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Managing an Online Conversation

Having a great profile is crucial to finding good partners online — the sort of people you actually want to meet, date and see again. But it’s just the beginning. Having an effective profile, one that has an attractive picture and a well-written description, will help to make sure that you receive emails from people you want to hear from and that your own winks are answered.

They set up the first and most important step. But the second step — the one that leads to the date — involves writing the sort of messages that create curiosity and make clear that a face-to-face meeting is going to be the best way to answer those questions.

It’s usually men who make the first contact and it’s a good idea not to be too direct. A well-prepared profile will make a positive impression but it won’t tell the reader everything she wants to know. She should be interested but she’ll still have doubts. Move forward too quickly and she will simply step back.

A good first move then is to send an email — always better than a wink — that praises the profile and asks a question about one of the interests the profile describes. Asking about a book she’s mentioned is an easy one. Picking up on her love of scuba diving or horse riding is even better. It’s something that gets the conversation moving towards a destination rather than moves the destination — the date — into the conversation.

The reply too needs to be friendly rather than cautious. Answer any questions that were in the email and throw in one or two of your own. That’s how conversations work, especially when two strangers meet for the first time.

Ideally, after that first exchange, you’ll begin to get the feeling that email is just too clunky for the sort of conversation you want to have. That’s the best sign that you’re ready for a real date.

All of this though starts with a great profile, and creating that profile will always be your first move. LookBetterOnline’s profile photo packages begin at just $197 and can dramatically increase the number of emails you receive and the chances that your messages will be answered. Order yours here.

Got attitude?

If you are single and looking for a partner, you probably have attitude, but what is it? Are you positive, optimistic, and sure of a good result? Or are you jaded or self-protective? Frightened? Is “scared to death” too strong?

What you want, a plan to get there, and an attitude to match is vital for partnering success. Think about it: if you are sure that what you are doing won’t work, chances are very good that you will be right.

It’s like planning a trip to where you really don’t want to go, but it is the only route you know. Who wants to spend their vacation in the city dump? That’s just what you are deciding to do if you are saying things to yourself like “There are no good men out there,” or “Women are just looking for a fat wallet,” or “It’s not going to work, so why try?” You can be sure with those kinds of attitudes, you won’t find any good men, or will just find gold-digging women, or you won’t get anywhere at all.

Do you know how, when you suddenly become interested in something, you start noticing it everywhere? A few months ago, I got a sudden inspiration that I wanted a white convertible, right out of the blue. And then I started noticing convertibles. Never knew that there were so many of them around, but then again, I hadn’t been looking before. It’s the same way with those PT Cruisers — I think they are as cute as a button, and I notice them. I do not notice Cadillac’s or Chevrolets or BMW’s.

That’s the way it works with attitude and dating. You get a “destination” in your mind, where you are heading, and then, both consciously and unconsciously, you notice things and make choices that get you there. So it is very important, if you want success, to have success as your destination.

I am convinced, that for everyone who wants one, there is a perfect mate Out There. And, if you are looking, it is crucial for you to believe that too.

The question is where this person is, finding him or her, and how long it will take. Those are the real questions.

So can you believe? Can you adopt an attitude of bemused curiosity? Of wondering who your sweetheart will be and when and where he or she will manifest themselves? Of readying your life to accommodate sharing with another? Of hopeful expectancy? Of an opening to possibility and an acceptance of what is to come?

Just try your own Attitude Adjustment and see what happens.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Kathryn B. Lord c. 2003 All Rights Reserved

Online Dating is for freaks and wierdos

Once I began e-dating a friend of mine became a bit curious, and I suspect, concerned. She had her own preconceived notions about Internet dating. While I usually kept details of my dates to myself, this time I printed off the profile of someone I was going to meet that night and showed it to her. She read it and said, “This guy looks fun… oh look, you both like to do the same things… this guy would be great for you… and he’s cute…” She looked at me, “This guy seems perfectly normal” as if it surprised her.

Everyone knows there are nothing but freaks and weirdoes online, right? If you stop and think about it, the people that are online looking for a mate are regular, busy people who just haven’t bumped into Mr. or Mrs. Right yet. And if you can meet your mate at church or in a grocery store, why can’t you meet them on-line? I’ll tell you from personal experience that my husband and I found that we had hung out at the same places for years, and yet it took the World Wide Web for us to finally meet.

I maneuvered around the online dating world for approximately six months. I met a lot of wonderful, sweet, nice guys. In fact, I was very surprised at the number of great guys out there looking for the same things in life I was. None of us could believe we were doing online dating, and yet now that we’ve done it, we know it’s a great way to meet people and date successfully.

