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Sometimes it’s OK to forget “first date rules”

You’ve met someone online, you can’t wait to meet them and you want everything to go perfectly on your first date. Where should you choose to go?

Now some so called “Dating experts” say that you should follow “First date rules” and you shouldn’t invite your date to a Concerts, club, movie or sporting events as these events don’t allow the quiet time you need to get to know each other.

I agree to a certain point, the purpose of a first date is definitely to see if you and your date are well suited and if there’s any chemistry.

But let’s also not fall into the “first date rules” trap that a date is “all about deep conversations”, I’ve seen people meet for a quiet, romantic dinner date and this option can be overwhelming for some, it can seem forced and unnatural.

The key in planning a great first date is in thinking about the type of person you are dating…advice about avoiding noisy places or only going to clubs and movies after you’ve broken the ice and are comfortable in each others company are rules that work for some people and don’t work for others.

For example: If you meet someone online, email them a few times, chat with them on the telephone and find out that they’ve been waiting all year to watch a particular movie, then taking them to see this movie followed by a coffee or glass of wine shows them that you cared enough to listen to them and plan something special for them.

Forget all this nonsense about first dates being make-it-or-break-it time, relax a little, focus on the fun and know that you can let things unfold naturally if they are the right one for you.

And remember that words are not the only form of communication, If someone truly gets joy from dancing then is it wrong to take them to a club to dance the night away? Sometimes our actions speak louder than words. Do you need to spend hours in a quiet location asking them endless interview questions about who they are? Would you rather just relax, do something fun, and if a relationship develops then great and if not, well there are plenty more fish in the sea and hopefully you’ve had a nice time anyway!

My advice for a first date; Plan something special, fun and thoughtful and forget the “first date rules” that don’t serve you…

Dating online? The rule you can’t break…get great online dating photos

Having  great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great online dating photos we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Online Rejection: There’s No Such Thing!

Here’s what my friend Bobbi (Who just happens to be an online dating expert) has to say about online rejection.

“This is one skill I want you to master: Rejecting online rejection. Learning to accept rejection gracefully, with as few “dings” to your self-esteem as possible, is key to finding your true love.

As a dating coach, I’ve found the #1 reason you won’t have success online is giving up too soon. What you perceive as online rejection can exhaust you mentally and the positive attitude you started out with will quickly dwindle.

Here are 4 things to know to help you move forward in the online dating world with your self-esteem intact!

1) They don’t know you.

All a guy knows about you is 20 sentences and a crappy picture. If they don’t “pick” you, take a deep breath and remember: There are 1000 reasons a guy won’t be interested and most have nothing to do with YOU. They want a blonde, someone under 5’2″, someone who skis, someone without kids, etc… Better he NOT chose you and save you both heartache and disappointment later. And let’s be honest there are a myriad of reasons YOU reject guys online as well, you don’t know them and wouldn’t expect them to take it personally, right? (And believe me, they don’t). If you write 10 emails and hear back from 1 or 2 that’s good!

2) Let’s define rejection.

Let’s separate true rejection with online rejection;You have a right to cry in your wine if the guy you’ve been dating for 3 months, who has truly gotten to KNOW you, suddenly stops calling or breaks up with you. That is rejection. Some guy not responding to your “like” on Match doesn’t count as rejection – it counts as LIFE. Move on.

3) Men over 40 are like kids in a candy store.

Guys in their older years have the statistical advantage – there are more of us (women over 40 looking for love) and fewer of them (men over 40 doing the same). A lot of women are emailing the 60 year old man with a great head of hair, healthy, active life, etc.

Imagine it like this (I asked a client about this yesterday): “You meet a guy in Starbucks and after a very brief chat he takes your number and he never calls. Would this bother you?” I asked. “No”…she said “I’d figure he probably went off to live his busy life and, since he didn’t really know me, I just kind of dropped out of his mind, that wouldn’t bother me.” Well, imagine that he went home after Starbucks and there were 25 women waiting for him with open arms. Some even have candy for him and are wearing sexy outfits. That’s what it’s like for a guy online. Lots of choices. And we all know how easily men are distracted – especially by a pretty face.

4) Your age actually counts in your favor.

One advantage to being a woman over 40 is that you have the perspective of a life well lived. Instead of tapping into the insecure 18 year old who is biting her nails waiting for the phone to ring, you can “turn on” the confident, experienced woman who knows it’s a numbers game, it’s not personal, and all you need is 1 good man.

It takes time! I encourage you to meet as many guys as you can without losing your mind.

