you’re lucky and catch a rich one, you just may be able to fund your retirement.  Otherwise, life goes on, you get to stay in your house, and then try again next year.  Sounds like a form of digging for gold to me.

Believe it or not, lots of people who are listed on dating sites are doing just that:  They put out their “For Sale” sign with their profile and look like they are seriously “in the market” for a Sweetheart.  Really, they have a way over-inflated idea of what they can get and are waiting to see if some fool will bite.  These folks have stuck out their “For Sale” sign, but they aren’t seriously looking.  Except for the jackpot.

In the Internet dating world, this is deceptive advertising in the worse way, because the reader has no way of knowing if the profiler they are interested in is really serious and a paid-up member or not.  The ONLY people on these online dating sites who are emailing anyone are the ones who have paid!  All the others are freeloading teases.

If you are considering CyberRomance or are already posted on a site or two, pay your dues like a grown-up.  Do your part to contribute to the energy and integrity of this wonderful resource for singles.  If there’s a time to “put your money where your mouth is,” this is it.  If you’re serious, pay up. If you’re not serious, stay out of the game.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Kathryn Lord ©  All Rights Reserved

Become a babe magnet without surgery or drugs!

“I’d like to find a partner who dances.  Do you?” my profile on Match.com asked.  My now-husband Drew emailed that he was willing to take lessons, and that was enough for me.  Non-dancer Drew’s courage to put himself out on the dance floor and to show in lesson after lesson his amateur status was truly impressive.  We took private dance instruction for a year before our wedding, and as a result, got around the dance floor quite gracefully at our
reception.

Women are dying to dance.  Any man who can ask a woman to dance, then take charge of what happens on the floor and move relatively smoothly to music, has enormous appeal.  Fat or skinny, short, tall, or not even close to attractive, even old, old, old, a man who is comfortable on the dance floor has his pick of the ladies.

For whatever the reason, dancing intoxicates.  Especially women.

Few men can really dance, and those guys are on the floorconstantly.  Some men think they can dance and do get up, ask the ladies, and have fun.  But at least half the men sit or stand uncomfortably on the sidelines with all the women who wish to be on the dance floor.

We women don’t get to dance nearly as much as we’d like to, even the ladies who are good dancers.  There aren’t enough dancing men to go around. You can almost feel the yearning, the sadness, and the disappointment in those women and between those non-dancing couples.  And the non-dancing guys?  Pathetic.

I personally know three women close to my age who met their now – spouses on the dance floor, and those ladies were great catches! Gentlemen and ladies, there’s a message here.

Guys:

  1. Take lessons and learn how to dance.  Leading well takes skill, but if Drew could learn how, so can you.
  2. Go to dances.
  3. Ask women to dance.  Lots of women.  They’ll love it.  Even if you aren’t so good, they’ll appreciate your efforts.

Dance lessons themselves are good places to meet women, and most dance studios have regular parties for their students to practice what they have learned.

Ladies:

  1. Take dancing lessons yourself and learn how to follow.  Here I was, 50 years old, thinking I loved to dance, and I had no idea how to do the woman’s part!  Following takes skill!  You have to figure out what your partner has in mind for you to do in a split second, and then actually do it, all while dancing backwards.
  2. Buy yourself some real ballroom dancing shoes, maybe with high heels.  Believe it or not, those shoes are comfortable. They have to be.  Not only do they look very sexy, they stay on your feet!
  3. Hang out at dances, too, if you like to dance.  Single guys go to dances.

If you are connected to a dance studio, other single women will be at their parties as well as the studio instructors and male students, so you will know people.  Dance parties are safe and comfortable for single women.

Guys — nothing enhances as man’s romantic marketability more than becoming a decent dancer.  Learning to dance is cost

efficient and relatively painless.  No surgery or blood loss, no sweaty hours at the gym, no personality makeovers needed. Just dance lessons.

What’s stopping you?  Look up the dance studio nearest you and make that call!  You’ll become a dancing babe magnet!

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Kathryn Lord © 2004 All Rights Reserved

Seven secret strategies for finding love

Get out of the house.  Learn to be comfortable sitting solo at Barnes and Noble, and over wine or soda at Café Marmelade.

Be a people magnet.  Develop your inner flirt.  Practice chatting up total strangers at the UPS Store, at the Mobil station, at Trader Joe’s.