When I started Internet dating I was a marketing director for a large firm and I worked long hours. I had the kind of job that consumed me. Looking back, that was one of the reasons I had not yet met someone. Despite the fact that I loved what I did, I really did not have much of a personal life. Sure, I had friends, lots of them, but I also spent many evenings when I came home and was totally alone. I’ve always been very independent, but I realized it would be nice to have someone to talk to at the end of the day, to share my triumphs and my sorrows, and to one day start a family with. I realized that I wanted a relationship.

I had no false illusions of what having a relationship would mean. To the friend that told me a man would not make me happy I wanted to say, well no kidding. I was in my mid 30s and had a great life; of course I didn’t need a man in order to be happy. I had spent a lot of time on my own and it showed me I could do anything I wanted in life. I was a complete person before I started looking for a mate. And I think this is very important.

Don’t misunderstand me, I love my husband and getting married has transformed my life is so many wonderful ways I actually wake up each day and thank God for this gift. It’s better than I ever thought it could be. But before I met my husband, I took every opportunity to do exactly what I always wanted to do in life. I started working on a book of poetry; I went to college for the first time; I spent time with friends; I read; I painted. I had a strong faith. I never wanted to be one of those people that got married because they felt as if they were missing out on some part of their single life. I enjoyed my single life immensely. My husband and I both did exactly what we wanted when we were single, and we were both complete people when we met. Now, we are both independent, creative people who make the ultimate team. We are truly partners, friends, and lovers. My husband and I talk a lot about meeting the right person at the right time. He’s never met anyone he wanted to marry before me, and if someone would have told either one of us that we would meet our ideal person and marry just one year later, we would have probably laughed in their face. I never believed in the sappy stuff people talked about. I thought it was just an extension of pillow talk. When couples would tell me they “just knew” when they met the right person, I always rolled my eyes and thought they were crazy. But it’s true, I knew with him in a way I never knew with anyone else. He says the same thing; with me it was just different from the beginning.

Now I don’t tell you all this so you’ll think I’m just a sap who wants everyone in the world to get married. Au contraire. I firmly believe there are many people that have no business being married yet, let alone in a relationship. Be a complete person all on your own first. Be brave enough to spend some time by yourself to figure out exactly what you what. Don’t jump from relationship to relationship, and don’t be afraid to walk away from someone if it isn’t totally right. And for goodness sake don’t stay with someone because they are okay “for now.” If you stay in a relationship that isn’t quite right it is only keeping you from the one that is right. Wish them the best, mean it, and move on. Don’t stay with someone that isn’t right just because you think it will magically transform and turn around one day or because you are simply afraid to be alone. Look at it this way, the time you spend alone will help you figure out exactly what type of person would be great for you. And then when that person is finally right in front of you, you’ll know it. You deserve to be happy, not just “okay for now.”

With all that said you’re probably wondering if my e-dating adventure was all fun and games. Well… yes and no. Granted, I met more sweet and wonderful guys than I ever thought existed in the world. But I also met some real goofs. But hey – doesn’t that happen in the “normal” dating world as well?

Look at it this way, the more you date, and the more likely you will meet not only great people but also some not-so-great ones. Several years ago I met a guy (in a bar) that I went out on what I thought would be a fun date. We had planned lunch and then a ride on his boat, but when he picked me up he asked if I’d mind stopping by his house for a quick minute. He said he’d forgotten his jacket. Sure, I said. We walked in, not to his house (as he’d originally said) but to his parent’s house. Then he introduced me as, “This is the girl I told you about,” to his parents. After hearing the “oh, she’s lovely” comments from his parents I realized this guy was reading more into this date than I was. Thankfully we left and had lunch. Then we met up with two of his friends that were also dating. The four of us went out on his boat for a quick spin, and while my date was showing me the sites we could hear the sounds of his two friends madly making out behind us. I tried to give him my best “don’t even think about it” look, when suddenly my date said, “Uh oh.” It turns out the boat had run out of gas. We had to start rowing ourselves back towards the shore, until mercifully a rescue boat came to tow us in. When we got to shore my date acted as if this was the most normal thing ever, so when we docked and he asked me what I wanted to do next, I told him I wanted to go home. On the long drive back to my house he chatted non-stop about his life, and suddenly I heard a beeping sound coming from the car. He continued yakking away until I finally had to ask him what that sound was. He laughed sheepishly, then told me that was the warning sound because the car was about to run out of gas. That would make twice, on the same date. And this was someone I met all on my own.

