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Profile of a Jewish Matchmaker

Meet my friend Anna

Anna comes from a large family of what she calls “facilitated marriages”.
Her parents met through a New York City based dating service in 1986, her Aunt and Uncle met using the first computer dating system in 1969, numerous family members and friends met using online dating sites; and all have successful marriages with many children.

A Jewish Dating Expert
Anna helps many Jewish singles find their perfect match through her matchmaking business Chai Connections (Pronounced “HAI” in Hebrew as “HAI” means life, life connections)

A phone call with Anna

A few days ago I was talking on the phone with Anna and I asked her  why she became a matchmaker? I also asked her for a some advice that she could share with people looking to hire a matchmaker.

…here is Anna’s expert reply

Matchmaking: An Age Old Career Resurfaced

When I was in college, I found myself studying a particular subject, not often found in the University Course Catalog. I was naturally drawn to courses in Judaism; and I found myself fascinated by the subject of Jewish dating. In each of my Jewish Studies Courses, I was fascinated by stories about romantic relationships. While this may sound common for a young Jewish woman, I was intrigued by the intricacies of the relationships. How did they meet? What kept them together, or what brought them apart? How were they so certain that this was the right person? It became like an anthropological study of Jewish dating.

One year after my initial interest was sparked, I met with my Judaic Studies Professor to discuss the topic of my final paper for a Cultural Judaism class. My proposed topic was Jewish dating in conjunction with assimilation in the modern era. When I presented my thesis, my professor looked at me quizzically and asked, “Isn’t this the same topic as your paper from last semester’s course?” “Of course not! That was totally different. That was on romantic relationships in Orthodox communities, this is on Jewish dating in the modern era. They are totally different.” I responded. My professor hesitated, yet ultimately let me write the paper. I imagine her hesitation resulted from having never had a student write so much on this particular subject matter. As the years went on, my intrigue only grew stronger, and I continued to study the field.

Matchmaking

Most think of the practice as an age old tradition, popularized by films like “Fiddler on the Roof”.

The tradition of matchmaking goes as far back as the Bible, when Eliezer, servant of Abraham, was instructed to find a match for Abraham’s son Isaac. In fact, the Talmud states that the head Rabbi could give corporal punishment to a man who was married without a shiddchan, or matchmaker.

Nowadays, the idea that one would be required by law to have an intermediary facilitate their marriage seems ludicrous. However, if we take the time to really think about the logic, does it seem so preposterous?

Consider this

In modern America we have coaches for nearly everything we do. Financial consultants, athletic coaches, college counselors, spiritual guides, IT consultants academic advisers, the list goes on. Yet when it comes to choosing a partner, perhaps one of the most critical decisions we make in our lives, we rely primarily on ourselves to be the experts. On the surface, this makes sense. As human beings, we can pinpoint exactly what we want in life; what kind of career, where to live, how to raise a family, etc.. Therefore, we should be able to spot a desirable partner based on our own specific wants and needs. But when we want to find that partner, how do we go about it? And moreover, if we are lucky enough to find that perfect partner, how do we know they are the one? And finally, once we determine that that special person is in fact the one, how do we get them to stick around once they discover all of our minute idiosyncrasies? With all of the intricacies of dating, how can we truly be the expert in the game of love?

Who is the expert?

In Academia, we look to those who study a particular field as the experts. Scholars hone in on a specific subject matter: History, Philosophy, Religion, Political Science, Medicine etc… After a dictated period of time of study, they are awarded a degree, deeming them an expert; one to turn to when questioning a matter in that field. Yet when it comes to love, oftentimes we deem ourselves the expert. When I was in college, I studied Religion, one of my favorite professors always became infuriated when people insisted that one had to be religious to be an expert on Religion. He would make the analogy, that one doesn’t study Biology because they are biological; they study because they are interested in the science as a subject matter. So too could Religion be studied as a subject, not necessarily in conjunction with following it as a practice.

The subject of Love

Likewise, I’ve found that Love can be viewed as a subject matter; something that people can study, a Social Science perhaps, and become an expert in. Thus if becoming an expert requires study, rather than personal practice, how can we rely solely on ourselves the experts in our own love life? I think singles owe it to themselves to give in, and accept help from the experts.

Growing up, I never dreamed of becoming a matchmaker. While my interest in Jewish Dating as a subject matter grew in college, I never associated it with a career. In fact, I always dreamed of becoming a dentist, a field totally incongruous with Jewish Dating (unless you consider the many Jewish mothers who dream of their daughter marrying a doctor, and then settle when she finds a nice Jewish Dentist). It wasn’t until earlier this year that I realized I could actually make a career out of my passion. After my initial epiphany that matchmaking was in fact a modern practice, I met with my Rabbi to inquire about it. As a fellow Jewish Dating enthusiast, he was tremendously supportive of my venture, and thus Chai Connections was born (To see Anna’s blog click here)

Advice on hiring a Matchmaker.

The most important thing is making sure that the matchmaker you hire is compatible with your personality-spend a few minutes talking with them to see if your personalities and ideology are a good fit! (Otherwise it’ll be a painful waste of time.

Also don’t be afraid when choosing a matchmaker to ask them “What’s your track record” you want to feel confident in their ability to find you that someone special!

Something else to consider

Having great online dating photos is the most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

 

Stand out from the crowd! The Perfect dating profile part 3

What You Should Never Put On A Profile

All of the things that we’ve recommended for you to put on your profile in this chapter are things that you like to do. If you enjoy hiking, say you like hiking and say where you like to do it. If you like reading, say you like reading and put a word or two about the last book you read. If you’re into cooking, say you spent a lot of time in the kitchen and mention which type of cuisine gets your taste buds flowing.

But don’t say what you don’t like to do.

Your dating site profile should always be positive. It should show that you’re a happy, contented person who wants to be even happier and more contented, not a sad, lonely person who wants someone to cheer them up. Nothing puts people off more than the whiff of desperation. No one wants to be a cheerleader for a losing side; they want to be part of the winning team.

Stick to the great things

online dating profile tips and great dating photos 004It doesn’t matter how keen you are to find a partner, how many times you’ve been burnt in the past or how much you know what you don’t want, stick to the great things you have and the even greater things you want to have.

Saying on your profile that you’ve just come out of a difficult divorce or that you don’t want someone who plays head games for example, will do nothing but put people off writing. It simply declares that you’re carrying giant, heavy trunks of baggage and anyone who dates you is going to be in for a rough ride.

A happy life

Your profile should read like an advert for a happy life. It should look like a real estate ad that lets readers imagine how happy they’ll be if they dating advicecan just get past the admissions committee and win a chance to live with you. Of course, no one really believes that what they see in the ad is going to be completely perfect in real life. Every property has dust in the attic or cobwebs in the corner but no realtor puts that in the brochure.

