Most people run away from silence in when on a date, they feel it’s awkward, they feel like it’s tough to connect with people and that silence is a lack of communication.
The problem for many of us is that we’re afraid of silences; Dating “experts” and coaches tell us that silence is “like quicksand”, that silence is awkward and that trying to connect is “nerve-wracking” or to focus on starting a conversation.
Sometimes this is good advice, sometimes it fails…
A couple of scenarios
Here’s a couple of different scenarios of people going on dates
Uncomfortable with silence
On our date “I asked her how her meal was” she said “nice”, I asked her if she liked wine “yes” she replied…the evening was filled with a deafening silence that made me feel uncomfortable, I couldn’t wait to leave.
Comfortable with silence
She smiled the most perfect smile and told me that she liked her meal and wine, she looked so beautiful and we enjoyed a laid back meal together, I’m looking forward to meeting her again and getting to know her gently.
Notice that this could be the same date with 2 totally different ways of looking at it!
People talk about a “tension build-up” during dates! But it doesn’t have to be that way! Often the tension is just our discomfort to silence and the tension is what we are creating.
What if we could keep in mind that
….We’re going to feel a connection with some people we date and not with others.
Some people are shy and need time to open up…
….some people are comfortable with silence
Some people prefer quiet to people yammering on just to fill empty space…
Deeper than Small talk
If you’re not feeling a connection with the person sitting next to you, then relax, enjoy your wine, feel comfortable in the silence. Remember that we’re all deeper than “small talk” and that if someone chooses not to talk that that’s ok too!
A gentle unfolding
In closing I’d like to say that getting to meet someone can be a process of letting things unfold, rather than putting pressure on yourself when “Looking for the one” you can see dating is a process of gentle unfolding then perhaps you’ll be less afraid of the silence and have more fun?
Something Else to think about!
Did you know that Dating giants OK Cupid/Match.com examined 11.4 million photos and found that people who post a certain
type of dating photo get 2-4 times better results?
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