So you see, you can meet odd people anywhere. The Internet isn’t exclusive to them. I should tell you that despite how awful my date with this man had turned out I was glad I went. At the time I had an on-again, off-again relationship and was seriously wondering if I could date someone else. I realized that despite how this date had went, there were plenty of people in the world looking for the right person, and I owed it to myself to move on from something that wasn’t a healthy situation.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

So you want them to see your inner beauty?

I detest having my picture taken so when it came time to put a picture on my profile I used two that I already had scanned in. This way, I reasoned, I didn’t have to pose for a new one. One of the pictures was my black and white health club ID (taken from a table top camera ? the angle of which made my nose look huge) and the other one was of me in a baseball hat taken from quite a distance away (so you really couldn’t see my face) and so small that there was no way you could blow it up and get a good look at me. When I showed my mom the two pictures she stared at them for a minute and then said, “So you want these guys to see your INNER beauty?”

Profiles with pictures get read and reviewed many more times than profiles without them. It may seem like a superficial thing at first, but most times you will scan through pictures to see which ones you are attracted to before you even read their profile. Pictures give you a sense of who the person is, and not just what they look like. With a picture you can get a “vibe” about the person, get a feel for if they are silly or serious, if they are a neat dresser or an outright slob.

Posting a picture on your profile is an important step, so don’t skip it. I would also recommend waiting until your picture is physically posted on the site before you start emailing people yourself. There are several reasons for this.

First of all, if you’re new to the online dating scene, you will immediately become more comfortable when you see pictures of others who are using the site as well. It gives you a sense that you are not alone in wanting to e-date. You’ll also get an idea of what types of people are out there to meet. While a picture is just a first step, an initial scan of potential dates should immediately put you at ease. You will likely find that the pictures on the site are of regular, seemingly nice, normal people ? like yourself. The first time one of my friends sent me a link to an online dating site I was struck by how many of the guys seemed like people I might meet anywhere. While this is exactly the case, the first time you are using the Internet to date it might seem odd that there are actual regular people behind those smiling photos.

Now, I’m in no way suggesting that you judge a person by his photo alone. My reason for bringing up the picture part of the process is that if seeing the photos of potential dates will put you at ease then that same line of thinking will apply to someone viewing your photo. Imagine reading a profile of someone that seems great, but has no photo. Doesn’t it put you off a bit? Doesn’t it make you feel as if that person is trying to hide something? Of course, that same thing will apply to your profile. Don’t think that someone is going to ask you out by picture alone, but give them the best presentation of yourself by including something they can visualize as they read about you.

Now, having said that, of course it goes without saying that you can’t judge someone by picture alone. But I’ll say this anyway. Use the pictures on someone’s profile as yet another method of finding out about them. They’ll help you get a feel for the person, and in Internet dating this is very important.

One of the emails I received was from a guy that seemed to have a great personality with his emails, but his pictures were not of someone I immediately found attractive. His hair looked fuzzy, he didn’t smile very wide, and he looked much older than his 30 years. Still, he looked like a regular, sweet guy, and he was very polite and funny via email. When we finally exchanged phone numbers he always called exactly when he said he would.

When we finally agreed to meet, I was surprised to find a great looking man in front of me. I was immediately attracted to him. The hair that looked so fuzzy on his picture actually had a nice curl that was shaped in a great cut. In person his smile was sincere and engaging. After spending some time with him I found that his sense of humor was terrific, and that slight smile would often come across as a very cute smirk. In person he looked exactly the age he was, and acted like a gracious and charming guy. We went out for quite a while, and although in the end he wasn’t the right one for me, I wished him the best and think of him fondly. And so it goes, pictures have a certain importance that goes along with the total package you will present to someone.

For the photo you will use on your profile, I would recommend having a friend take a picture of you with the intention of using it especially for your online account. If you don’t have the ability to get a digital picture taken many sites will scan a picture in for you; all you have to do is send it to them. Remember to smile, wear clothes you would normally wear (don’t dress up in an evening gown or a suit if you are normally a tee shirt and jeans person), and make sure the picture is a good likeness. You want to give the viewer a sense of who you are, and also give them a way to easily recognize you if you both decide to meet.