Your profile should sell the joys of a life with you. You can then choose which person actually gets the sale. By the time your new partner finds the cobwebs and the dust, they’ll already be sold enough to look beyond it. So keep the negatives out and accentuate the positive.

We said that the idea of your profile is always to get as many prospects as possible but that doesn’t mean you want timewasters. If you’re looking for a serious relationship with someone, you don’t want your inbox bothered by people looking for quick flings. The best way to keep out the people you don’t want to meet—without putting up a sign that’s also going to put people off that you might want to meet—is to simply keep all references to sex off the profile.

 Your online name

That includes the name you choose as your online identity.

One of the biggest mistakes that you can make when dating online is to choose a tag that reveals your real name—or to choose a name that puts across the wrong message.

Names like SexyAngel, Hot4U or Randyandy can say far more than you intended.

It’s much better to create a bland name with a string of strange numbers than to try to attract passing singles with a tag that says more than you want. If you think your name is creating the wrong impression, it’s worth making the effort to change it. Unless you’re looking just for sex, never refer to sex on your profile.

Another important thing you need to know…get good dating profile pictures

13Having  great dating profile pictures is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great online dating photos we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

 

Stand out from the crowd! The Perfect dating profile part 1

What To Put On A Dating Site Profile… And What To Leave Out

Your dating site profile is the most important tool you have to find love online—and fast. It’s the identity that you put forward to other online daters, it’s what people see when they’re looking for people like you and it’s all you’ve got to make a first impression and pull in the proposals.

No Exaggeration

While its true that outstanding photos are the key to online dating success, a well written dating profile makes a difference too. In this 3 part series on profile writing tips we’ll show you how to get it right!

It’s not an exaggeration to say that all that lies between you and the end of your single days is partly to do with the skill with which you complete your profile.

The kind of information that you’ll be asked to reveal about yourself will vary from service to service. Dating sites put a huge amount of effort into coming up with the right questions to make matching easy without putting off new members. Some sites for example, will ask you to tick just a handful of boxes and write one short paragraph. Others will have section after section that grill you about your personality, your interests, your hopes and your history.

Fill it all in

In general, it’s a good idea to complete all the sections of a dating site profile however many they may be. You don’t have to do it all in one sitting and you can certainly come back to fill in the gaps later, but as long as you have spaces in your profile that remain unfilled you can give the impression of looking evasive and less than completely serious.

The good news

The good news is that the bulk of the profile won’t take long to complete. Even the most demanding sites don’t ask you to write more than three or four mini-compositions about yourself and your ideal date, and the majority of just about any dating site profile is always a series of checkboxes about your likes and dislikes and mostly they help the site’s matching engine far more than the dater looking for a match. The fact that someone likes jazz more than rock, or comedies more than documentaries, doesn’t really tell you whether they’re going to like you—or whether you’re going to like them.

A few checkboxes though are important. When you come to tell the world the age range of the person you’re looking for, it’s important to be realistic. Many men in particular like to think that because there are so many women on the Internet, they can use it as a way to meet women half their age. That’s not impossible but at best it’s going to need a long wait and at worst, it’s going to be a complete waste of time.

All sorts of people

Online dating can bring all sorts of people together. It can certainly match people up who are looking for something very specific—and even a little unusual. But when you begin looking for someone online, you want your dating profile to be as inclusive as possible. Once the emails come in, you can then start to focus on the most attractive responses. If you’d like to meet someone in their early twenties for example but would also be happy with someone in their mid-thirties then it’s best to choose a wide age range that casts a big net than focus on one particular group and change when you feel you’re not having any luck.

Be Honest

When it comes to describing your own age range though, honesty is always the best policy. There’s always a temptation for online daters in their early-somethings to shave a few years off and slip back into an earlier decade. It happens a lot (and it’s a good reason to be suspicious of people who claim to be aged 29 or 38 etc.) But it’s just not worth it. At some point you will have to spill the beans and spilling them in front of someone you really want to impress is far worse than being honest to someone you haven’t met and might never meet. If the passing single really doesn’t want to date someone your age, it’s best not to meet them at all than date them and get the rejection face-to-face.

How To Write Descriptions That Stand Out From The Crowd

You shouldn’t really have to think about the tick-boxes too much. What you will have to think about though—before you even begin typing your description in the text-box—is what you want passing online singles to know about you right from the beginning.

Just about every dating site—even those with minimal profiles—have space for you to write about yourself and the person you’d like to date.

This is one of the most important parts of the profile. It’s the one chance you get to use your own voice and describe exactly what makes you tick and what you’d like to make your heart tick faster. How you describe yourself, the parts of your personality you choose to describe and the words and phrases you use to put yourself forward can either help you stand out from the online crowd or make you look like just another online hopeful.

A description that attracts singles, invites emails and gets your dating life rolling faster.

It’s important to remember that whatever you mention on a profile will always look far more important than it does in real life. You carry a whole range of different identities, characteristics, likes and dislikes. When you meet someone, they meet the whole package at once; no one aspect of who you are dominates. When someone sees your profile, they only see what you choose to put on it—and those few facts will paint completely their picture of you.

Be careful on what you focus

If you mention specifically that you’re a vegetarian for example, meat-eaters will assume that you’ve mentioned it because you don’t want to date one of them. After all, why did you highlight what you eat and not the fact that you like reading thrillers or watching CNN? If you say that you’re a conservative, liberals will believe that you’re only looking for a small-government type, otherwise why bother putting your political views front and center?

Readers Assume

Because they don’t know anything else about you, readers will assume that what they see on the profile is not just one part of you, but the most important part of you.

That means before you even begin filling in the spaces, you have to decide which parts of your life you want to highlight and which parts you want to hold back and slip into the conversation during the first date.

Some things will always be worth highlighting

Such as the fact that you have a child at home or that you have a disability or that you spend every spare minute looking after an aged parent. Parts of your life that you can’t negotiate should certainly be included on your profile and not hidden. That way your profile won’t just be a net to catch free-floating singles, it will also have holes big enough to let out the fish that you wouldn’t want to waste your time trying to catch anyway. If someone isn’t looking to become a stand-in parent, it’s best to let them know that that’s included in the job description right from the beginning.

Picking out the other characteristics to include in your self-description though is a little trickier. You only have a few hundred words to give potential dates a taste of who you are, and while that’s very little space to sum up your entire personality, it does keep the whole thing mercifully short.

The easiest way

The easiest way to write a great description is to use a tight structure that covers the most important parts of your personality, lets people know a little bit about you—and makes them curious to find out more.

The most basic structure you can use has three short paragraphs. The first paragraph will talk about your work—the part of most people’s life that takes the most time; the second paragraph will discuss what you do in your free time; and the third paragraph will talk about your personality:

Self-Description—Type 1

I work as a tax attorney but I try not to talk about work too often. Few people let me. The work is actually less boring than it sounds and there are times I even catch myself wide awake in the office. I promise not to discuss work on a first date (unless, of course, you insist.)

