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Why do I continue to attract the same guy in a different pair of pants?

Meet Marla,
She’s a professional matchmaker working in Los Angeles who definitely knows her stuff! She helped countless couples connect with their soul mates and go on to marriage.

Helping others find that someone special

Marla is a certified life/dating coach, author and motivational speaker and has appeared on the Today Show, WGN Chicago Morning News, San Diego Living, KUSI San Diego Morning, Better TV, Urban Rush and over 40 radio shows including Coast to Coast AM, Playboy Radio and The Cooper Lawrence Show. Marla is passionate about helping others find that special someone to go through life with, someone that makes life sparkle.To learn more about Marla CLICK HERE

As an expert Matchmaker Marla undwerstands the value of good photos, She told me “You are so right about having good photos for online dating..and even when using a matchmaker, because I also have to send pics to my clients and they have the right to turn someone down and often do because of a photo”.

Expert advice

But today I’d like to share with you Marla’s insight on Why many women attract the same guy over and over again. Many women complain that they just can’t seem to find the right man, that they always end up with the wrong guy!

Same guy in a different pair of pants

When we think about love, our soul mate, settling down and getting married, and so on, we often go back to our childhood thoughts on this subject. These thoughts condition how we think, and what we expect our relationships to look like.

Are you seeing anyone?

Many women think they should be in a relationship, not because they really want one or are ready for one, but because it’s just the thing to do. The pressure to be in a relationship is so automatic at times that we don’t even think about it. Do you ever notice that when you are single, friends and family are always asking you, “Are you seeing anyone?” or “How’s your love life?” If you say you’re not seeing anyone, they all want to fix you up. Your friends all think that you are such a catch, so how can you be single? On the other hand, if you are in a lousy relationship, they want to know, “Why are you with that loser?” The quest to find Mr. or Ms. Right has become so popular that there seem to be a million online dating sites, matchmaking services, books and talk radio shows on the subject. Everywhere you look, there is some reference to finding the love of your life.
Unfortunately, when you jump from guy to guy without analyzing why you want to be in a relationship, what your needs are and where your self esteem falls in the range between lower than an ant or as high as the sky, you will tend to fall right back with the same ole’ same ole’ …. Different guy, in the same pair of pants!

Take stock

I suggest that you take stock and decide why you want a relationship right now. Do any of these reasons ring true?

– I am lonely.
– All of my friends are in a relationship.
– I can’t afford to go to nice restaurants unless a man invites me.
– I feel like a loser without a man in my life.
– My mother keeps asking me when I’m going to get married.
– My biological clock is ticking.
– I want to get over my divorce or last relationship.
– I want a man to support me so that I don’t have to work anymore.
– I want to get even with someone or make someone jealous.

It’s better than being alone

Many times people just jump right into a relationship or stay in one with the wrong person because they feel that it’s better than being alone. Jenny, a twice-divorced mother of two has a good job and wonderfully supportive girlfriends, but she repeatedly gets into relationships that are not good for her. She is currently in a relationship with a man who beats her and puts her down because “it’s better than being alone.”
Watching the news lately, it seems like every day I see a story about someone (usually a woman) who is missing or found dead, killed by an ex-lover or spouse. Even if we are lonely, the people we choose to let into our lives need to be chosen carefully.
That’s why I am inviting you to really look at whether or not you are ready for a relationship right now. Maybe you just got out of a bad relationship, are recently divorced, or had a death in the family and need to heal. There is nothing wrong with being alone and working on yourself to make sure that you are a complete, whole and healthy person who is ready to give your all with the right person. I’ve always liked the saying, “I’d rather be healthy and alone than sick with someone else.”

The right reasons

If you agree with any of these statements, you want to be in a relationship for the right reasons.

– I love my life, and I want to share my happiness with someone.
– I feel totally ready to find my soul mate and start a family.
– I have so much to give to the right person.

Don’t waste your time

Another reason we may stay too long in a relationship is that we hope the person will change. We tell ourselves, “I’ve found the perfect person for me. If only he, or she, could change this or that, we would be incredible together.” Listen up. This is really quite dangerous! You cannot change someone. It is very important to realize this. It is so tempting to try to do so when we find someone that seems so irresistible. I have heard too many people, especially women, say something like, “He has such potential. I can change him.”

Here’s a great tip: don’t waste your time attracting potential. Spend your energy attracting the person who is already right to you! Find someone who already has the qualities that you are looking for in another person. No one wants to be changed or nagged or disapproved of. Yes, once two people are in a committed relationship, there are things that each might have to bend a bit or compromise on to live together harmoniously, but in general, you can’t change someone, so don’t even try! If you don’t like the qualities that your partner possesses, either accept him or her the way they are or break up and find a partner who already has those qualities that you are seeking, and you will be on the path to meeting Mr. Right in a whole new pair of pants!

Dating online? Something to think about…

Whether you are 25 or 95 Having great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Why many women never get a second date.

Meet my new friend Pamela. As a dating expert she is fascinated with relationships and has spent the last fifteen years of her life studying and observing relationships and human behavior.

In Pamela’s words “

“My dating experiences began after my ex-husband and I were divorced. Before I married, I was a serial monogamist, going from one relationship to another. When I met my ex-husband, we were good friends and he was good marriage material. But something was missing. After we divorced, I bought into all the stereotypical beliefs that I was too old, there are no good men out there, there are no single men where I live and I was afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid that I had made a huge mistake and lost my only chance for love. I was afraid I would be alone the rest of my life. When I realized that sitting home with dirty hair, Doritos, and ice cream was not getting me anywhere, I gathered the courage and decided to date.

Dating support community

Pamela started a “Dating Support Community” to help people find their ideal relationship by learning to date in a way that is fun, easy and works for them! To find out more about what  Pamela does click here

Single women

I often speak to single women who tell me that they have had a terrible time dating , and that often they meet a nice man who seems interested in them- only to go on a first date and then never hear from him again.

Meeting “The One”

They get all excited and think that perhaps they’ve met “The One” and then they feel super-disappointed after being dumped after just one date!

Expert advice from Pamela

Here’s what Pamela has to say about this important subject…

Dumped After Just One Date!

Here is my story of how i was dumped after the first date! How I met a man I really liked, who really liked me back and then after just one date called me to say “I just don’t want to waste your time….”! So here’s the low down of exactly what I did right and then my critical mistake that changed everything!!

So here we go…

One day out of the blue, I was contacted by a man on Facebook. I was busy and building my business so I did not give him much thought. He was ok looking but not great AND based on his Facebook page, I thought he was an unemployed handyman so I was just not interested in him. But for months he kept pursuing me and we seemed to have a lot in common so finally, I decided what the heck and gave him my phone number.

Well as it turns out, he was an engineer, NOT unemployed and we had a lot in common. We both loved animals, enjoyed the outdoors, he was spiritual and we had similar backgrounds.

Dating Mistake No 1:

Being too judgmental based on a profile. Many men do NOT write good profiles. Give them a chance!