Pictures are an easy way to let someone know exactly what you might be like, so don’t even think about not putting a picture on your profile. I came across some people that wouldn’t put their picture on their profile but gave it “upon request.” This gives the impression that you are too good to put your photo out there, even though you yourself are probably emailing people with photos. I received a couple emails from guys that wanted to know all about me but didn’t have a photo on their profile. I told them that since they could see my pictures (albeit my bad ones) it was only fair that I should see theirs. Someone hiding their photos to me indicates they are hiding from something in general.

Make sure any photo you use is of just you and you alone. I noticed men more than women seemed to have photos with other people in them, and then would say something in the profile like, “I’m the guy in the middle.” One of the guys I corresponded with for a while had a picture with him and his entire family. He pointed out which one he was but I also found my eye wandering to the guy next to him ? his extremely handsome brother. Don’t make a viewer work to figure out which one you are.

Along the same line, do not just take a picture of you and your ex, cut your ex out, and post that as your profile photo. I came across several guys that had a wonderful picture of them happy and smiling and some lovely feminine arm cut out from around them. Tacky. On several cropped photos you could see the remnants of blonde hair from the female that had been cut out of the picture, and outfits that suggested a wedding or other type of special event. One guy even said the picture was of him and an ex but since they were great friends now he thought it was okay to keep the picture of them together in tact. This gave me the impression that if he can’t even separate himself in a photo how can he do that in a relationship. No matter how great you look in all those photos with your ex, don’t use them as your introduction to what could be a potential mate. Have a new picture taken of who you are now, when you’re ready to meet someone new.

Posting your picture with someone else is a bad idea in general, even if the person isn’t someone you used to date. One guy I came across posted a photo with him and three other female friends. This gave me the impression that he had only female friends (and therefore something was wrong with him), he was gay (and hadn’t figured that out yet), he couldn’t get along with guys (and so there was something wrong with him), or that he just couldn’t smile unless surrounded by breasts (and again, something was probably wrong with him.) Internet dating can lend itself to enough questions you might wonder about someone before you meet them, don’t add to it by complicating the present situation if you don’t need to. Keep all friends out of the photo ? no matter who they are.

Some guys I knew put a picture of themselves and a friend’s kid. Another bad idea. Hey, we get that you are trying to show the world how super cool you are and that you love kids, but posing with them just seems too obvious and desperate. Even if you have kids I wouldn’t recommend placing them in the photo with you. There will be plenty of time to have a new flame get acquainted with your children, don’t put them on display in your profile. Even when you’re just proud of your kids and want to show them off – don’t place them in the in the picture with you.

While I don’t have kids yet myself I was very open to dating someone that did. Still, one guy I dated had four very young kids, and while he mentioned this in his emails he did not put them all in the picture. I was glad he didn’t. I could not imagine me scanning through profiles and seeing him and all four kids in one photo. This would have admittedly put me off a bit, and I think I would have been intimidated by even the thought of dating someone with that many young ones. After we dated a while I got a chance to meet all of them, and found them all quite wonderful. He allowed me to get comfortable in our relationship first before even thinking about the prospect of becoming an instant step-mom to such a large brood.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Online Dating lie detecting

Did you know that Online Dating is the top moneymaker on the Web?

Chances are good that if you are single, you have joined a site or two yourself.  If so, you’ve probably asked my CyberRomance clients’ top question too:

“How can I tell if they are lying?”  Lot’s of ways!  Here goes:

First off, much of “the problem” of Internet lying is media overhype.  What kind of interest would there be in a story about all the honest people who are on the Net?

But of course some people do lie, and being concerned about who is and who isn’t lying makes a heck of a lot of sense.

Reasons people lie:

  • To avoid conflict.
  • To avoid the consequences of their behavior.
  • To postpone having to make changes in lifestyle.
  • To hide something they did or did not do.
  • To avoid rejection.
  • To be in control of a situation.
  • To avoid being embarrassed.
  • To make themselves appear more successful, good, or talented than they really are.

All make terrific reasons for people to lie online.

How to detect lying:

A truthful person will be “congruent.”    That means that all the information they give out — their words, body language, they way they live and dress, everything — fits together and contains no contradictions.  People who lie will be incongruent in some way.

Here’s what to watch out for:

1. How they use words: written, on the phone, or in person —

  • Talking faster or slower.
  • Changes in voice pitch.
  • Taking charge of conversation, attempts to distract you.
  • Continual denying of accusations.
  • Unusual voice fluctuations, word choice, sentence structure.
  • Stalling the conversation by repetitive use of pauses and comments like “um” or “you know.”
  • Lack of use of contractions.
  • Prefers emphasizing “not” when talking.
  • Being extremely defensive.
  • Saying “Trust me.”