Fortunately, I’m not the kind of person who can call my work my hobby. My hobby is sailing. I have a fifteen-foot boat that I take out on the sound most weekends. There’s room — and sail-work — enough for two and the views of the town from the sea are fantastic. If you’ve ever fancied taking a slow, very cramped, boat to China, I’m sure we could arrange something.

I find that I laugh at an odd mixture of things. Tom and Jerry still cracks me up, but so does Groucho Marx, the captions in the Economist and Section 342, Paragraph c of the corporate tax code. (That one makes milk come out of my nose). I do laugh a lot, but I also listen a lot too and I get a kick of helping when I can. I can be thoughtful, passionate, inhibited, sensitive and opinionated — but only in a nice way.

That’s a basic model for an effective self-description.

The first paragraph answers the first question that most people ask when they meet someone new: “What do you do?”

You don’t have to go into great detail—and it’s rarely a good idea to go into detail—but describing your occupation is an easy way to introduce yourself and get the description rolling. You should also describe how you feel about your job (remember, no one’s going to know who you are so there’s no danger that your boss will read it and make you change your description to ‘unemployed’). But you should still stay positive; no one likes to go out with a whiner. If you don’t like your job, you can say something like: “Right now I’m working in sanitation so I’d be a liar if I didn’t say my job stinks. It does. But it’s fine until I finish medical school and can start treating sick people. (I promise to wash my hands first).” If you’ve got nothing good to say about your job—or you don’t have one—then the best bet is to say nothing and talk about the job you’d like to do.

For the second paragraph, simply pick the one activity that takes up most of your spare time. It doesn’t matter what that activity might be. In general, good—and easy—topics for this paragraph include your favorite sports activity, your top-choice hiking destination or the place you most like to kill an afternoon with a cup of coffee and a good book.

Be honest. If your evenings, weekends and holidays seem to be filled with reruns of I Love Lucy or trips to the zoo with your son, don’t try to hide it. You can mention it, boast about or make a joke about it. On the other hand if you’re a bit embarrassed by the fact that your spare time seems to be eaten up by the Playboy channel, you can pick the activity that takes up the second largest amount of free time.

The one general rule that’s always worth keeping here is to be as specific as possible. Don’t say “I like reading”; say “I like reading the early novels of Zhang Ailing — she’s a bit maudlin but I just love her introspection.” Instead of saying “I like to spend Saturdays hiking,” say: “On Saturdays, I tend to head up around Los Olivos, taste a bit of wine and see if I can wear a hole in my boots.” The more specific your description, the more you’ll give a taste of who you are and not just what you like to do.

The third paragraph of this model is the toughest. It’s always hard to pick out aspects of your personality and character and describe them. It’s almost unnatural. No one ever does this. You might tell someone what you like to do in your spare time. You almost certainly tell people what you do for a living. But only for matchmaking services are you expected to describe your personality; usually people make their own minds up—and then keep their opinions to themselves.

There is always a temptation here to begin by saying, “Friends say that I’m…” or “I’ve been known to be…”. It’s an easy solution but it’s a bit dull and shows a lack of imagination. Probably about half of all dating site profiles grab at that straw. A better bet is to grab the bull by the horns.

A positive impression

online dating profile tips and great dating photos 004Starting by talking about what makes you laugh is always a good way to make a positive impression. Again, be specific and cover the full range. If slapstick makes you giggle, put it down. If Woody Allen gets you going, put that down too. It doesn’t just tell a potential date what kind of humor they can expect from you, it also tells them that you’re the kind of person who laughs easily.

To round the description off, you can pick up a thesaurus and find yourself a handful of cool descriptions that describe the bits you didn’t cover. Steer clear of the kind of boring clichés that you can find on just about every profile. Using the kind of words that people don’t use every day shows off your education, moves you out of the pack and makes your profile a more interesting read.

A profile like this is pretty straightforward. An alternative method is to be a little more creative. Instead of using three paragraphs, you can do the whole description in two, starting with a general comparison before moving onto a specific event that gives an idea of who you are:

Self-Description—Type 2

I’ve always wanted to have the cool sophistication of Cary Grant, the laid-back loucheness of Johhny Depp and general oddness of Ewan McGreggor. I think I just got the oddness right but without landing the nifty accent.

It’s probably because I’ve never been to Scotland. I have been to Africa though. I spent a year there with the Peace Corps digging wells for villages. They took us to holes in the middle of nowhere and made us dig more holes in the middle of nowhere. I’ve never seen so many people made so happy by something so simple. If I could spend the rest of my life making people that happy, I would be a very happy man too.

Again, this is a very simple model that’s very easy to copy. It contains just two ideas but that’s enough to attract interest.

The first paragraph

For the first paragraph, try to think of three celebrities that you resemble or would like to resemble. That will leave the reader not just with some idea of who you are but who you’d like to be and the kind of style you admire.

The second paragraph

For the second paragraph, pick one incident in your life that you found particularly meaningful. Ideally, it should be something unique and interesting: the most fascinating thing that you ever did in your life. If you once climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, then find an excuse to write about it. If you took a cruise to Antarctica and it made you think deeply about the environment, write about that too

Remember though, this one event is going to stand for your entire personality and leave a lasting impression in the reader’s mind, so whatever you write about it has to be something that made you the person you are.

If you say that your service in Desert Storm led you to think deeply about international conflict and led you to return to school in order to study international relations, anyone who writes to you after reading your profile will want to meet that internationally engaged person. If you’ve changed your mind since then, there’s a good chance that your first date is going to be a little disappointing for both sides.

One event

Try to think of one event in your life that sums up your personality, and writing your self-description should be a breeze.

A third way to write your self-description is to toss out the rule-book altogether. Instead of talking about yourself the way the dating site would like you to do, by laying out your details in neat paragraphs and sentences that lead from one to the next (just as we’ve described so far), you could interview yourself.

Questions

Think of five (or so) questions that you wish the site had asked and which you can answer easily, and list them in the self description:

Self-Description—Type 3:

Best thing I’ve ever said:

“What about Zambia?”

My biggest regret:

Agreeing to go to Florida instead of Zambia.

My favorite book:

Used to be Dr. Zhivago but lately I’ve been leaning away from the Russians. Probably now The Rock by Kanan Makiya.

Person I’d most like to have lunch with:

Gandhi. He was vegetarian like me. But he didn’t eat much so we could share.

Person I’d most like to be:

Kofi Annan because I like meeting people from around the world and I’m sure he has more influence than he’s letting on.