So we began to talk on the phone and regularly exchanged flirty texts with fun pictures. I was having fun while getting to know him.

Great Dating Move No. 1:

Being patient and taking the time to get to know someone before going out on date. And having fun and flirting at the same time.

But after several weeks of texts and calling I began to wonder when was I ever going to meet this guy? So when he text me again I made a joke about when my handsome new friend who had been flirting with me for weeks was ever going to ask me out. And then I let him ask me out.

Great Dating Move No. 2:

If waiting for a date seems to drag on, instead of getting frustrated or confrontational, ask for what you want in a fun and light way, then let him take the initiative.

Finally, we had our first date and I was so disappointed. I did not like him! In fact he bugged me! We were walking around downtown, and he kept making me stand on the inside of the sidewalk. I had to keep changing sides over and over and moving my purse back and forth. I was so annoyed and I wanted the date to end SOON. I thought-where is the guy I have been talking to for weeks?

Dating Mistake No 2:

Being too critical and judgmental. Remember, most people are nervous on a first date! Cut them some slack. He was making an effort and being a gentleman. Instead of appreciating him, I was judging him!

But I remembered my own coaching and I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. He was holding my hand the whole time, and while he annoyed me, I did not feel repulsed by him. So I stopped being in my critical mind and paid attention to how I felt. I realized I was kind of attracted to him. So I decided to show interest in him, practice flirting and focus on just having fun.

Great Dating Move No. 3:

Being polite, focusing on making your date feel comfortable, having a good time and just being interested in getting to know someone as a person.

The second I changed my perspective the whole date changed. We sat down by a fountain and began to talk. Suddenly it was like our phone conversations again. We had tons of stuff to talk about and I began to really like him and feel really attracted to him.

It began to get late and he suggested we have dinner. He took me to sushi restaurant and we sat down to eat. At this point, I began thinking about how I could really like this guy. And that he may be the one. Before I had been holding back at bit, but I felt myself start to get excited.

Dating Mistake No. 3:

This was the beginning of the end. Thinking he may be The One on a first date is a huge mistake. The imaginary relationship had begun and was about to ruin EVERYTHING!

During dinner, temporary insanity took over and I began to confide in him some personal issues I was experiencing in my life.

Shortly after that he said “it is getting late we should be going”. He walked me to my car, kissed me on the cheek and gave me a warm hug.

Later, he text me to make sure I got home ok. I text him back that I was on the phone talking to a girlfriend about her break-up. Thanks for dinner, I had fun.

Two days later he called me and said it was not going to work out because “I was all over the place” and he was ready to settle down.

What the heck happened?

We had a four-hour first date. He was affectionate, took me out to dinner, text me that night? I was glowing, I thought the date was great.

CRITICAL DATING MISTAKE THAT KILLED THE ATTRACTION: The second I decided I really liked him and that he could be “The One,” I treated him differently. I changed!

Before that moment, he was the one who was really interested in me, he was the one pursuing me.

But the second I started to really like him, I began acting like we were already in a relationship ON OUR FIRST DATE! I confided in him as if he was already my boyfriend. I opened up too much!

I confided private information about my life. When he text me I rambled on about my girlfriend’s break up instead of a polite thank you for your dinner.

So this is the pattern that I see a lot

When you begin to actually like a man, you become too eager.

When you are not interested in a man, you hold back more and that holding back is what makes him more attracted to you.

John Gray of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus explains the first stage in dating is attraction. He says:

“When a man is attracted to a woman, he gets excited because he anticipates that he can make her happy. He wants the opportunity to pursue her. When a woman is too eager to please, a man doesn’t experience the distance he needs to pursue her. Without movement and the opportunity for more, a man can easily lose the interest necessary to move through all five stages of dating.”

So what about all the men you are not interested in?

When a man is interested in you, he tries to please you and impress you. Many times you find his eagerness repelling.

Take my date, when he was trying to be a gentleman and hold my hand, and “protect me” by walking on the street side of the sidewalk. I was totally annoyed.
When I stopped being judgmental and allowed myself to be taken care of my feelings toward him totally changed.

One of my VIP clients is gorgeous, successful, smart, sweet, adventurous and fun- a great catch. I had her keep a dating log of all the men she talked to and dated. The log was filled with a long list of he “never called back”, “never asked me out” except one man. She wrote: “I enjoyed talking with him and he seemed to want a relationship and talked about things openly. But he seemed “pushy” and wanted to take me out to a casino, give me money to gamble with and was into planning things but a little too much too soon. I felt uncomfortable.”

Newsflash- a man who is willing to make plans and wants to take care of you is a sign of a man who is interested you and is available for a commitment.

So if it is a turn off to you when a man shows his interest and it feels like he is “trying to hard” when he wants to take care of you, how are you going to ever get into a committed relationship?

I suggest that you give these men a chance. Go out with them a few times. Get to know them. Look beyond the fact that they have “no game”.

In the seduction community- men who teach other men how to sleep with women- one of the first tricks they teach is to insult women several times during the night. This, they say, is guaranteed to make her want to go home with them.

If you are interested in men who are “hard to get” and who “hold back”, then you are reversing the masculine/feminine dynamic and you are becoming the aggressor. Being the aggressor will not get you into the committed relationship you are looking for.

So be open minded to men who are interested in you and want to take care of you. If you really want to be in a committed relationship, these are the guys. And they will probably treat you much better than the men who “have game”. The reason some men are so good at dating is because they have done it a lot- they are players.

Stay Present

Learn how to date casually. Stay present. Take your time getting to know someone. Take it slow. Give him the space to pursue you. And when he does, show appreciation. Give him a chance and practice allowing yourself to be taken care of.

Before you know it you will find your true love, a man who loves you and NEVER disappears!

Think About This too!

Having great online dating photos is the most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Dating tips for women over 65!

For those of you who don’t know her yet, let me introduce my friend Joann Cohen

Meet Dating Expert Joann Cohen

Joann has Master’s in Education with a concentration in Human Relations and Counseling and had been featured by TV guide, Fox news, USA today, TLC, ABC and many others ( To find out more about her visit www.joanncohen.com/ )

A couple of weeks ago we were talking about the subject of older women and some of the challenges that they face…here’s what Joann had to say

Some seniors are in great shape

My mom is pretty awesome. She still goes to the gym three times a week and does weights/cardio, is taking sign language, volunteers at the airport and is in better health than all her kids! “

Looking good in dating photos….This can be more of a challenge for seniors.

Women have more a challenge

As you said,  women have more a challenge. As they become over 65 years, there are tons to women and few men. Of the men who are single,  there are few  healthy, financially ok,  relationship minded men. Women who want these men –  have lots of competition. Those men  almost always want to go for younger and they definitely go for youthful appearance. A woman can go online and search for women in her age category and search for men to see the numbers for herself.

I don’t make the rules

I don’t make the rules but I do communicate them to clients. Therefore most of these points below are for senior women.