2. How they behave or the attitudes they exhibit:

  • Being hesitant.
  • Nervous laughter.
  • Smugness.
  • Uncommon calmness.
  • Providing more information and specifics than is necessary or was asked for.
  • Inconsistencies in what is being shared.

3. In-person behavior clues:

  • Touching chin, covering the mouth, or rubbing brows.
  • Crossed arms or legs.
  • Pupils narrow.
  • Playing with hair.
  • Body language and facial expressions don’t match what is being said such as saying “no”, but nodding head up and down.
  • Avoidance of eye contact, eyes glancing to the right, staring past you or down, or turning away from you while
  • They are talking.
  • Rigid or fidgeting.
  • Slouching posture.
  • Unnatural or limited arm and hand movements.
  • Partial shrug.
  • Lack of finger pointing.
  • May place a barrier such as a desk or chair in front of self.
  • Sweating, even if it isn’t a warm day.
  • Saying “no” several times.

4. Your own inner cues:

  • You sense something is not right.
  • Explanations do not feel enough for you.
  • You feel confused, you find yourself squinting or angling your head.
  • You feel a block or a wall between you and the other.

In Internet dating, or any kind of dating for that matter, keep your anxiety down, your head attached, and LISTEN to everything your date tells you in every way. People tell you about themselves constantly, from the very first second of contact. You have to be willing to hear it. Not only do they tell you by what they do say, they tell you by what they don’t say.

Many of these cues can come from simple distraction or nervousness, not deceit. New daters have plenty of reasons to be anxious. Signs of lying differ from one person to another. Don’t let your own nervousness force a jump to wrong conclusions. Give your date a break and take some time.

Often, Cyber daters move too quickly to the phone and/or a face to face meeting. Gone is the golden opportunity to safely ask questions and study answers slowly and over time. Vastly increased are tension and anxiety, which complicate clear thinking and judgment.

With online dating, you have a tremendous advantage over meeting immediately flesh-to-flesh: You have a written record of what the other tells you. Make use of it! Take your time and get to know your potential Sweetheart the old-fashioned way — through writing!

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

5 Internet safety tips

Let these safety tips guide you through email, phone and live contacts

Let these safety tips guide you through email, phone and live contacts

While Internet dating can open many doors for daters, you need to be smart and safe when meeting people online. Use these 5 Net SMART safety tips to protect your privacy. Based on interviews with hundreds of active internet daters for my dating book, SMART Man Hunting (http://www.smartmanhunting.com), I developed these guidelines for you.

In addition to these interviews, I personally tested 7 online dating sites, ended up with 4-7 dates/week and found my guy through an online matchmaker. You can also find love online.

When you search for love online, you need to be careful because not everyone has the same value systems. Be cautious when dealing with strangers and take precautions to shield your privacy at all costs.

While the flood of emails that you will receive from Internet dating can be a great ego boost, let these safety tips guide you through email, phone and live contacts.

1. Be Anonymous When Emailing

When you set up your Internet dating profile, matchmaking web sites will give you an account that allows you to stay anonymous. Avoid using anything that could identify you when you select your username or email address.

Set up an email account that is fun and anonymous. For example, if you have an email with your name in it, then do not use this account for online dating. Just figure out any kind of fictitious name or “handle.” If you’d like, you can use an email address that reveals something about yourself such as a hobby or personal trivia. For example, my email address was tied to my interest in sailing (ex. pacificsails@hotmail.com). One of my male candidates used “greeneyes” as his username, which helped him stand out in the crowd.

2. Take a Second Look at the Photos

If you are suspicious about the age of a photo that you see on an Internet dating profile, you might want to ask the person for a recent photo. Check out the response and you might just be surprised by what comes back.

One of my dating coaching clients recently sent me two photos of a woman he met online with very different current versus profile photos. He was smart to ask for a recent photo.

I also interviewed a woman for SMART Man Hunting who had a surprising lunch with a guy who did not look anything like his profile photograph. The online photo made him look around 35 with dark hair, and when she went on the date, the guy was completely gray and closer to 50-years-old. You want to avoid this situation if possible.

3. SMART Phone Contact

After several safe email exchanges, you can cautiously move to the next Internet courtship level. Arrange time to speak on the phone and see if the conversation flows or is a struggle.

Because you are still dealing with a virtual stranger, you should use safety guidelines for connecting on the phone. First, if you are a woman, ask for the guy’s phone number and use Caller ID blocking (*67) when you call him so that your phone number is not revealed. You can even use Caller ID blocking on most cell phones so always try using *67 when placing first calls.