The biggest Advantage

The biggest advantage of using this model is that you get to say more by writing less. Each answer is just one sentence so you don’t have to beat your head against the wall trying to come up with nice flowing paragraphs. The questions also say as much about you as the answers and because you’re only going to ask questions that you can answer well, this kind of model doesn’t take long to write. Finally, on a site stuffed with paragraph descriptions your mini-interview should help you stand out as a creative thinker.

Think About This!

Before you get a date you need to attract someone special!
Having great online dating photos is the most important thing you can do when dating online, we all look at the photos first! so visit LookBetterOnline and and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

8 Essential First Date Tips for Men

So guys maybe it’s been forever since you went on a date! -Don’t blow it! Here’s some tips to follow!

1. Don’t have any expectations

This tip applies to BOTH men and women Let any relationship unfold naturally instead of trying to force it where you want it to go.
You have no way of knowing how things will happen…just your mind in the present moment and enjoy things.

first date tips for me image 001

2.Man up

I’m “Old school” and unrepentant-so here’s my advice!
Open the door, take her coat, pullout her chair, fill her glass and pay the check!

first date tips for men image 002

3. Dress for the date

Pick clothes that make you feel great and dress for the date, what else can I say “Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp dressed men”

4. Be on time

Every woman wants to feel special, turning up late doesn’t make her feel special, allow for traffic and parking.

5. Relax and keep it real

Don’t put pressure on yourself to be sexy, smart or charming. Remember she wants to meet the real man, not who you wish you were…tryin to be the man you’re not (yet) will only stress you out and take away the fun of a date!

6.Turn off your phone

You are on a date! Do I really have to explain why?

7. Listen and talk

remember that the date is all about you both having an opportunity to get to know each other, try to listen as much as you talk. And don’t “over-share” on your first date…no-one wants to hear about Ex relationships or bad dates on the first date.

8. Don’t drink too much.

A drink or two is fine, just don’t get “messed up”.

first date tips for me image 008

Think About This!

Having great online dating photos is the most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!
Online dating profile photos before and after (17)

Online dating Safety tips

Its not often that I ask my readers to pass on a blog article to their friends, but here’s an exception, if you know anyone who’s online dating then forward them this article or post it on your FaceBook Wall….It might save a friend of yours from becoming shark-bait!

How to Land the Catch of Your Life… Without Becoming Shark-bait

However you like to do it, dating can be a dangerous game. Not talking to strangers might be sound advice to give to kids but as a strategy to stop being single, it has at least one obvious drawback. Unless you want to marry your cousin, finding someone to settle down with will involve making eye contact with total strangers, engaging them in conversation and meeting them one-on-one.

Two dangers

There are two obvious dangers here. The first is that your new friend might appear to be a complete charmer but could actually be a cold-blooded philanderer with a record of heart-breaking. They’ll think nothing of leading you on, playing games and trampling over your emotions. That’s bad enough and you’ve probable had enough of people like that already.

The second danger is even worse, even if it is a great deal rarer. The attractive stranger that you meet in the bar could actually be an escaped convict from the local sanatorium. Instead of finding someone who makes you feel safe and secure for the rest of your life, you pick someone up who’s going to put your safety at risk and require you to take out a series of court orders and new alarm systems.

Although the chances of meeting someone like this online is extremely small, it is worth making the effort to be cautious. In this chapter, we’re going to talk about how to steer clear of this second group and stay safe online.

Anonymity Cuts Both Ways

When you meet someone in a bar, the initial pick-up is as much a safety check as it is a check-out. If you spot someone attractive sitting alone at the table next to yours, before you even give them a look—before you make any kind of contact at all—you observe them for a few minutes to see how they behave with the waiters, by themselves or with people who pass by. If they are rude, arrogant or just downright unpleasant, it doesn’t matter how much of a looker they are, you’re still going to look right on by. Only if you’re sure they’re a normal, civilized human being do you try to make eye contact, pluck up the courage to face rejection and make your move.

And once you do make that move, you’re always looking out for little signals that tell you that the person you’re talking to is less than normal. There are all sorts of clues to help you do that: the way someone dresses, the way they talk and their body language to name but a few—and you notice all of them without even realizing that you’re looking for them.

A cowboy hat and a Texas drawl for example, tell you instantly where someone is from and where they stand in the country’s cultural divide. Bleached hair and sentences that end with ‘dude’ tell you much the same. Nervous twitches, roaming hands and peculiar scratching all say something about the person you’re sizing up and help you make a decision about whether you should make a date or make an excuse

Face-to-face, you’ve got a ton of different signals that tell you huge amounts about the person you’re thinking of chatting to.

Online, you’ve got nothing to go on but what the person puts on their profile and writes in their email.

“Unlike real-life relationships where you have some idea of what a person drives, what they really look like, how they live, etc., online you have none of that,” says Lisa Hupman, a veteran online dater.“You give more trust than is actually due because you have no choice.”

 Little Choice

And the reason you have no choice—or more accurately, little choice—about the level of trust you give is that the main tool that protects you online is the same thing that protects the occasional nutcase who roams the Web: anonymity.

There is no way for two people who exchange emails online to know the real identities of the people they’re writing to. The email you receive lands in an inbox located on the site.

Bear no relation

The name you choose is one you create and should bear no relation to your real identity.

As long as you don’t let your real, full name slip out before you’ve built up a certain amount of trust, you start an online relationship fully protected by the fact that the person who writes to you has no idea who you are, where you live or how they can get hold of you outside the site.

When you date online, the dating identity that’s doing the looking exists only on the Internet. There’s a complete barrier between your online self and the real you—and that barrier is your best protection against any wacko you might be unlucky enough to meet online.

If you have the bad luck to meet a loony at a dating site, as long as you’ve kept your identity a secret, there’s no way that they can bother you in real life.

Of course, that works for them too. Because there’s no way for you to check the identity of someone you meet online, you’ve got no idea whether the doctor who sent you an email got his or her degree certificate from Harvard, as they claim, or ordered it from a website in Romania. You’ve got no idea if they were really working for the Peace Corps for the last two years or spent that time sewing mailbags in a state penitentiary. And you’ve got no idea whether the person who described themselves as passionate will leave you alone once you tell them you’re not interested or hang around outside your front door waiting for you to come home from work.

If only there was a checklist

It would be nice if there were a checklist that you could go through when you meet someone online. If they mentioned ‘knives’ more than three times in the first email, you could tick a box. If they mentioned that they served multiple sentences for violent crimes, that would lead you to tick another box, or if they talked about their friendship with Osama Bin Laden that would strike them out.

But it’s not that easy.

The best way to keep yourself safe online is to follow three simple rules: keep your anonymity as long as possible; remember that if something feels wrong, it probably is; and cut them out quick and completely as soon as you smell something fishy.

1. Keeping Your Name (And Everything Else) To Yourself

There’s no reason at the beginning of an online relationship for you to say who you are, where you work, where you live, what your telephone number is or any other identifying detail that you might later regret.