Old Hair Styles

Women – keep old hair styles that age them. It’s the bouffant/puffy look. They can stay grey/white but add a contemporary edge. There are several senior women models that they can take some photos to their hairdresser and try something different.

Not too Blond

Women go too blonde. It washes them unless they are super careful with makeup. Blonde is a color that hides the grey better (greying roots are more observable on dark color hair) but it’s a double edged sword. Women’s coloring naturally fades as we get older and really light hair, makes us washed out.  Women need to be careful and look for adding darker blondes perhaps with a few blonde highlights.

Color Helps

Men/Women – seem they  wear lots of blacks, whites, grey. On seniors – I think color really helps to make them youthful. The black just seems to wash them out. Color seems and feels more vibrant = youthful.  (there’s actually a study that wearing color and good fitting clothes can alter a bad mood to a positive one!). Blues, teals (look good on almost any skin shade), purples (that’s a go to color for men – there’s always a shade that looks good on a man), etc.

 

Smile please

Smiling is even more important – it diminishes the jowling.

Even more important

Posture is even more critical. While it’s a problem for anyone not to stand up straight – when they’re seniors, things have really sagged. This sagging really ages them and makes them look older and heavier. This results in women having less definition in their curves. It’s important women wear good bras (yes-  I will tell women of any age that.)

Show who you are

There’s numerous studies that men are attracted to curves so it’s crucial women show them. Women make a mistake that men want skinny ladies – big mistake. I had a senor client (80 something) and if a woman was 5’4”, she better by at least 165 pounds. So whatever women have – make sure they show it!

Women try to hide the weight (of all ages) by wearing loose billowy clothes. This always adds weight to everyone but really bad for older women. They are more likely than younger women to wear baggier clothes – it’s a safe way of disappearing. But it disappearing doesn’t work online to capture a man.

Don’t try too

Some women go the opposite and try to dress too youthful or wear too much makeup. They’ll try to capture the men’s attention with some outfit that would look best on their granddaughters. The color is too dramatic for This will actually make them look older and more desperate.

Classy and contemporary

I recommend to my senior clients style to go for classy and contemporary. They don’t have to dress in the latest Vogue fashion but show that they know classic style.  For example – my mom’s dress ( I bought it for her). It’s classic, Ralph Lauren.

Seniors’ skin has sagged and gotten spotty so a deep cut (even v neck) may not be their best look. So a Boat neck (straight across like my Mom’s), round collar can be flattering. I don’t usually like turtlenecks as most women (unless they had work done) is jowly and the turtleneck emphasizes it.

And most (not all) arms have really gotten saggy. So wear clothes that go to the elbow, ¾ sleeves or long sleeves is a more flattering look. Of course, men over 50 without shirts isn’t going to work but they still try. If you’re someone that has toned arms (I do have 1 senior female client with amazing toned arms) than she’ll want to flaunt them. But that’s 1 out of a thousand.

Shoes are huge. In  photos many will wear clunky orthopedic looking things which is again. I always  have women wearing a spikey (even if it’s a small heel) to make their ankles and legs look slimmer. I have women of all ages wear spikes because wedges, chunky heels make legs look bigger. If they can’t wear heels, then a ballet slipper or similar simple flat. IF that fails – don’t take any photos showing the feet.

Take the time

I also recommend to all clients that they have photo shoots that are at least 30 minutes (even if it’s a family member). Because they start to relax and then the best photos are taken. What I do with my clients is have the photographer shoot about 5 shots and then show the client how marvelous they look. Once they see that, they feel more comfortable and we get better photos. This process can be repeated throughout the shoot to make sure the client feels like a super model.

From the Heart, Joann Cohen

 

Think About This!

Having great online dating photos is the most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Let’s Get Physical…or Should We?

My friend Bobbi Palmer is a Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40 and founder of Date Like a Grownup. She is not just a dating coach; she’s a dating success story! Bobbi became a first time bride at age 47 and has helped countless women around the world do what she did: find lasting love after 40. She describes her marriage as “the yummy icing on her already great cake” and prides herself on practicing what she preaches and teaches every single day.
Bobbi is the author of Confessions of the World’s Worst Dater: Her 7 Secrets to Finally Finding Love after 40 and has lent her expertise to countless media including NPR, eHealth Radio, LATalkRadio.  She is a regular contributor to multiple go-to resources for midlife daters and those searching for love including Huffington Post, Match.com, Yahoo Shine, Chemistry.com, YourTango and eHarmony.com.

Let’s talk about sex

Here’s what Bobbi has to say about sex…

The idea of sex in your 40s, 50s and beyond can make a gal run for the hills. You crave intimacy, but the last thing you want is to sleep with him and get hung up like an 18 year old. There is also that body image thing, that disease thing…lots of concerns that can drive you to simply opting-out of dating and looking for love.

As a dating and relationship coach for single women over 40, I often get asked to help my clients decide when they can safely slide between the sheets. Here are 5 tips to help you retain your honor and self respect, yet have a nice time dating and getting to know those fabulous men out there.

  1. Accept that you are responsible for yourself.

You are a mature woman who most likely steers your own ship in all other areas of your life. He isn’t in charge of what you do and when you do it; you are, sister.

You can weigh options, make complex decisions and exercise your assertiveness. You probably do this every day with your career, your family, even with the dry cleaner; dealing with single men should be no exception.

  1. Set your intentions and stick with them.

Set your intention and stick with it.

What do you want from a man and a relationship? Do you want a rollicking roll in the hay or a lifelong relationship? Decide what your goal is and work toward it, just like you do with everything else in life.

  1. Lay off the liquor.

Think back to when you would frequent bars or college parties. Alcohol doesn’t make you more attractive or charming, and it doesn’t ease the pain the morning after when you realize you made a terrible decision.

Play it smart and stay sober. Stick with a glass of wine with dinner and leave the shot glasses on the bar.

  1. Decide whether he’s a hottie or a hubby.

If you’re looking for someone who’s going to be with you for the long haul, understand that a man who is a good date will not necessarily be a good partner. He may be chock-full of charm and make your stomach somersault, but he may still lack relationship potential.

When you’re feeling that flutter, stop and ask yourself: does he have potential to be the man I adore, admire and depend on? If the answer is “no, he’s just hot” then apply the brakes. Sleeping with this man could lead to disaster.

  1. Learn a Love Lesson from the Dalai Lama

In The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living, the Dalai Lama ponders pleasure versus happiness. He reminds us that pleasure feels good at the moment; happiness fulfills you for the long-term.

When you are considering intimacy, take a breath, separate yourself from the immediacy of the moment, and ask, “Will this make me feel good about myself and get me closer to my goal of finding love?”

Partaking in physical pleasure is a wonderful part of a powerful, loving relationship. With a little healthy lust and a lot of sensibility and self-awareness, you can have a vigorous, fun and satisfying sex life that leads you to the happiness you deserve.