If you get to the point where you are comfortable giving out your phone number, use a cell phone or alternate number to your home phone. If someone is really creepy and has your home or work phone number, they can search for your address online using whitepages.com.

Trust your gut instincts when you talk to someone on the phone. If someone makes you feel the least bit uneasy or puts you off in any way, just say Next. It won’t get better if you meet in person. Remember there are plenty of other candidates out there. Next….

4. Continue to Put “Safety First” When Making Live Contact

When you decide to meet in person, pick a public place and make sure you are familiar with the area before you agree to the location (I skipped this research step and ended up meeting a guy in a restaurant that is in a Los Angeles gang neighborhood because I did not know the area – that mistake did not happen twice).

While you want to relax and have fun on your first date, you still need to play it safe. Meet your potential match at the rendezvous location–never rely on someone you don’t know for a ride. Don’t even accept a ride home even when you feel as though your date is on the up and up. If you drove, you also want to avoid allowing them to walk you to your car. It’s best to even keep the make, model and license plate of your car a secret.

My favorite meeting place is a local coffee shop, but not one too close to your home. If you schedule a lunch or dinner date, use valet parking when possible so that the candidate, who is primarily a stranger at this stage, cannot follow you to your car when you leave.

As a back-up plan, you may also want to give your date details (time, date and location) to a friend. If you are nervous, ask a friend to call you on your cell phone to check-in during the date.

Lastly, hold your cards close to your chest. Be careful about the amount of information you share during these first meetings and phone calls. Never give out your last name or address until you are comfortable with someone’s character.

5. Consider Background Checks

If you are curious, there are many ways to find out more about your potential mates. Internet search vehicles can help you find out details about candidates prior to meetings.

By searching on someone’s name online, you can easily gather information about their background. For example, if you use Google.com, you might find out about their educational degrees, work history, and personal information (I found out about someone’s marriage history and read a strange Valentine online from a guy’s ex-wife that made me think twice).

You can also click on the “Groups” button to learn more about their interests or check genealogy sites for family history. And if you get serious with someone you meet online, you can even go to the extreme of hiring a professional investigator to check out their history more thoroughly.

You can make love happen online and protect your privacy. You are playing the dating numbers game and the odds are in your favor that you will find your match. Be smart, safe and trust your gut instincts when dating online.

For more information about Internet dating tips or for coaching, check out Liz’s SMART Dating Packages on LookBetterOnline.com or pick up a copy of SMART Man Hunting (http://www.smartmanhunting.com)

Happy Hunting!

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

CyberCheapskates and net gold diggers

The ONLY people on these online dating sites who are emailing anyone are the ones who have paid!

The ONLY people on these online dating sites who are emailing anyone are the ones who have paid!

Did you know that  Match.com has around twelve million members, but only a million or so of those listed have paid their dues?

The most asked questions from Romance Clients?  “Why don’t they answer my emails?”  Well, first off, you don’t know and never will.  But it’s a pretty good guess is that this guy or lady is cheap.

If you have had much experience as an Internet dater, you’ve undoubtedly had the experience of putting out first email contacts to prospective Sweetheart and then gotten no answer back.  A response rate of 30% to first emails is considered good!

On Match.com as well as many of the other Internet dating sites, you can post a profile for free, but you have to pay to email other listers or respond to emails sent to you.

You can’t tell the payers from the freeloaders.  And people who aren’t paid members can’t email, either to contact you first, or to answer when you write.  That means that a very high percentage of those people you are carefully looking over are too cheap to pay less than a dollar a day to be able to email you!

Maybe that’s a lot of what’s behind the 30% who do get back to you.  They’re the only ones who are paid up!

Though I live now in Mississippi with my new husband Drew, I’m from Maine.  I still own a house there on a beautiful island in the mid-coast area, so I get back to visit once or twice a year.  Every spring, after the snow melts, all the debris that has accumulated over the winter along the roadsides gets exposed to the light of day.  And along with tulips and daffodils, up spring the “For Sale” signs.

For years I wondered about why so many houses came up for sale every spring.  Every other house seems to be on the market.

Finally, someone explained to me that lots of folks just put out those “For Sale” signs sort of for sport.  All the locals know that summer people are heading this way, and those “city folks” have very distorted ideas about fair property values.  So the sport is to put out a “For Sale” sign, ask a very inflated price, and see if anyone will bite.  If you’re lucky and catch a rich one, you just may be able to fund your retirement.  Otherwise, life goes on, you get to stay in your house, and then try again next year.  Sounds like a form of digging for gold to me.