When you start exchanging emails, you can chat about your hobbies. You can talk in general about the kind of work you do. You can say that you like walking in Central Park or heading out to Sequoia. But tell someone you’ve never seen, never met and whose real name you don’t know that you live at 123 Killmenow Road, Apt. 103 and it’s certainly possible that you’ll have reason to regret it when you find yourself looking for a new apartment.

It’s enough to say that what they’re not supposed to do is draw out personal information that would allow your new pal to find you offline.

If they ask exactly where you work, you can just say a big law firm in the city or a clothes store in town.

2. If Something Looks Wrong, It Probably Is…

That’s because on the Internet, it pays to be suspicious.
The vast majority of the people you meet online will be as honest, direct and truthful as the people you meet offline. It’s unlikely that you’ll come across many angels who will lay out their entire life histories, warts and all, right at the beginning, but it’s also very unlikely that you’ll be unfortunate enough to come across any axe-wielding psychopaths or the stereotypical man masquerading as a woman—or vice-versa (most of those seem to have run off since the early days of the Internet).

For the most part, you’ll find that the vast majority of fibs you encounter on dating sites tend to concern age, weight, income and of course photo, with ten-year-old graduation photos passing as up-to-date snaps.

That’s certainly bad enough but it’s not a threat and you can decide, when you uncover the real story, whether the truth has been stretched beyond the bounds of forgiveness.

You can also get a feel for when someone’s lying online—even if you can’t see the way they behave when they’re spinning you a story and you can’t hear in their voice that not even they believe what they’re saying. It’s hard to keep a story straight and there are often little inconsistencies the tell you that something isn’t quite right.

If someone born in 1974 for example, talks about having been in their current job for twelve years and their previous job for fifteen, then that should set alarm bells ringing. If a potential date who claims on their profile never to have been married mentions a stay with ex-in-laws, that should raise a red flag. And if someone says they don’t like spending time with the police that should send out a serious warning.

These are exactly the kind of tell-tale signs that tell you that something isn’t quite right. And when you get those signs, it’s always a good idea to trust your instincts.

3. Cut Them Out Quick

We’ve already mentioned that you might come across two different kinds of deception online: the more common truthful economies that exaggerate positive qualities such as youth or wealth at the expense of complete honesty; and the total lies that obscure a character that likes to stalk, harass or otherwise make life miserable for their unfortunate victim.
When you come across the first type—and there’s a fair chance that you will come across the first type online, just as you’ll come across milder forms offline too—you can decide what you want to do. If you’re dealing with just a mild little exaggeration you might be willing to forgive them their trespasses (just you might be hoping that people will forgive you yours).

But if you get the feeling that the person you’re dealing with is even close to being on the dangerous side, the best thing to do is cut them out quickly.

Just about all dating sites allow you to block emails from members who are bothering you. Add them to your blocked list and if you’ve managed to keep your identity details secret, that should be the last you hear from them.

Don’t think twice

Don’t even think twice about it. With millions of people searching for singles online, with such a huge reservoir of people to choose from, there’s absolutely no reason for you to take any risks at all on the Internet. The dangers are just too great and the alternatives too many for you to bother with them.

Red flag waving

The moment you see even the slightest hint of a red flag waving, cut, run and move on to the next likely prospect. There are far too many fish in the sea for you to waste your time and your safety swimming with the sharks.

Millions of people have used online dating sites without ever coming across the slightest hint of danger, risk or deception. If you do see a flag, it’s more likely to be the light pink of a couple of years shaved off a birth date than the throbbing red of a psycho looking for a victim. While it’s perfectly possible—and even easy—for someone to misrepresent their qualifications online, it’s no less easy for you to protect yourself from any danger and look for someone more honest.

To keep safe online, and to protect yourself from nasty surprises such as lying Lotharios and deceptive divas, you’ll need little more than common sense and a sensitive nose for the whiff of deceit.

 

Another important thing you need to know…get good dating profile pictures

Having  great dating profile pictures is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great online dating photos we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

8 Essential First Date Tips for Women

Perhaps it has been a long time since you’ve last been on a date, or perhaps you’ve been on many first dates yet can’t quite seem to meet that special man

Depending on who you meet, First dates can be REALLY awkward or Fun and exciting!
Here are some essential First date tips for women

1. Don’t have any expectations

Let any relationship unfold naturally instead of trying to force it where you want it to go.
You have no way of knowing how things will unfolds…so Keep your mind in the present moment and enjoy things as they happen!

2. Dress for the date

Pick clothes that make you feel great and dress for the date.

3. Be on time

Every man wants to feel special, turning up late doesn’t make a man feel important!

4. Relax and keep it real

Don’t put pressure on yourself to be sexy, smart or charming. Remember that your date wants to meet the real you, not a version of yourself you that you wish you…this will only stress you out and take away the fun of a date!

5.Turn off your phone

You are on a date! Do I really have to explain why?

6. Listen and talk

remember that the date is all about you both having an opportunity to get to know each other, try to listen as much as you talk. And don’t “over-share” on your first date…no-one wants to hear about Ex relationships or bad dates on the first date.

8 essential First date tips for women image 006

7. Don’t drink too much

A drink or two is fine, just don’t get “messed up”.

8. Sex on the first date Good or Bad?

Many dating gurus will tell you that sex on the first date is NEVER a good idea, that sex on the first date would never make you relationship material, they often use the phrase “”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

The other side of the coin is the belief that times have changes and  it’s important to establish sexual compatibility early on, and that first date sex is fine. (Don’t buy the cow until you know you like the milk!)
There are no wrong answers here… both opinions here are valid for different people

Think About This!

Having great online dating photos is the most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

SEVEN SECRETS TO GETTING LOVE RIGHT

For those of you who read my posts you’ll know that I’ve featured my friend Amy’s expert advice…

Amy Schoen motivatedtomarry.com has been transforming people to be their best for over 20 years.  Amy has the gift of visualization and uses this gift to ask the right life and relationship questions to visualize the kind of life they truly desire.  To move clients towards positive action, Amy draws upon her vast life experiences, business experiences and keen knowledge of people.

Expert Advice

Here’s an article Amy sent me called “7 secrets to getting love right”…Its full of practical common sense tips (Why is common sense NOT common?) and I like it and hope you will like it too

SEVEN SECRETS TO GETTING LOVE RIGHT

I met Melanie during my work as a dating-relationship life coach. Her big issue was how she could get love right this time.  As a coach, I knew Melanie, a woman in her mid-forties who had never been married, would need more than good luck.  For three months she had been dating a man who was separated, with two small children.  Melanie had fallen for this guy, but she suspected that this relationship would not work for her.  Here are some ways that I was able to help Melanie. You can use these insights to improve your own dating life.