Mastering the art of accepting rejection gracefully will most certainly help you stay online long enough to find your true love. (Like I did!)”

The most important thing you need to know…get good dating profile pictures

Having  great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great online dating photos we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible

The online dating confessions of a nice guy: Part4

Welcome to part 4 of “The online dating confessions of a nice guy”, where I interview dating expert Phil Torcivia.

A man’s perspective on dating for women.

Here’s a man’s perspective on dating, in today’s discussion we will be talking about what exactly is love, how men choose women on dating websites, speed dating, getting out of unhealthy relationships and more.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…get great online dating photos

Having  great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great online dating photos we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

The online dating confessions of a nice guy: Part3

Welcome to part 3 of “The online dating confessions of a nice guy”, where I’m interviewing dating expert Phil Torcivia.

A man’s perspective on dating for women

Here’s a man’s perspective on dating,  In today’s discussion we will be talking about online dating websites, speed dating and more.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…get great online dating photos

Having  great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great online dating photos we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

The online dating confessions of a nice guy: Part2

Welcome to part 2 of “The online dating confessions of a nice guy”, where I’m interviewing dating expert Phil Torcivia.

A humorous struggle

As dating is a humorous struggle for Phil as he approaches his fifties he writes humorous essays about his experiences. Phil has a following of nearly 100,000 people (Mostly women who are interested about learning about dating from a man’s perspective).

In today’s discussion we will be talking about first date tips.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having  great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great online dating photos we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

The online dating confessions of a nice guy: Part1

Meet my new friend Phil Torcivia.

One relationship disaster away from a third cat.

Phil is a divorced guy, who in his words, “Transplanted himself from Pennsylvania into the treacherous dating pool in Southern California”. His feline companions, Syd and Symon, share his home in San Diego and an occasional dish of leftover tuna. Phil loves nothing better than bellying up to the bar with his favorite social lubrication (wine) and watching the bizarre mating rituals of the locals, which he translates into humorous essays. He has been single long enough to be involved in a few train-wrecks of his own, admitting that he’s “one relationship disaster away from a third cat.”

100,000 Women want to see things like a man!

What I found fascinating is that 34,306 people follow Phil on Facebook and 56,385 follow him on Twitter!
What makes nearly 100,000 people (mostly women between the ages of 30-50), follow Phil?

Women it seems often don’t understand men, so they read Phil’s blog to see things from a man’s perspective!

A fun interview

I thought it might be fun to interview Phil, and have some conversations about online dating, love and life.

Here’s part 1 of a few confessions of a nice guy; I hope you’ll enjoy his common sense, wisdom and humor!

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lixe2cOGyUs

Click Here  to buy Phil’s excellent,(and pretty funny) books

The most important thing you need to know…get good dating profile pictures

Having  great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great online dating photos we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

5 dating tips for women over 40

Dating tip 1: Get healthy.

Get toned and healthy; this will improve your self-confidence and overall health. When you look good you’ll feel good!

Dating tip 2: Wear the right clothes

Though you may not want to try to dress like a 20-year-old, dress to accentuate the body parts you are most proud of. Wear clothing that is appropriate for your body type and that makes you feel wonderful.

Dress to kill…for confidence.
I get asked by so many women what to wear for both photos and a first dates, and here’s what I tell them every time: It’s better to show up in last year’s clothes with this year’s confidence, than last year’s confidence and this year’s clothes. (and when you feel confident it will also show in your online dating photos and attract more people)

Think about it.
Confidence and sex appeal is about owning who you are.
Even if you have the most gorgeous Valentino dress, shoes by Jimmy Choo and half a million dollars’ worth of jewelry by Tiffany’s, if it doesn’t feel right or it just isn’t ‘you’ then it will never work, you’ll be uncomfortable and ill at ease — and nothing kills a date faster.  Find clothes that you feel confidence in you and you’ll be a knockout. Smart, successful men want to spend their time with women who are relaxed, confident and at ease.

Dating tip 3: Learn to listen.

Pay attention to the small details and remember them.  If you want to really impress him, bring up a small detail he mentioned on the last date.

Tip 4: Be discreet.

Don’t talk about past relationships and their details.  He may act like she wants to know, but he really doesn’t want to know.  Trust me on this one!

Dating tip 5: Relax.

The most important tip for women over 40 who are dating is simply to relax. Don’t compare the way you look now with the way you used to look ten or twenty years ago. Today you’re wiser and smarter and way less “needy” than many younger women, so enjoy yourself and shine.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great dating profile photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great profile pictureswe can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Online Dating: Is it OK to lie about your age?