Be the initiator. Don’t wait for invitations, rather look for and pounce on those chance encounters, which happen for each of us every day.  Have cards printed with your phone number and email address, offer them to those you meet, ask for theirs, and get comfortable reaching out to initiate dates with old and new friends.

Develop your Romance Marketing Plan.  Create and follow a proactive strategy to jump-start your love life.  Pop online, join a local club or dating agency, throw some parties – do whatever it takes to get your cute face on a date with one or two new, prospective partners each month.

Primp.  Get fit, stay fit, care about your hair and what you wear – this is California, where appearances matter, perhaps more than they should.  Take those few extra moments before going out to look your best.  Get current, flattering photos of the adorable YOU, and have the courage to use them online.

Think possibility.  Look for what’s right (not for what’s wrong) with each person you encounter.  Always accept invitations, use your ears more than your mouth, make your purpose to enrich and contribute to the life of each person fortunate enough to bump into and be with YOU.

Be happy – Engage in the activities you truly enjoy, keep learning, keep growing, be giving, be loving.  Be the type of person you’d like to attract, and watch who shows up!

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

The Metrosexual Man vs The Cowboy – What do women want?

He always looks perfectly put together. He can be in a t-shirt and jeans or heading out to a black-tie event. His hair never has a bad day. His nails are clean and buffed. His clothes are perfectly pressed and exquisitely coordinated. He smells like flowers and spice. Is he gay? No, he’s the new metrosexual man.

As many of you know by now, the term “metrosexual” was coined by a journalist (and gay man) named Mark Simpson, to describe a new kind of urban male who is straight, but in touch with his feminine side and not afraid to show it. Essentially, metrosexuals are guys who take on behaviors and show an interest in things that have traditionally belonged in the female domain.

You may have a metrosexual brother, male friend or boyfriend (ex). These are the guys you can shop till you drop with. They can discuss fashion, will notice your great new shoes, buy their grooming products from the same places you do and have no qualms about having a manicure, pedicure or facial. You can actually TALK to these guys about something other than sports, cars and other traditionally male interests. These are the guys you can take to the opera, symphony and ballet. The perfect man, right? Depends on whom you talk to.

Let’s step back a minute and look at the where and how of the existence of the metrosexual man. Simply put, he is a by-product of feminism and the changing roles and related expectations of women. As women have moved into (previously) male dominated environments and roles, it has caused a shift in the male-female balance. Women are now active participants in industry, politics and the professions- to name a few. However, as they have left their old jobs as homemakers and full-time domestic caregivers, they left a lot of empty space to be filled. Childcare providers and the domestic cleaning industry could provide some of this. The problem was all the “other” stuff women had always done.

Men were therefore called upon to contribute more to the raising of children, housework, cooking, shopping, etc. Their sons were being exposed a new role model, a dad who took on jobs and chores that had traditionally belonged to mom. Young boys themselves were also being tapped to do housework and help with siblings, exposing them to a new way of being a male in our society. Women had become more independent and financially and professionally successful. Men had become more domestic and had to soften their style as they moved into more traditionally feminine roles.

A new social order had evolved that worked for everyone, right? Not necessarily. We never take on something new without giving something up. So, what has been discarded? Clearly defined social roles and the expectations that come with them- for starters. Suddenly there was a new blueprint for how men and women should relate- especially in the world of dating. However, it was unclear and depending upon whom you asked, you would get a different answer. Usher in the confusion and frustration surrounding dating in the new millennium.

Women ask questions such as:

  • who asks who out
  • who calls who
  • who pays
  • who makes decisions about where to go, etc.
  • What are the expectations at the end of the date
  • how soon should we become intimate

Women comment on:

  • his lack of initiative in calling or asking her out
  • his expectation that they will go dutch
  • how he never offers to pick her up
  • his overall lack of assertiveness
  • his saying he will call, but not following through
  • his too polished style which lacks a certain spark of masculinity
  • his taking longer to get ready than she does
  • his crudeness or over aggressive style
  • his expectation that they will have sex

Men ask questions such as:

  • what do women want
  • why should a guy have to ask a girl out
  • why should the guy always pay
  • why do women say they want sensitivity, etc., but see guys like that as wimps
  • why do women give out such mixed signals in general
  • why do women seem to reject nice guys and go for jerks
  • why can’t a woman be the aggressor

Men comment on:

  • women acting spoiled
  • women wanting their independence, etc. but not wanting equal responsibility and weight
  • women expecting a lot from men, but offering little in return
  • women not knowing what they want
  • women playing games
  • women’s attraction to “bad boys”

Both women and men verbalize that they are okay with the current roles that have evolved for them in our society, yet I hear both talk wistfully about how it was in previous generations. Back then; everyone KNEW what was expected from him or her. Life was predictable. Dating was much simpler and “safer”. Men were men and women were raised to be wives and homemakers.