1. Take the time to see what your Ideal Life will be.

I asked Melanie to look at her life as a whole.  What did she envision as a life plan? What goals did she have for herself in terms of career and personal life? I told Melanie about Randi, a beautiful forty-year-old business woman who came to me because, she had never been married.   After we did the Ideal Life Exercise, Randi discovered that she was not including her work in the picture of her Ideal Life.  She envisioned herself married with a family.

After that session, Randi decided to take a break from her job that summer, and to focus on getting her life in balance.  Randi’s story resonated with Melanie.  Looking at her Ideal Life, it became clear that she wanted a life partner whom could make her his Number One Priority. She wanted more than a single father with children always pulling at his attention.  Once she accepted this about herself, she changed her focus. She began looking for a man who could meet her needs.

Melanie thought she was open to dating separated or divorced men with children. When she met someone who was fun to be with, she stuck with him despite the fact that he wasn’t really available for a commitment. Melanie desired to be married, but she was not willing to take on all the baggage that a single father brings to a relationship. Then she realized the guy she was in love with was in no hurry to divorce. He was at least a year away from  a committed life with her.  I give her lots of credit for being honest with herself about what she truly desired from a man- his full attention!

2. Choose who you date wisely

Melanie was discovering through her last failed relationship that some people date with no regard to the future, while others, like Melanie, consider time of the utmost importance.  Melanie was only 45, but I had another client, Henry, celebrating his fiftieth birthday who was still not married –much to his dismay!  He asked his on-again, off-again girlfriend of seven years if she was interested in marrying him. She finally gave him a definitive no. Henry then realized that she was not going to change and moved on. With the new women he met, Henry was not afraid to mention the “m” word on the third date because he knew that was what he wanted. He was married a year later.

3. Express your expectations of the other person

Nobody wants to seem pushy, so we tend to be reticent about asking for what we want.   You are doing your date a favor by telling him (or her) what your expectations are. Others cannot read your mind, so it’s important to speak up for what you want.

I told Melanie a story about what happens when you don’t speak up. Stacey was dating a man who called her only to make plans for the weekend.  Stacey mentioned in our coaching that she would feel more connected with her date if he would call her just to see how she was doing.  I suggested she request that of him because some guys really do not know what is expected of them.  Unfortunately, her response was “If he doesn’t know what to do, I’m not going to tell him”.  She never gave him the chance to accommodate her request.  Naturally, this relationship never went anywhere. Melanie got the message.

4. Build your support system – with yourself and others

First, look at your relationship with yourself.  Do you have a way to cheer yourself on when your negative self talk starts to get the best of you?   Wendy, a teacher turning 30, was about 50 pounds overweight.  She came to her coaching call with the self doubt “Who would want to go out with me?”

When she acknowledged that negative thought, I told her, “You are a beautiful and caring person – that is why someone would want to date you”.  This gave her the confidence to go online and meet men.  She has been dating a man exclusively for over a year.

With Melanie, I discussed managing negative thoughts.  Who in her support system could lift her up when she started getting down on herself?  She found an encouraging friend who gave her emotional support during her dating ups and downs.

5. Focus On Your Goal

Melanie had worked hard at her tennis game and finding a new job but she believed that love should be easy. It isn’t. Finding a love partner needs to be a priority in your life.  Melanie, like many of my clients, was a busy professional who had not made time for meeting a life long mate.

6. Create A Plan Of Action With Melanie, I made a list. Where are you going to meet a love partner?  How will you go about meeting people to date?  Will you go to face-to-face events, focus on online dating or engage a dating service?  The Action Plan is specific, listing who, what and where.

7. Just Do It!   

Melanie grasped my principles in planning her search for a mate, but she found it hard to just do it.  Yet, she committed herself to a time frame to stick to her plan.

In three months’ time, she re-evaluated how her search was going.  Getting love right is sticking to your vision of your Ideal Life and the person you want to share it with. Melanie held on to her vision.  After she found a man who shared her dream of a committed life long partner, she told me that coming for coaching was one of the best decisions she ever made. These things that I helped Melanie discover for herself got her to move ahead in the search for a romantic life partner can enable you to find the love of your life, and to get it right this time.

Melanie called me last week. She is engaged to be married this summer!

More about Amy

Coach Amy Schoen helps marriage minded individuals who are ready to take action to find true love with a values based approach that has proven results, especially online.  Learn more about Coach Amy and her coaching system go to http://www.MotivatedtoMarry.com.

Think About This!

Having great online dating photos is the most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Let’s Get Physical…or Should We?

My friend Bobbi Palmer is a Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40 and founder of Date Like a Grownup. She is not just a dating coach; she’s a dating success story! Bobbi became a first time bride at age 47 and has helped countless women around the world do what she did: find lasting love after 40. She describes her marriage as “the yummy icing on her already great cake” and prides herself on practicing what she preaches and teaches every single day.
Bobbi is the author of Confessions of the World’s Worst Dater: Her 7 Secrets to Finally Finding Love after 40 and has lent her expertise to countless media including NPR, eHealth Radio, LATalkRadio.  She is a regular contributor to multiple go-to resources for midlife daters and those searching for love including Huffington Post, Match.com, Yahoo Shine, Chemistry.com, YourTango and eHarmony.com.

Let’s talk about sex

Here’s what Bobbi has to say about sex…

The idea of sex in your 40s, 50s and beyond can make a gal run for the hills. You crave intimacy, but the last thing you want is to sleep with him and get hung up like an 18 year old. There is also that body image thing, that disease thing…lots of concerns that can drive you to simply opting-out of dating and looking for love.

As a dating and relationship coach for single women over 40, I often get asked to help my clients decide when they can safely slide between the sheets. Here are 5 tips to help you retain your honor and self respect, yet have a nice time dating and getting to know those fabulous men out there.

  1. Accept that you are responsible for yourself.

You are a mature woman who most likely steers your own ship in all other areas of your life. He isn’t in charge of what you do and when you do it; you are, sister.

You can weigh options, make complex decisions and exercise your assertiveness. You probably do this every day with your career, your family, even with the dry cleaner; dealing with single men should be no exception.

  1. Set your intentions and stick with them.

Set your intention and stick with it.

What do you want from a man and a relationship? Do you want a rollicking roll in the hay or a lifelong relationship? Decide what your goal is and work toward it, just like you do with everything else in life.

  1. Lay off the liquor.

Think back to when you would frequent bars or college parties. Alcohol doesn’t make you more attractive or charming, and it doesn’t ease the pain the morning after when you realize you made a terrible decision.

Play it smart and stay sober. Stick with a glass of wine with dinner and leave the shot glasses on the bar.

  1. Decide whether he’s a hottie or a hubby.

If you’re looking for someone who’s going to be with you for the long haul, understand that a man who is a good date will not necessarily be a good partner. He may be chock-full of charm and make your stomach somersault, but he may still lack relationship potential.