If you want to find that man who loves and adores you for the rest of your life, join Bobbi for her Grownup Girls’ Night Out FREE monthly webcasts. Get a ton of expert, juicy, must-have information and advice about men, dating, sex and relationships…all free and from the comfort of your own home. Click here to learn more and register.

Think About This too!

Having great online dating photos is the most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

When should I have sex with him for the first time?

Evan Marc Katz is one of the Big hitters of the Dating Industry…a “personal trainer for smart, strong, successful women,” dating coach Evan has been helping singles find love for over a decade! Dozens of his clients have gotten married, started families, and found happiness.

It’s an unlikely career for a man – much less a man who was called a “Serial dater” by CNN – yet that’s what makes Katz such a unique coach.

Helping women understand Men

By helping women understand men – what they think, how they act, and what they really want – he empowers them to make healthy, informed choices in love. To learn more about Evan click here

When it comes to the dating game many women often ask the question “When Should I Have Sex With Him For the First Time?”

An Expert Answer

Here’s Evan’s expert answer:

In the latest “Water is wet; News at 11? report, the Journal of Sex Research reports that – get this – having sex too early in a relationship is a bad idea. Shocking, I know.

And before thou dost protest too much because you’re the happily married woman who hopped into bed and are still in love 30 years later?

Chill. You’re the exception. Here’s the rule:

“Investigators surveyed roughly 11,000 people on when a couple first got frisky. Compared to couples who had sex before they started dating or during the first three weeks of their relationship, those who waited actually rated their current relationship as more satisfying and more stable. They also reported greater levels of positive communication.”

“Sexclusivity”: don’t sleep with a guy until he’s your boyfriend.

Wait for it!

You mean sleeping with an attractive stranger you’ve known for 3 hours and hoping that you’re compatible in the long run is a bad idea? REALLY?

“There is compelling evidence that waiting to have sex until later in the relationship is associated with better relationship dynamics and outcomes,” says study co-author Brian Willoughby, PhD, an associate professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.

Not just BS.

This isn’t just conservative B.S. This correlates with what you know from reality.

He sleeps with you on the first date. You think it means he likes you or wants to be your boyfriend. In fact, all it means is that he wanted to have sex with you. He’ll figure out in a few weeks or months whether he actually likes you enough to commit to you. But why is sex too early so dangerous? According to the article:

Not surprisingly, having sex creates powerful emotional bonds. If those bonds are forged too early, they may saddle a relationship with baggage that can complicate the partnership before both partners are ready, Willoughby theorizes. Having sex sooner might also compel us to stay in relationships that we know aren’t built to last, the study suggests.

Finally, “women who delay sex are more driven to invest in their relationships,” says one researcher, adding that the research results were consistent across age groups, races, and religious affiliations.

Sexclusivity

The word I’ve coined for this is “sexclusivity”. Don’t sleep with a guy until he’s your boyfriend. Wait a month or so before you do so. And if/when you do finally have sex, you are guaranteed that it’ll be with a guy who you like, trust, and know enough to be worthy of commitment – as opposed to letting lust take over and then keeping your fingers crossed.

Think About This!

Having great online dating photos is the most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

 

“There’s someone for everyone” & other ridiculous Dating Advice

Let me introduce you to Scot McKay.

Character based

Scot’s been helping men with his dating advice for nearly a decade with a unique approach he calls “character-based”.
Scot talks about how a masculine, confident man of true character and leadership skill is an authentic representation of the man the most desirable women want, obviating the need for “tricks” and “techniques”.
His concepts transcend mere pickup and seduction and describe a state of having control over one’s dating life, culminating in the ability to attract the highest quality women on Earth,

I’m not politically correct and proud of it! I’m an unrepentant fan of men being men and women being women so I like Scot’s no bullshit approach. (I also think that many of the “Pickup artist” techniques that some dating experts use has a “creepy vibe” and are a bit sad and needy) so feel that Scot’s character based advice will not only help men find great women, but they’ll also avoid the creepy vibe, gain more self respect and enjoy the process.

To find out more about Scot click here 

Here’s an article that Scot kindly wrote exclusively for us here at LookbetterOnline.com (Thanks Scot!)

“There’s someone for everyone”(And other ridiculous dating advice)

It never ceases to amaze me what passes for dating advice among the masses. Among dubious classics such as “just be yourself”,”friends first”, “be nice and comb your hair” and “women love jerks” is the particular gem we’re going to address today:


…”
There’s someone for everyone.”

 

No real steps

Now, it’s important to realize the mindset behind most “armchair” dating advice.  Basically, it’s given in hopes of making someone feel better about his or her situation without providing any real, substantial steps to actually improving anything.

Consider how many grandmas have told dateless college students, “Someone will come along and love you just the way you are, honey.”
Well, guess what?  I’m not your Grandma.  And after nearly eight years immersed in this stuff I’ve long since gotten up out of the “armchair” and into the saddle.

So it’s my solemn duty to inform you that just like whatever Grandma told you, resting your hope in a pie-in-the-sky notion like
“There’s someone for everyone” is a BAD IDEA.

A NON-strategy

Really, I can’t call it a poor strategy.  It’s actually a NON-strategy.

To be clear, I’m not disputing that there is someone for everyone. I absolutely do believe that every human being can and should find
love….The real problem is that the entire premise smacks of SETTLING, doesn’t it?

Let me spell it out for you:  If you’re passively hoping (another NON-strategy, by the way) for just ONE woman to fall into your life out of the blue, then you’re already completely off-track.

Simply stated, a decidedly more exciting reality awaits any “big four” man of strong character who is confident, masculine in the way women define it and able to make women feel safe and
comfortable in his presence.

Indeed, there may be “someone for everyone”, but there are UNLIMITED OPTIONS for that guy.

Don’t just wait…the time is now!

Wouldn’t you rather have your pick of LOTS of adoring women rather than waiting around for “someone”?

Think about it.  If there’s “someone” out there for you who you’re wishing upon a star in hopes of meeting someday, what kind of choice does that imply?
If you answered “zero”, you’re right on.
Passivity will DESTROY your level of success with women, assuming you’ve achieved any success thus far.
If you haven’t yet experienced success, then that same passivity will flatly PROHIBIT you from ever tasting it.

When you stop looking

Yes, I realize I’m making a strong statement. But you can’t simply wait around for “love to happen when you least expect it”.  Even worse shade tree advice than that is, “when you stop looking for love, love will find you”.

Man, that last one has to be the biggest “whopper” of all.  Why don’t we all just quit our jobs and start buying lottery tickets instead, too?
Yet again, all the examples of bad advice I’ve given here really do share that common theme, don’t they?  They’re all “fluff” and no substance.
Who can expect to accomplish ANYTHING in this life without proactively going about making it happen?
Love, or success with women if you prefer, is no exception.