Just yesterday I had an interesting email from a customer of mine, here’s what it said:

“Sorry to bother you. My true age is 65, I do look much younger than my age and I’m active. When I put 65 on the profile men “half in the grave” email me. Now I put 59.  I don’t feel really good about it, lying that is, what is your take?”

This article is my answer to her (I’ve changed her name for her privacy, let’s call her Anna)

A delightful woman

Anna is a delightful woman, a truly great catch for some lucky guy for sure. She has a charming character with a blend of intelligence, humor and humility (I had the good fortune to speak with her so I can confirm this) and yes, after looking at her online dating photos she definitely looks 10 years younger.

So what should she do? Her experience is one I’ve heard from many people: she’s tired of dating men who look old and tired compared to her. Should she lie about her age, or tell the whole truth?

The question here is simple:

Is it OK to bend the truth a little in your profile—or are you asking for trouble?

OK so she’s 65 but she knows she’ll probably get a lot more interest if she posts her age as 59.

Maybe you too have the same problem as Anna, perhaps you’re a 50-year-old who’s looked after themselves, who dresses in a stylish way, you like the latest music and aren’t ready to settle into old age quite yet. Would it really be so wrong to say your age was “45-ish”?

Age is an issue, no matter what age we are, online dating sites magnify this issue because we’re given the choice of selecting the characteristics we find important  in a partner and age is one of them.

Age is important because when we date online we’re using it as one of the criteria for picking a partner rather than the old school way of meeting someone we like, getting to know them and learning how old they are later.

In our modern society youth is associated with beauty, but it goes further~ in order for any relationship to succeed, partners need to have some shared interests and lifestyle plans.
These things often are age-related, for example there’s a huge difference between the goals of a 20 year old man to those of a 40-year-old woman.

3-5 Years older

It’s been said that online daters shave 3-5 years off their ages. And it’s also been said that 80% of online daters lie in their profiles – but  they leave clues that give them away.

Some examples

“I say I’m 37 because that’s approximately the age I’m looking for in my date. I’ve had way more emails since I changed my age. I told a white lie (I’m really 42), but the people I’m interested in, (the ones who really like me), are finding me”.

“I say I’m 3 years younger than I am—it’s closer to the age I look and feel. When I posted my real age, I got emails from guys who looked old enough to be my father. So I lied and changed it to 44 and now I get lots of attention. So far, no one has ever questioned my age!”

“Many people who’ve been tempted to lie about age online think it’s a big mistake because once you start lying, you’ll end up stuck in your own tangled web of lies! Imagine telling someone that you’re a certain age and then they ask you what year you graduated. Would you avoid the issue when you meet them on a date? And if the conversation moves in that direction then do you change the subject, keep lying, or tell the truth?

“Some people say you should lie about your age if you look younger and then at the first meeting, put the truth “on the table” as soon as possible. The opinion is as long as you confess quickly it’s not really lying.”

Hm…“As long as you confess quickly it’s not really lying.”   That’s stretching my definition of lying.

I’ve heard other people say that you can tell the truth once you’ve made a connection. The opinion here is that when you’ve connected, then hopefully he or she’s is less likely to be upset at your lie and walk away.

What choices do you have?

To summarize what I’ve just said you really only have 3 options:

Be honest about your age and don’t lie
Lie about your age and confess later
Lie about your age and never confess

Now I’m not here to moralize, just present choices for you to make as an adult.

I’d say that the idea of lying about your age and never telling a partner is not really an option that many people would chose! So for practical purposes we can narrow our three options down to just two choices: either be honest or Lie about your age and confess.

Being honest

Now if you swear that the evidence you shall give online, shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth then you may meet older people, and it may take longer to find someone (If you happen to look 10 years older).

Although you could argue that “beauty is only skin deep” and you’ll find someone like you who you are better suited to.

Lie about your age and confess when you can.

Let’s look at people’s responses to people who are lied to.

My personal opinion

I personally don’t care about age differences, but I do care about lies, if she tells me that she’s 45 and I find out she’s 50, then there’s clear evidence that she’ll lie to me about the small things if it suits her. And what else will she lie about? Will she lie about how much money she earns a year or anything else, this is someone posting purposely deceitful information to further their agenda. Also my belief is that if I want someone decent then I have to be decent myself and decent people don’t lie. Also to me someone who lies about their age comes across as “needy”, so I would walk away not just from the lie but from the neediness of the lie, insecurity about age to me is unattractive.

I looked online in many dating “forums” and found that there are a lot of people who share my opinion.