When you’re feeling that flutter, stop and ask yourself: does he have potential to be the man I adore, admire and depend on? If the answer is “no, he’s just hot” then apply the brakes. Sleeping with this man could lead to disaster.

  1. Learn a Love Lesson from the Dalai Lama

In The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living, the Dalai Lama ponders pleasure versus happiness. He reminds us that pleasure feels good at the moment; happiness fulfills you for the long-term.

When you are considering intimacy, take a breath, separate yourself from the immediacy of the moment, and ask, “Will this make me feel good about myself and get me closer to my goal of finding love?”

Partaking in physical pleasure is a wonderful part of a powerful, loving relationship. With a little healthy lust and a lot of sensibility and self-awareness, you can have a vigorous, fun and satisfying sex life that leads you to the happiness you deserve.

If you want to find that man who loves and adores you for the rest of your life, join Bobbi for her Grownup Girls’ Night Out FREE monthly webcasts. Get a ton of expert, juicy, must-have information and advice about men, dating, sex and relationships…all free and from the comfort of your own home. Click here to learn more and register.

Think About This too!

Having great online dating photos is the most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

What Dating Is Like for Men: Part 5 of 8 (Women Please read this)

Click to see Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4 of this article.

Are You Waiting for Some Fantasy Man?
(FemiType #4: The Wow-Me Woman)

Newsflash: Women constantly push really good guys right out of their lives without even knowing it. We do it by behaving in ways that, until pointed out by someone else, are a complete mystery.
Finally having this pointed out to me in my early 40s was a huge part of my transition from a pretty happy single gal to, at age 47, a truly fulfilled wife of a loving and adoring man.
In my never-ending quest to help grownup women find fantastic love like I did, I’m writing about the six types of single women who drive men away. I’m outlining these dating “FemiTypes” so you, the oh-so deserving woman over 40 looking for love, can do two things:

  • Find love by clearing out what might be standing in your way.
  • Make better connections with men by extending them true empathy

Nothing to do with woman-bashing

This has nothing to do with woman-bashing or saying you’re broken in some way. It has nothing to do with saying that dating and relationships are more difficult for men than for women. It simply has to do with helping you get educated.

Just like us, men can have a tough time in the wild and wooly world of dating. How would you know their experience unless someone told you? So, if you agree there is value in knowing how “the other side” feels…read on!

The 6 FemiTypes are: The Princess, The 18 Year Old, The Scaredy Cat, The Wow-Me Woman, The Bitter Woman and The Sex Pot.

Today’s FemiType is The Wow-Me Woman.
She’s all about finding the one man who knocks her socks off. She’s convinced that the holy grail is that elusive “chemistry.” Without it, she hardly feels it’s necessary to give a guy any time or attention.
The Wow-Me Woman can’t define what she’s looking for but swears she will “know him when she sees him” (a common theme among FemiTypes).
Like the Princess, when it comes to her love life, emotions rule. The Wow-Me Woman is stuck in her 12-year-old self’s fantasy and guided by feelings and intuition. She firmly believes that one day her prince will come, they will lock eyes, and BANG…it will happen!

Swept off her feet

She wants to be swept off her feet. He needs to make her laugh, have charisma and charm and, upon first meeting, be able to carry on a conversation with her sans any silence. You know…the conversation just “needs to flow.” (Even though they’re meeting for the very first time and very few men have the skill of unbridled conversation.)

Overall, the Wow-Me Woman’s man needs to give her “that feeling.”  When I’m coaching her, she tells me: “It was amazing! I could tell right away that we had an amazing connection! I’ve been waiting so long to meet this guy!”  (I’m always tempted to reply, “How’s that instant connection thing working for you so far?”)

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for feeling a spark on the first date or two. But the Wow-Me Woman is so sure she has to feel the shazam-factor that she wouldn’t even recognize a small flame. She’s holding out for the blazing bonfire; and if it doesn’t happen right away, she’s not sticking around. She will snuff out the best of the best.

Anthony’s story

“I dated for a lot of years and met a ton of women. We’d have a good phone call and then we’d usually meet for coffee. A lot of them seemed to lose interest pretty quickly. I always felt like I was being tested. It was like: “Show me what you got!” And if I didn’t perform in the first 10 minutes, I could tell she would shut down. Like I disappointed her somehow.

I understand that I’m not Denzel Washington. But I’m educated, I have a good job, and I’m damn nice. And I was serious about finding The One. Apparently I was supposed to jump through some hoops to get their attention.

My wife didn’t fall in love with me instantly. But we liked each other, and after a few dates we knew we had potential. And we’ve ended up being a great team. She’s the greatest.

 I actually feel bad for those women. They’re probably all still single.”

Give a man a chance

You can probably imagine how it feels when you have to do some song and dance to get attention from someone you’re meeting for the first time.

Oh, wait…you don’t have to imagine, do you? You’ve probably felt like this with some of the men you’ve met. It’s like you have a few minutes to pass some test; and if you don’t, he’s essentially done.

Feels crappy, doesn’t it? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told by women how unfair it is that men don’t even give women a chance. Well, we can do the very same thing.

Anthony probably felt rejected each time this happened and, over the course of time, got angry. He was making an effort to meet women but getting judged by some unreasonable measurement. They were judging him on how good a date he was, not how good a potential partner he might make.

Anthony was right, by the way. Many Wow-Me Women stay single for a long time! I can say this as I was a member of that club.) They have probably had a lot of short-term, intense relationships (a.k.a. affairs) but no meaningful long-term ones.

Three scenarios

Here is how dating can go for the Wow-Me Woman: She dates and never meets men she likes. Then, once in a very long while, she meets someone and feels The Chemistry. They have an incredible first date. He could be The One! Then there are three scenarios:

Scenario #1)
They have a great first date and he never calls her again. In this case she apparently read it wrong. On one of my Man Panels, when asked about this phenomenon, a man once answered, “Well…it couldn’t have been that great of a date!”

Scenario #2)
He digs her too and, as a grownup guy looking for a life partner, he wants to learn more about her. He calls a few days later and asks her out again. But her intensity bowls him over. He can tell she’s already decided about him and latched on. That’s unimpressive, and he heads for the hills.

Scenario #3)
They have a great first date. He instantly starts texting and emailing, and they both jump in. They talk and/or see each other every day. She’s more and more convinced that her initial feeling was right on: he’s amaaaaazing! Then, relatively soon thereafter, he either disappears or explains that he’s just not ready for a relationship.

So let me break down this last scenario. The guy who jumps in so fast is a Wow-Me Man. He eventually realizes, though, that she’s not the woman he wants to marry. (Either that, or he doesn’t want to marry at all and just likes the feeling of being adored.) At the same speed he created the situation, he extricates himself. He knows he made a mistake.