I can promise you that if you’re on a surrealistically long “losing streak” right now–or have always struck out with every woman you’ve ever really wanted–then things aren’t going to “magically” change without any direct input from you. The perfect woman of your dreams isn’t going to suddenly descend from heaven one day with a halo in a beam of light.

Man up and go after what you want

You’re going to have to deserve what you want.  You have to be the man of HER dreams.
For better or worse, that means you’ll have to make an effort…not only to be that “big four” man, but to man up and go after who you want.

You have to conquer fear of “rejection” and/or that you’re “bothering” women by striking up a conversation with them.

Action

Yes…this all involves some real-world action on your part.  But it doesn’t have to be as hard or as complicated as you think.  Results can come quickly.
And the journey itself can even be exciting as you see your fortunes improve steadily.

Believe me when I tell you that there’s no better feeling than being able to CHOOSE the woman (or women) you want to be with.

Having options means making INFORMED choices.  And informed choices are BETTER choices.  Better choices lead to better RELATIONSHIPS…every time.

Be Good,
Scot McKay

Dating online? Regardless of your age, the most important thing you need to know…

Whether you are 25 or 95 Having great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

What Dating Is Like for Men: Part 8 of 8 (Women Please read this)

Click to see Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, and Part 7 of this article.
Are You Ready to Teach and Tame Her? (FemiTypes – The Epilogue)

I’ve profiled six types of women – I call them FemiTypes – who have less than healthy relationships with men. I’ve written about The Princess, The 18 Year Old, The Scaredy Cat, The Wow-Me Woman, The Bitter Woman and The Sexpot.

Why have I written about women when you really want to know about men? Because I know it will help lead you get to where you want to be: in a loving relationship with a man who is devoted to you.

Creating empathy

I wrote the FemiType series in hopes of creating empathy for your counterpart: the over 40 single guy who is dating and looking for love. Many of these guys come to you after dating, living with or being married to one or more of these FemiTypes.

After reading this series, I hope you can understand why some single men can seem judgmental, insecure, scared or a little shell-shocked! Like you, they’re likely reacting based on previous experiences.

Understanding men’s bumps and bruises will add to your compassion, and compassion is toward the top of the list of feminine traits that men desire most in a partner. It ranks before sex appeal, intelligence, or being blonde and skinny. Relationship-minded men are drawn to a compassionate woman.

A window to look through

My FemiType series also gives you a window through which you can identify patterns of your own behavior that unknowingly turn away good guys. One of the biggest complaints I hear from my clients is that, after only one or two dates that seem great, the guy just disappears. That can be for a whole host of reasons having nothing to do with you.

But often –  and I know because guys tell me – it’s because of behavior that turns off men, emasculates them, hurts them, or just downright confuses them. Sometimes we can just be too much work for them!

Knowledge is power

Knowledge is power, and I’m all about empowering you. Self-awareness is the most powerful tool of all. It’s what started me on my journey to finding the most amazing love, and it will also put you in control of getting what you want.

Some women figure the only problem is that there aren’t enough men. They resist looking at themselves or taking personal responsibility. I get it. That’s how I dated for about 30 years! I just kept trolling, casting my net and waiting and hoping for the right guy to come along. (You know…the guy who was going to love me just the way I was without me having to make any changes?)

Looking back, I’m sure I met plenty of good guys during my dating years. I can see now how my inner Scaredy Cat and 18 Year Old kept me from attracting them (or even recognizing them).
I kept scaring away the good men, and the only ones I attracted were the jerks. You know who appears then…The Bitter Woman! H-e-l-l-o!

My Formula for Overcoming My FemiTypes

In my 40s I finally realized the only common denominator to my unsatisfactory (i.e., lack of) relationships was ME. With guidance (Yes, I use coaches!) I realized it was I who had control over my romantic outcomes. And boy, was I controlling them!

So…I got to work.

I discovered my “wonderfulness” and learned how to show it to men. (Falling in Love with Myself). This gave me confidence I had never had before, and there is nothing more attractive than confidence. (That comes before compassion on guys’ lists.)

Then I got clear on what I wanted in a man and in a relationship.I helped my 18 Year Old grow up and defined the traits in a man that were really important for grownup happiness. I got rid of the items on my “list” that really didn’t matter. You know: tall, dark, gorgeous, rich, drives a good car, no baggage, loves to travel, etc.  Btw, this is where it really helps to be over 40 – we now have rich life experience that can help guide us.

The hardest  part for me was getting rid of the gremlins, assumptions and beliefs that held me back: things like “I’m too fat,” “Men don’t like smart women,” and “I’m just going to get hurt, so what’s the point?” I put my gremlins in their place, locked in a tiny closet at the back of my brain. They came out to play now and then, but I wouldn’t let them sabotage me anymore. I wanted this too much.

Taming Your FemiTypes

Once you know what is wonderful about you and what you really want in a man, and once you have challenged and cut your gremlins down to size…THEN you are ready to find your guy.

When you cast your net with all this in your tool chest, this is the easy and fun part! When you’re clear, ready and open, finding love is soooo much easier.  Within 18 months of doing my inner work, I became a first-time bride at age 47! And as I write this, we are one month from our six-year anniversary.

No Shortcuts

So, wonderful woman, sorry but there are no shortcuts. The path is simple, though, and it’s not so long once you know what to do and how to do it. (Kind of like many things in life that seem hard, yet you end up mastering them without much fuss.)

I wish I had some quick tidbit of advice for you to use that will miraculously make Him appear. But today I’m all about looking deeper and going further with you. And the only advice is for you to learn to BE the woman who attracts that loving man.

If you’ve made it this far reading this, I have full confidence that you’re up for this journey.

I’ve heard from many of you that the FemiType series has been eye-opening and helpful. That’s why I’m here: to open your eyes to the beauty of being a grownup in the area of love. (As I know you are in the rest of your life.) I’m here to guide you on your path to Finding Hope and then Finding Him. You deserve to wake up every morning for the rest of your life with a man who adores you.
I did it. My clients are doing it…and you can too. I am SO looking forward to hearing you tell me about this wonderful experience in your life!

Dating online? Regardless of your age, the most important thing you need to know…

Whether you are 25 or 95 Having great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

A recommended Workshop by Bobbi

So If you’re living in California (Or just a plane flight away) she’s  teaching her breakthrough workshop Mastering the art of magnetizing men on Memorial Day Weekend 2013 – May 25-26, 2013 in Los Angeles, CA. Click here to learn more and reserve your seat.

What Dating Is Like for Men: Part 7 of 8 (Women Please read this)

Click to see Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5 and Part 6 of this article.

Are You Attracting the wrong guys?
(FemiType #6: The Sexpot)

Let me start today by telling you how magnificent you are….

The fact that you are a woman over 40 and reading this tells me that you are all the more spectacular. Really, it does!

One of the reasons finding love over 40 can be the most gratifying time of all is that you know your sphere of power.
You’ve learned you are only in control of you, no one else. Life has taught you that you cannot control co-workers, friends, and especially the men you date…or marry, for that matter.
(Though I’m quite sure you occasionally try.)