Believe it or not, lots of people who are listed on dating sites are doing just that:  They put out their “For Sale” sign with their profile and look like they are seriously “in the market” for a Sweetheart.  Really, they have a way over-inflated idea of what they can get and are waiting to see if some fool will bite.  These folks have stuck out their “For Sale” sign, but they aren’t seriously looking.  Except for the jackpot.

In the Internet dating world, this is deceptive advertising in the worse way, because the reader has no way of knowing if the profiler they are interested in is really serious and a paid-up member or not.  The ONLY people on these online dating sites who are emailing anyone are the ones who have paid!  All the others are freeloading teases.

If you are considering CyberRomance or are already posted on a site or two, pay your dues like a grown-up.  Do your part to contribute to the energy and integrity of this wonderful resource for singles.  If there’s a time to “put your money where your mouth is,” this is it.  If you’re serious, pay up. If you’re not serious, stay out of the game.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Kathryn Lord ©  All Rights Reserved

How to flirt online: 3 success keys and 10 email enticers

Are you ready to jump into the online dating game? With 50 million active subscribers to dating services in the U.S., you just can’t overlook this opportunity if you are single.

Once you enter this wide web of daters, what can you write in emails to entice your top picks to share coffee talk with you? What are the secrets to flirting online?

When jumping online, use these 3 Online Flirting Success Keys and 10 Email Enticers that can help you get to first dates faster.

These advice tips are based on hundreds of interviews with active internet daters for my book, SMART Man Hunting -How to Get Out There, Get Dates, and Get Mr. Right (or Ms. Right).

3 Online Flirting Success Keys:

  1. Keep it Simple: Use light-hearted emails with an upbeat tone to attract dates online. A 40-something female painter shared, ” Make your responses simple and use easy questions in your emails to flirt.” There is no need for long emails either. A 42-year-old Accountant told me, “I can tell if I am interested in 3-4 sentences.”
  2. Humor is your Ally: A 35-year-old male film editor from Baltimore told me, “It depends on the person. You need to be able to read the person to tell what kind of humor you can get away with. Humor is definitely sexy and so is confidence because girls pick that up.”
  3. Hand out Compliments: One of the best ways to flirt online is to extend a sincere compliment. One 28-year-old Financial Analyst told me, “I always try to say something subtle, but sincere.” You might say to someone who plays the guitar, “I think it is awesome that you play guitar.” She added, “Be sincere and don’t throw out phony baloney.”

10 Email Enticers

Try these 10 Email Enticers that can help you ignite sparks online in your emails. Your goal should be to get a first date fast. Keep it light and inviting:

  1. Where did you get that fantastic smile?
  2. What is your favorite ice cream flavor and why?
  3. What is your favorite thing to do on a Sunday with a date for fun?
  4. What would you do if we got stuck in a snow storm in the mountains?
  5. If you were going to take me out for a romantic evening, what would we do?
  6. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why?
  7. What is your favorite romantic comedy movie? Why?
  8. How long have you been sailing? (ask about something in their profile).
  9. Wow, is that your cute golden retriever? (compliment something in their photograph).
  10. When are we going to meet to find out whether we would ever want to kiss each other? (Depending on the person, you can sound cute using this one)

Have some fun using humor and keep it simple when using these email enticers to flirt online. You will have better luck using levity and sincere compliments.

If your gut is not good, move on after a few email exchanges. You don’t want to spend too much time online because you really can’t gauge the chemistry until the first date. After three email exchanges, if a guy is not talking about a first date, just say Next!

For more internet dating advice, you can read about how to find the quality in the flood of emails, protect your privacy with safety tips and learn from he said/she said success stories in SMART Man Hunting.

Happy Hunting!

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Ten best ways to fail miserably at CyberRomance

Are you making those mistakes when dating online?

Are you making those mistakes when dating online?

1. Passivity. Just put your profile on a dating site and then do nothing. The older you are (over 35, especially for women), the gender you are (Men under 40, women over 40), the more obstacles you have that effect your marketability (too tall, too short, too heavy, not attractive enough, not enough hair, etc), the less likely it will be that your ideal someone will get in touch with you first.

2. Rudeness. Don’t answer emails of people who don’t meet your exact criteria. And if you do answer, do not be kind and/or polite in saying “no.”

3. Lying. About your age. About your marital status. About what you look like. The best way? Post an old photo or one that grossly exaggerates your looks.