Ignores the signs

The Wow-Me Woman, however, ignores any signs that he’s not a good match because she can’t bear to give up the fantasy. Once she’s wowed, no amount of contrary evidence can convince her they weren’t meant to be. She’s waited a long time for this, and she’s not about to give it up.

Even when it’s over – after one week or a few months – she can’t give up the dream of what might have been. She can’t figure out what went wrong because her fantasy is still too powerful. She holds on to her belief that they were great together. It’s just that he didn’t get it.

Unclear about what she wants in a man

Like The 18 Year Old, The Wow-Me Women is unclear on what she really wants in a man and thus can’t evaluate the almost-relationship realistically. Since she still thinks she had it right and he just didn’t know it, she will continue her pattern. She will reject man after man who doesn’t turn her on in search of her next hit of Shazam.

WOW-ME Rehab

Looking back at your experiences over the past several years, does any of the wow-me pattern seem familiar? If so, you know that it’s exhausting and sometimes depressing to live in a cycle of continuous disappointment and occasional Shazam.

If you don’t want to live feeling like this anymore, and you honestly want to find that special man to share your life…you can turn this around.

Generally after some time has passed, it becomes crystal clear that men you fell so hard for were nowhere near a good match for you. Take some time to review who the guys were that you “just knew” were right for you but turned out to be losers, jerks or just plain wrong. (A guy who disappears after a ton of texts and emails and a few dates – and especially after having sex – is a jerk. Period.)

How much energy did you expend on this guy? And how did this bad choice affect your dating experiences going forward? Did it create some mistrust of men (and maybe mistrust of yourself)?

An alternative

The grownup dater is clear on what she needs in a life partner. She knows exactly how she wants to feel when she’s with him, and she knows it takes a lot more than just excitement and Shazam to make a good partnership.

Learning the difference between a good date and a good mate is crucial not to drive your love life by fantasy and feelings alone

I recommend that your mantra as you meet men is DISCOVER, DON’T DECIDE. Give your intuition a holiday and tune into what your grownup woman is saying. If you find yourself getting swept away and can’t articulate why (except to say something like “He’s just so…awesome!”), then tap on the brakes for a while. He’ll still be there when the grownup part of you decides he’s got what it takes for you to be happy as partners.

Get clear

A lasting relationship with a good guy is more likely to begin when you’re clear about what you want, and you allow yourself to see him as a real person. Dump your checklist and judge him based on the real stuff. After all, you’re looking for a life partner, not just a good date. Life and love with a real man is so much better than chasing after an elusive fantasy.

in the next article we’ll talk about the “Bitter woman”.

Dating online? Regardless of your age, the most important thing you need to know…

Whether you are 25 or 95 Having great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

A recommended Workshop by Bobbi

So If you’re living in California (Or just a plane flight away) she’s  teaching her breakthrough workshop Mastering the art of magnetizing men on Memorial Day Weekend 2013 – May 25-26, 2013 in Los Angeles, CA. Click here to learn more and reserve your seat.

What Dating Is Like for Men: Part 2 of 8 (Women Please read this)

Click to see Part 1 of this article

Regal or a Royal Pain? (FemiType #1: The Princess)

If you’re going to be a successful dater (which means you have fun and meet good men), an essential tool is the ability to empathize with the men you meet. Empathy is not feeling sorry for someone. It’s being able to put yourself in their shoes and understand their experience.

I believe that the only way women can truly do that with men is to hear their stories firsthand. In my years of coaching I have gathered thoughts, feelings and stories from men in their early 30s up to their 70s, and clear patterns have emerged.

Among those patterns is this: There are certain types of single women who grownup men looking for relationships hope NOT to meet.

In a previous article CLICK HERE TO VIEW I outlined the six types of women who are a challenge for men to date. They are The Princess, The 18 Year Old, The Scaredy Cat, The Wow-Me, The Bitter Gal and the Sex Pot.

Based on the number and intensity of comments this article received, I think I hit a nerve! Believe me, I am SO not judging. There are parts of these types in all of us. During my many years of dating, I leaned toward the Scardey Cat with a whopping dose of 18 year old. (And those gals still appear from time to time after years of marriage!)

I know of what I speak, and I also know that this is hard to shake. But I’m going to try to help you do just that.

Before you get all “what about all the types of men who are this and that?!”, please note: You will not find one instance of me saying that only women should work on themselves or that they should put up with jerky guys. Nowhere. But my job is to help women over 40 date successfully. So I speak to you; I help you understand and talk to men.

That does not mean men aren’t in need of tune-ups. It just means that I leave helping the men to other experts. Now we can move on. I’m going to shine a light on each of these “FemiTypes.”

Today’s spotlight

Today’s spotlight is on The Princess.  Maybe she grew up as a princess, or maybe her “I deserve it” attitude comes from being burned too many times and she uses it as a shield or a test. Either way, she needs to see what a man will give her before she gives anything in return. And maybe she never gives at all.

Men are initially attracted to her because she appears confident and well-put together. (Men love confident women!) But Miss Princess can soon turn out to be demanding, high maintenance and, in the extreme, a variation of a gold digger.

NORM’S STORY

Here’s what “Norm” has to say about his experience dating a Princess:

“I was going out with a woman recently who I was very attracted to, but she stood on principle and did not want to call me. I called every time and it bothered me. And at the end of each date all I got was a quick, emotionless “thank you.” But she still accepted more dates, so I thought maybe she needed time to feel comfortable with me.

For our third date I asked her where she would like to go, and she told me it was my job “since I was the man.” So I asked her to go to a restaurant in her neighborhood for dinner. When I did I got complete silence. Apparently she didn’t approve.

That date was our last date. I don’t know what she wanted, but there was no way I was going to please that woman. And I saw no sign of her trying to please me…so I ran for the hills.”

Norm was turned off by her insistence on seemingly playing by “The Rules.” He just wanted to be able to please her and to have some indication that she returned his interest.

Instead, her inflexibility and lack of reciprocity left him feeling like a failure and like it was a one-way transaction. Guessing what would make her happy frustrated him, and he felt unappreciated. A grownup man looking for a relationship is not going to tolerate this. He won’t last long with a Princess.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking….I do encourage you to let the man make the first move. But I also encourage you to let him know you’re interested and let him know what he can do to make you happy. Once the ball gets rolling you absolutely should reciprocate with phone calls and date planning.

WHAT A GROWNUP DATER DOES

Instead of holding on to the rules, the kind, grownup dater would take Norm’s cues, give him a call when he asked, and let him know what she’d like to do on the date. And when they had a great date, she’d let him know it made her happy and she appreciated whatever effort he made.

Grownup men are usually not chasers. They want to know how to make you happy and to be rewarded when they do. And when you like a guy, this should be quite simple to do, right?

So if you have a touch of The Princess, please, take off your crown, loosen up your rules, and don’t let great guys like Norm pass you by.

In my next post we’ll talk about why some nice guys never call again!

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