With self control

You also know that with that self-control comes personal responsibility, and you know you have the power to create a happy and full life for yourself instead of living one of disappointment and scarcity. This is why I’ve written this series on FemiTypes.*

Hard as it is to take a close look at yourself, I know that you have a super-important goal you have not yet reached. As with all things in your life you have already achieved, you know that the way to get what you want is to learn, grow and work for it. So here you are.

But this only makes you human. Not wrong. Not bad. Not anywhere near unlovable. Changing behavior for most of us is about just that; it’s not about some fundamental flaw we have as a woman.

My Wish

My wish is for you to spend the rest of your life with a man who absolutely adores you and with whom you feel safe and understood. (Just as I am doing.) Solely in the interest of helping you find that love do I ask you to take a look at how the behaviors of these FemiTypes may mirror some of your bad love habits. This is likely what is standing in your way of getting what you want.

Knowledge is power. And if there is anything I’m, about it’s empowering you, my incredibly deserving sisters, to get what you want out of life. With self-knowledge comes more control over your behavior and, in turn, over the types of men you attract. With more power and clarity, you can steer your dating and relationship ship.

The Sex Pot

So, here we go. Today is the last of the 6 FemiTypes – The Sex Pot.

We all know her. She dresses a little too young. Her dress is a little too tight, too short, showing a tad too much cleavage and her lipstick is the brightest of reds. Each, on their own, is not a big deal.  Combined, it is just over the top, especially on a supposedly grownup woman.

While The Bitter Woman leads with her anger, this gal leads with her sexuality. She learned at an early age that sex was the way to attract a man. And it works! But she has not yet learned that it’s not the way to attract a relationship.

Listen, I’m all for women having fun in bed and enjoying all the sex they want. Some women want this time in their lives to explore and enjoy their sexuality. I say go for it! But be careful and know that luring men in using your sexuality will most likely NEVER lead you to love.
The Sex Pot is different than this gal. She wants a relationship and believes sex is the way to a man’s heart. She measures her self-worth by how men respond to her sexually. Her underlying belief is probably that she doesn’t have much else to offer to get attention from men. And she just doesn’t know any other way.

 As her wrinkles deepen

As her wrinkles deepen, her thighs sag and her waistline thickens, she becomes more sexually assertive. She needs confirmation that she still “has it.” It can be sad and seen by men as being desperate…and a little immature.

Tony’s Story

“We met online and her pictures were pretty hot. She was flirty in her emails, and I thought that was cute and exciting. When I picked her up for our first date, she put her hand on my leg as I drove to the restaurant. We had a pretty good time. When I went to drop her off, she invited me in and after a short time offered me a back rub. I was a little put off, but hey, I’m a guy so I said yes. The back rub soon became more, with her as the aggressor.

When I put on the brakes she was offended that I didn’t ‘go for it.’ As much as I’m a healthy red-blooded 64-year old guy, I just kept thinking that she didn’t really know me and wondered if she did this with every guy she meets. That was a big turn off. I suppose I could have had sex with her and then never called her again. But that’s just not me anymore.”

A good guy

Tony was a good guy who, to his surprise, was put off by this woman’s come-on. He sensed her desperation and knew instinctively she was not relationship material. Overall it was more a turn off than a turn on. It seems like this experience left him feeling emasculated and kind of used. His 18 Year Old was probably screaming “Go for it!” but his grownup self wanted nothing to do with it. Yes, men can feel like sex objects too.

The Sexpot’s Reality and Re-education

The Sex Pot attracts the wrong guys, they take her bait, use her and follow up only when they want more sex or maybe just a stroke of their egos. These users spot this FemiType a mile away. She makes excuses for them when they disappoint her. Because she is ever hopeful it may turn into a real relationship, she willingly accepts the next booty call.
When she stops to think about it, she feels used and empty. But she doesn’t often stop long since she is almost always on the hook with some guy she thinks has potential. She needs that to shore up her confidence. And when he dumps her, she feels used and blames him for being a liar and user.

Sex=Love?

Ultimately The Sexpot doesn’t change because she doesn’t know any other way to attract or maintain a relationship with a man. She equates sex with love, which is probably something she learned as a teenager and still believes as truth. She is clueless to the fact that men of any age do not equate sex and love and that sexual attraction is just that. Period.

Unlike The 18 Year Old, she doesn’t need to have butterflies nor feel the big Shazam like The Wow-Me Woman. She doesn’t even need a great first date. She is a little foggy as to what she wants in a man and doesn’t have much on her “list” other than mutual attraction. If he’s turned on to her, she’s usually turned on to him.
The Sexpot’s idea of intimacy has not been updated since her 20s. (Though she is more skilled, which the men surely appreciate!) She treats any performance issue as a huge deal. She is usually less than diplomatic with this sensitive, very common male issue.

Sexpot Rehab

Like all of us, The Sexpot wants true love and acceptance. She just doesn’t know how to attract and nurture it. Her first step toward this is finding her true self-worth beyond her sexuality, after she is clear on all the wonderful things she has to offer, she needs to step back from her 18-year-old version of what she wants in a guy.

When The Sexpot meets a grownup guy she likes, consciously holding off on initiating sex is important so she can start breaking her habits. One huge advantage of looking for love over 40 is that mature, grownup guys will wait to have sex if they are interested in you as a partner. I hear this constantly from men.
To reiterate: if you just want to enjoy sex at this time of your life, I say go for it! But if you’re looking for love, it’s not the place to start. Getting to know someone stimulates the biggest sex organ of all: the brain! When you start there, relationships are created…even with men.

In the next article We’ll talk about what we’ve learned (about Femi-types) and how to apply it!

Dating online? Regardless of your age, the most important thing you need to know…

Whether you are 25 or 95 Having great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

A recommended Workshop by Bobbi

If you’re living in California (Or just a plane flight away) she’s  teaching her breakthrough workshop Mastering the art of magnetizing men on Memorial Day Weekend 2013 – May 25-26, 2013 in Los Angeles, CA. Click here to learn more and reserve your seat.

What Dating Is Like for Men: Part 6 of 8 (Women Please read this)

Click to see Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 and Part 5 of this article.

Do All Men Make You Mad?
(FemiType #5: The Bitter Woman)

In an effort to help you understand the man side of this midlife dating experience, I’ve introduced you to The Princess, The 18 Year Old, The Scaredy Cat and The Wow-Me Woman: all FemiTypes* that send good men running.

Today I’m going to talk about perhaps the most challenging of all FemiTypes: The Bitter Woman. She is a little scary, a lot angry, and all about being a victim. Not only does she scare and briefly traumatize the men she meets, but her bitterness probably seeps into all areas of her life.
So buckle your seat belts; this may get a bit bumpy. The good news is that you will probably not recognize yourself here – though I’ll bet you have a friend or someone else in your life who is The Bitter Woman. (These are not women to talk to about your search for love, btw.)