We have gained something and we have lost something. One thing for sure, we can never have it both ways.

What’s the answer? It is never simple. However, it does involve better communication in general between men and women. Singles need to clarify for themselves (first), what kind of partner they seek and what their expectations from a relationship really are. Once a person is clear about what they must have and what they can’t live with, they need to go out and HONESTLY seek that. Knowing what you want is good. If you turn off someone by your frankness, he/she was not the someone for you.

So, begin with a self-assessment. Then go out and pursue interests and environments, which maximize your chances of meeting compatible singles. And remember, there is no perfect person. He may be overly fussy with his hair, take longer in the bathroom than most women, be less ambitious in his work life than you are and put your cooking to shame. However, if he’s sensitive to YOUR needs, easy to talk to and fun to be with, great with kids and very supportive of your goals, he may be the guy of your dreams.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Making the connection – Tips for getting noticed

Chances are that you have had a wide variety of experiences in your quest for meeting singles. These can range from an event that yields several nice interactions and at least one offer to get together for a date, to going home feeling frustrated and convinced you are destined to be a dating failure.

If you had made a note of your mood, your general attitude, your level of comfort, (and other related factors) after each experience, you would have some very useful information. For the attributes you carry along with you to these social gatherings will have a great impact on the outcome of each.

The following are tips for helping you to present the best you to others. As you read each, do a quick inventory of how you rate in that area. It’s always helpful to ask friends to weigh in with their observations. The more information, the better.

1. Present yourself as confident and in possession of a healthy self-esteem.

In general, people are attracted to those who appear confident and who feel good about themselves. Certainly, this is a turn-on for you as well. If you feel desirable and sexy, it makes sense that others will too.

If low self-esteem is a problem for you, this should be the first area you work on in yourself. It is not necessary to have over the top confidence, just a sense that you are someone that has a lot of positives to offer others.

Do some reading, take a class that teaches assertiveness and/or practice daily affirmations. Remember also that when you treat yourself with respect and adhere to healthy boundaries with others, you will foster a healthy sense of self.

2. Be Yourself

NEVER try to be someone you are not. Not only do you come across as insincere, you also will present as uncomfortable and make others feel this way right along with you.

Trying to be cool, aggressive, (etc.), generally just makes you awkward and unapproachable. Relax, be natural, be the you that your friends and others who know and like you, see and appreciate.

Think back to the times you have witnessed someone “acting” in a social situation, and the general reaction of those around them. Then think about the people you know who are good at meeting others. These are the people who present their true (best) side.

3. Smile and Show Enthusiasm

Certainly you have encountered strangers who were sullen and appeared negative and unapproachable. A smile can change all that.

Have an open and inviting expression. Make good eye contact. People are DRAWN to others like this. Let that attractive stranger know you are open to meeting them and happy to be there. If they have an interest back, this will pave the way for a first interaction.

If you don’t feel like smiling it may be a good idea to sit this one out at home with a movie or a good book or a low-key get together with a good friend.

4. Present Your Best Appearance

Always make your best effort in your grooming and choice of clothing. Attractive is just that. It’s not about having beautiful features or a fantastic body. It’s all about presenting what you have in the best light possible.

This also includes presenting an attractive personality. Be friendly, not pushy. Be open, not indiscreet. Have opinions, don’t be a know-it-all. Always remember to consider others’ feelings and needs. These interactions are not just about you.

5. Have Some Good Openings Lines Available

Hint: Natural conversation is best.

Some possible ones to consider:

  • Do you know so and so?
  • I noticed you were enjoying the music a lot, isn’t this a great band?
  • Your drink looks good- what is it?
  • I noticed you standing here alone and thought you may want some company.

Of course, the direct approach is ok too.

  • Hi, I’m so and so, what is your name?

Remember that there are no rules anymore about who goes first. If you see someone who interests you, go for it. Just remember that they may not return your feelings. Then you move away gracefully, look around for someone else that attracts you, and make an overture towards them.

Also remember that rejection is part of the process. If you let the fear keep you from taking that first step, you will greatly lessen your chances of meeting and connecting with compatible singles.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!