4. Laziness. Rather than once a day, check your email only when you feel like it. Take your time replying to emails. Do not allow for time for thoughtful responses to potential Sweethearts. Don’t print off their profiles and emails. Don’t make any effort to remember their names or details of their lives.

5. Generalizations. Think and say and of the following as often as possible: “There are no good men out there. All men are interested in is one thing. All women want is a fat wallet. All the good ones are married. All the good ones are gay.” If that’s what you are looking for, that is what you will find.

6. Rigidity. Decide what you must have and be totally unwilling to change or deviate from perfection. Refuse to consider relocating. Insist on changing nothing in your life and that potential Sweethearts totally accommodate to you.

7. Negativity. Crab about the opposite sex or your ex-partner. Be gloomy, nasty, or critical. Complain about the restaurant, the waiter, the food, the weather. Reject and/or argue about every subject your partner brings up. Criticize anything he or she tries to do to please you.

8. Perfectionism. Put off looking for a Sweetheart until you lose ten pounds, get yourself in better shape, fix up your apartment, get a new job, or have your nose fixed. Insist that he or she be perfect, too, and reject anyone who is not.

9. Be unrealistic about what you have to offer and what you can expect in exchange. Overestimate what you can expect in a partner, for instance, somebody rich to rescue you from your own poor financial planning. Or only look for “arm candy,” a pretty or handsome other that will reflect positively on you — you hope. Or underestimate your personal assets, like kindness and stability, or his — loyalty and perseverance.

10. Ambivalence. Don’t get absolutely clear that having a life partner has top priority in your life. Have reservations about how much you are willing to reasonably do. Say that you want a relationship, but act as if you don’t. Thoroughly mix your messages and confuse everyone around you about your intent. Makes sure that nothing changes, and nothing will.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Kathryn Lord ©  All Rights Reserved

A shortage of single women?

The demographics have flipped, and single women are now in demand.

“How lovely to hear!” say the women, who remember too well growing up in the shadow of the 1986 Newsweek article that warned that a 40 year old female college grad had a better chance of getting hit by a terrorist than she did of marrying…

“But…but…how could this be?” say the dumbfounded 40-something men – the guys who opted to postpone marriage, who spent early adulthood chumming with their guy pals, in a dating frenzy, or in a series of non-committal relationships. Many of these men are now ready for the real thing… and are getting a rude wake-up call.

“There’s a new biological clock out there – the one ticking inside bachelors”, claims the article.

Hmmmm. Let’s ponder the statistics… back in the 1980’s, sites the Wall Street Journal, “there were about 1.3 women for every eligible man from 35 to 44. The odds were even better for the narrower group of men in their late 30s dating women in their early 30s: Almost two women for every single man.” Cockiness-inspiring odds, wouldn’t you say? The guys must have been happy.

But…now the shift. From 1955 to 1973 the birthrate dropped 40%. That means fewer girls were born, and given that American men have tended to prefer dating younger women, we begin to see the statistical problem. The Census Bureau’s Current Population Surveys show that “the percentage of 35- 44-year old bachelors almost tripled from 1980 to 2000.” Census reports indicate further that “by 2010 men in their late 30s and early 40s will outnumber women five to 10 years younger by two to one… and within nine years, there will be one woman that’s 30 to 34 for every two men 35 to 44, according to one set of projections by the U.S. Census.”

“OUCH!” Say the men.

So what’s going on out there as a result? Well, men are increasingly turning to personal ads and dating services – not that their odds are good there either – dating service membership bases have traditionally been male dominant, and with the demographic shift we now see shrinking pools of female advertisers in the newspaper personals and in dating service memberships. And, reports the WSJ, “Other men are going where experts say they need to – older women. When Match.com polled its members earlier this year, the company discovered that its average male client is now willing to date a woman three years his senior, up from two a few years ago. At It’s Just Lunch, men 35 to 43 are now asking to date women 36 to 40 – up about four years from a decade ago.”

So, what does Cupid’s Coach have to say about all this? Gentlemen…start your engines! For those men who are rigid in their preference for a younger woman, it’s going to be competitive. If you mean to be successful in your love search, you’d better have a strategic marketing plan, you’ll be wise to get a realistic assessment of your ‘Romantic Market Value’ and you’ll be sharpening your edge by broadening your scope.

Help is here, though. Book a session with me. Best way I know to jump start your love life and better your odds. And more good news – Cupid’s Coach was built by women for women – they’re flocking to us (80% by invitation and referral) and our Client base is, well, 60% female. You’re in good hands!

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!