Life Doesn’t always run smooth

Who hasn’t had periods of feeling bitter? Whether you’ve been passed over for a promotion, had a crappy childhood, or had a man do you wrong, by this time in your life you’ve taken a fair share of hits.

A grownup woman accepts that life does not always go her way. The Bitter Woman does not. She marinates in her victimhood and anger, making most anyone who crosses her path pay for her disappointment. (Especially the men.)
Not coincidentally, The Bitter Woman constantly meets bad men who piss her off. She may start with “He’s great!”, but she will always get to “He’s a total asshole.” When it ends (and it always does), she is even more convinced that all men are jerks. Her toxic anger then reignites, and she is ready for the next target.

Pointing fingers

When it comes to assigning blame for her crappy love life, she is all about pointing fingers and never about looking in the mirror. It doesn’t occur to her that the lack of a great relationship in her life has anything to do with her. It’s all about lousy men and bad luck.

Perry’s Story

“I actually met her in the grocery store. She was attractive and I liked her spunk, so I asked for her phone number. We had a good phone conversation, and at the end I suggested we meet for coffee. She said something like “Oh…you don’t take women you meet in grocery stores to dinner?” I told her I thought coffee would be a good start, and if we wanted to we could move on to dinner.

I could tell within minutes after we met that she had a chip on her shoulder about me not taking her to dinner. She made a couple of snarky comments about it. And the rest of the time she was bashing her first husband and all her online dating experiences. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough! And then she had the nerve to email me wondering when we were going out to dinner. She was scary. I can’t imagine any guy making that woman happy.”

Perry was a nice enough guy. He was making an effort to get to know her. She knew next to nothing about him yet was already assuming he was a cheapskate or a jerk…and he knew it. I’m guessing that she was telling herself something like “here we go again…another one just like the rest.”
He was put off by her demanding, negative attitude and then relieved when he escaped before dinner. In the end he feels he dodged a bullet…and he did.

Bitterness to Self-Awareness

The Bitter Woman has created this hard shell that protects a wounded heart. Her irony is that she just wants someone to love and accept her. (Don’t we all?) But she is the least willing of all the FemiTypes to reciprocate that open acceptance.

She feels damaged by the men in her life. She may have had a nasty divorce, a cheating spouse or boyfriend, or a messed up relationship with her father. (You don’t need to be a psychologist to figure this as a possibility.)

One man or many

Whether it was one man or many, she hangs on the experiences and uses her anger like a protective shield. That use of blame prevents her from taking responsibility for the relationships in her life, especially with men. She is afraid, but anger is her go-to emotion rather than dealing with what she’s really feeling: fear, insecurity, sadness, etc.

The Bitter Woman careens between self-pity and self-righteousness. She says things like “Those jerks never even give me a chance!, the unsaid being: So there’s nothing I can do about it!

Her self-righteousness comes out as bullying: “What…dinner isn’t good enough for me? Are you cheap or something?” And voila! She creates her own negative reality. (Is anyone having fun yet?)

I admit that The Bitter Woman is challenging. Her transformation begins with taking an honest, sometimes painful look in the mirror. Seeing and accepting that she is the common denominator in all her bad relationships is her first step toward freedom.

Create a New Reality

Another part of the journey is uncovering your beliefs and assumptions about men, dating and relationships. Men are only interested in sex. Relationships mean giving up your dreams. Men don’t want a woman like me. All the good men are taken. My man has to be/has to do xyz or he doesn’t really care. Dating is scary and you have to protect yourself. Go on…write it all down.

Next, start to validate your beliefs. You have a choice: focus on the guy(s) who did you wrong (at least that how it looks now) and assume they’re all like that OR start gathering new evidence.

Look for the good men

Look for the good men around you. Maybe it’s your brother, neighbor, best friend’s husband, chiropractor or co-worker. I’ve never met a woman who couldn’t identify some men in her orbit who were kind and a good partner to someone. Are there really NO good men? Anywhere? Really? And look at their partners. Is it true men don’t pick women like you?

What you Believe is your Truth. If you see any Bitter Woman in you, you can choose to take personal responsibility for creating your new truth.

I know, because I did this work myself. It took some serious work for me to get past my “Men Are” nonsense. This was stuff I had believed since junior high school. And when I exorcised those demons, all of the sudden I saw good men all around me.

Eventually the One was right in front of me. The old me would have scared him away. The new me attracted him like a magnet. Score!

Thankfully, the vast majority of you rockin’ ladies take your lumps in life graciously. You’ve had your share of disappointments and hurt with men, but you don’t hang on like The Bitter Woman. You know it’s okay to get pissed off, vent for a while, and have a pity party.

Hope, determination and an open heart

Eventually, though, you move on with hope, determination and an open heart. That is the way to find meaningful and lasting love – and peace of minds

I know this is possible for you: a devoted man, a peaceful heart, and some sweetness in your life every day.
In the next article we’ll talk about attracting the wrong sorts of men.

Dating online? Regardless of your age, the most important thing you need to know…

Whether you are 25 or 95 Having great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

A recommended Workshop by Bobbi

If you’re living in California (Or just a plane flight away) Bobbi is teaching her breakthrough workshop Mastering the art of magnetizing men on Memorial Day Weekend 2013 – May 25-26, 2013 in Los Angeles, CA. Click here to learn more and reserve your seat.

What Dating Is Like for Men: Part 5 of 8 (Women Please read this)

Click to see Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4 of this article.

Are You Waiting for Some Fantasy Man?
(FemiType #4: The Wow-Me Woman)

Newsflash: Women constantly push really good guys right out of their lives without even knowing it. We do it by behaving in ways that, until pointed out by someone else, are a complete mystery.
Finally having this pointed out to me in my early 40s was a huge part of my transition from a pretty happy single gal to, at age 47, a truly fulfilled wife of a loving and adoring man.
In my never-ending quest to help grownup women find fantastic love like I did, I’m writing about the six types of single women who drive men away. I’m outlining these dating “FemiTypes” so you, the oh-so deserving woman over 40 looking for love, can do two things:

  • Find love by clearing out what might be standing in your way.
  • Make better connections with men by extending them true empathy

Nothing to do with woman-bashing

This has nothing to do with woman-bashing or saying you’re broken in some way. It has nothing to do with saying that dating and relationships are more difficult for men than for women. It simply has to do with helping you get educated.

Just like us, men can have a tough time in the wild and wooly world of dating. How would you know their experience unless someone told you? So, if you agree there is value in knowing how “the other side” feels…read on!

The 6 FemiTypes are: The Princess, The 18 Year Old, The Scaredy Cat, The Wow-Me Woman, The Bitter Woman and The Sex Pot.

Today’s FemiType is The Wow-Me Woman.
She’s all about finding the one man who knocks her socks off. She’s convinced that the holy grail is that elusive “chemistry.” Without it, she hardly feels it’s necessary to give a guy any time or attention.
The Wow-Me Woman can’t define what she’s looking for but swears she will “know him when she sees him” (a common theme among FemiTypes).
Like the Princess, when it comes to her love life, emotions rule. The Wow-Me Woman is stuck in her 12-year-old self’s fantasy and guided by feelings and intuition. She firmly believes that one day her prince will come, they will lock eyes, and BANG…it will happen!

Swept off her feet

She wants to be swept off her feet. He needs to make her laugh, have charisma and charm and, upon first meeting, be able to carry on a conversation with her sans any silence. You know…the conversation just “needs to flow.” (Even though they’re meeting for the very first time and very few men have the skill of unbridled conversation.)

Overall, the Wow-Me Woman’s man needs to give her “that feeling.”  When I’m coaching her, she tells me: “It was amazing! I could tell right away that we had an amazing connection! I’ve been waiting so long to meet this guy!”  (I’m always tempted to reply, “How’s that instant connection thing working for you so far?”)

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for feeling a spark on the first date or two. But the Wow-Me Woman is so sure she has to feel the shazam-factor that she wouldn’t even recognize a small flame. She’s holding out for the blazing bonfire; and if it doesn’t happen right away, she’s not sticking around. She will snuff out the best of the best.

Anthony’s story

“I dated for a lot of years and met a ton of women. We’d have a good phone call and then we’d usually meet for coffee. A lot of them seemed to lose interest pretty quickly. I always felt like I was being tested. It was like: “Show me what you got!” And if I didn’t perform in the first 10 minutes, I could tell she would shut down. Like I disappointed her somehow.

I understand that I’m not Denzel Washington. But I’m educated, I have a good job, and I’m damn nice. And I was serious about finding The One. Apparently I was supposed to jump through some hoops to get their attention.

My wife didn’t fall in love with me instantly. But we liked each other, and after a few dates we knew we had potential. And we’ve ended up being a great team. She’s the greatest.

 I actually feel bad for those women. They’re probably all still single.”

Give a man a chance

You can probably imagine how it feels when you have to do some song and dance to get attention from someone you’re meeting for the first time.

Oh, wait…you don’t have to imagine, do you? You’ve probably felt like this with some of the men you’ve met. It’s like you have a few minutes to pass some test; and if you don’t, he’s essentially done.

Feels crappy, doesn’t it? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told by women how unfair it is that men don’t even give women a chance. Well, we can do the very same thing.

Anthony probably felt rejected each time this happened and, over the course of time, got angry. He was making an effort to meet women but getting judged by some unreasonable measurement. They were judging him on how good a date he was, not how good a potential partner he might make.

Anthony was right, by the way. Many Wow-Me Women stay single for a long time! I can say this as I was a member of that club.) They have probably had a lot of short-term, intense relationships (a.k.a. affairs) but no meaningful long-term ones.

Three scenarios

Here is how dating can go for the Wow-Me Woman: She dates and never meets men she likes. Then, once in a very long while, she meets someone and feels The Chemistry. They have an incredible first date. He could be The One! Then there are three scenarios:

Scenario #1)
They have a great first date and he never calls her again. In this case she apparently read it wrong. On one of my Man Panels, when asked about this phenomenon, a man once answered, “Well…it couldn’t have been that great of a date!”

Scenario #2)
He digs her too and, as a grownup guy looking for a life partner, he wants to learn more about her. He calls a few days later and asks her out again. But her intensity bowls him over. He can tell she’s already decided about him and latched on. That’s unimpressive, and he heads for the hills.

Scenario #3)
They have a great first date. He instantly starts texting and emailing, and they both jump in. They talk and/or see each other every day. She’s more and more convinced that her initial feeling was right on: he’s amaaaaazing! Then, relatively soon thereafter, he either disappears or explains that he’s just not ready for a relationship.

So let me break down this last scenario. The guy who jumps in so fast is a Wow-Me Man. He eventually realizes, though, that she’s not the woman he wants to marry. (Either that, or he doesn’t want to marry at all and just likes the feeling of being adored.) At the same speed he created the situation, he extricates himself. He knows he made a mistake.

Ignores the signs

The Wow-Me Woman, however, ignores any signs that he’s not a good match because she can’t bear to give up the fantasy. Once she’s wowed, no amount of contrary evidence can convince her they weren’t meant to be. She’s waited a long time for this, and she’s not about to give it up.

Even when it’s over – after one week or a few months – she can’t give up the dream of what might have been. She can’t figure out what went wrong because her fantasy is still too powerful. She holds on to her belief that they were great together. It’s just that he didn’t get it.

Unclear about what she wants in a man

Like The 18 Year Old, The Wow-Me Women is unclear on what she really wants in a man and thus can’t evaluate the almost-relationship realistically. Since she still thinks she had it right and he just didn’t know it, she will continue her pattern. She will reject man after man who doesn’t turn her on in search of her next hit of Shazam.

WOW-ME Rehab

Looking back at your experiences over the past several years, does any of the wow-me pattern seem familiar? If so, you know that it’s exhausting and sometimes depressing to live in a cycle of continuous disappointment and occasional Shazam.

If you don’t want to live feeling like this anymore, and you honestly want to find that special man to share your life…you can turn this around.

Generally after some time has passed, it becomes crystal clear that men you fell so hard for were nowhere near a good match for you. Take some time to review who the guys were that you “just knew” were right for you but turned out to be losers, jerks or just plain wrong. (A guy who disappears after a ton of texts and emails and a few dates – and especially after having sex – is a jerk. Period.)

How much energy did you expend on this guy? And how did this bad choice affect your dating experiences going forward? Did it create some mistrust of men (and maybe mistrust of yourself)?

An alternative

The grownup dater is clear on what she needs in a life partner. She knows exactly how she wants to feel when she’s with him, and she knows it takes a lot more than just excitement and Shazam to make a good partnership.

Learning the difference between a good date and a good mate is crucial not to drive your love life by fantasy and feelings alone

I recommend that your mantra as you meet men is DISCOVER, DON’T DECIDE. Give your intuition a holiday and tune into what your grownup woman is saying. If you find yourself getting swept away and can’t articulate why (except to say something like “He’s just so…awesome!”), then tap on the brakes for a while. He’ll still be there when the grownup part of you decides he’s got what it takes for you to be happy as partners.

Get clear

A lasting relationship with a good guy is more likely to begin when you’re clear about what you want, and you allow yourself to see him as a real person. Dump your checklist and judge him based on the real stuff. After all, you’re looking for a life partner, not just a good date. Life and love with a real man is so much better than chasing after an elusive fantasy.

in the next article we’ll talk about the “Bitter woman”.

Dating online? Regardless of your age, the most important thing you need to know…

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A recommended Workshop by Bobbi

So If you’re living in California (Or just a plane flight away) she’s  teaching her breakthrough workshop Mastering the art of magnetizing men on Memorial Day Weekend 2013 – May 25-26, 2013 in Los Angeles, CA. Click here to learn more and reserve your seat.