Two liars meet

During the date she asked me about the age of my children, then she went quiet and I felt like she was doing the math and would catch me in my lie, so I said I want to be honest with you. I’m not 50. I’m 57.”

She said, “Thank you.” It turns out that she’d lied, too. She claimed that she was 48, but she was really 50.

A more relaxed answer

“People lie about their age, it’s not important, if they look good who cares. If you reckon what’s written on profiles is the truth and nothing but the truth then you must live with the fairies.  All lies are not created equal. Some are harmless, some are harmful. Learn the difference.”

An unrepentant liar’s answer

“Always take ten years off your age. When you’re drunk and she asks you what year you were born you don’t have to deal with the math.”

“My 10-year strategy makes it a simple. Let’s say you were born in 1967. Plus ten is a simple 1977.”

No number of martinis can tear the logic off that one!

Also there’s another reason to stick to the 10-year rule: It’s better to look too old for 42 than young for 52.

Conclusion

I hope I’ve presented you with the facts to make the right choice for you. The most important thing is to do what you feel comfortable with and live with the consequences of our choices. If you lie and get caught then don’t go whining to anyone, accept that you screwed things up due to lack of honesty.

Another approach that just might work

Here’s an approach that worked for me. I looked at a woman’s profile and it went something like this (I changed a few details to protect her privacy)

“What can I say about myself? I’m a fun loving, funny, sarcastic French curvy woman who is family oriented, I love Sports, Reading, Dancing, Spending time with my Family and Friends, I have learned that real beauty lies beyond the outside exterior of a person. I’m looking for someone who will be my best friend, my partner and my lover, someone who actually sees me, respects me and accepts me. someone who is more than willing to give me my place in their life. I don’t like games or drama, so I need someone who is straight forward, honest and has the same values as I do. I’m the kind of person who is fiercely loyal, devoted to the ones I care about, and 100% faithful to the man in my life. PS. My True age is 47 I know that in my profile I said 42, as you can see I’m active, look much younger and take care of myself, I found that when I put 47 that I was meeting men who looked old enough to be my father!”

Now reading this would you have a problem? I certainly do not, its honest and if I liked her pictures and read a little more I would not feel lied to.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great profile photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

How to make online dating more fun

I asked friends and dating experts “The Amazing Clarks” for dating advice for people who an attractive online dating profile and can get dates but who are still in the process of finding the partner that they want. This is what they said:

“Be open!”

Usually when people go on online dates they become closed and guarded. They do this for a number of possible reasons:

  • They are afraid to make themselves vulnerable because they don’t want to get hurt.
  • They are afraid that they may say or reveal something that will turn their date off and scare them away.
  • They are just nervous and don’t know what to say or do.

Being closed and guarded is guaranteed to ensure that you’ll have a disappointing dating experience. You have to open up on dates. You have to be prepared to make yourself vulnerable.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having great  online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Finding the right date online (Part 2)

I always get good dating advice from friends and dating experts “The Amazing Clarks.” This week I turned to them again for some timeless dating wisdom. I asked them about the moment after the profile pic has worked. What should a single person do to turn a profile pic success into a beautiful relationship? They told me:

Be a great listener

Daters can be horrible listeners. Too often, they talk about themselves instead of giving space to the other person to talk. Or they judge what they hear instead of empathizing with it. Regardless of how good your profile pics are, that’s a guaranteed way to ensure that you’ll have a horrible online dating experience. It’s important for you to be communicative with your dates. But it’s equally important to be a great listener as well. After all, one of the main reasons for going on a date in the first place is for the two of you to get to know each other – not just for your date to get to know you.

Can you hear me now?

If your online dates become all about you, then you will definitely turn the other person off. You’ll bore them —and they won’t ask you back out on a second date.

An inability to listen to what others have to say is a huge red flag. It makes people think that you’re selfish and will become even more selfish once you’re in a committed relationship. (It doesn’t matter whether it’s true — that’s what they’ll think).  It’s enough to scare off any date.
If you find that you’re talking a lot more than you are listening, then you will be denying yourself the opportunity to discover whether the person opposite you is the person meant for you. You will miss out on their perspectives and their thoughts, the experience that could create a strong affinity and maybe even an amazing love connection.

So don’t check out on people. Make a real effort to hear what they are saying. Pick up on their verbal clues about who they are and what they want.

Below are some tips that can help:

Tips to help you become a great listener while online dating…

  • Tune in by facing your dates directly, giving them consistent eye contact and nodding to show you are listening.
  • Avoid the urge to think about what you are going to say next, and just be present.
  • We all want to be heard so extend that courtesy to your date and they will give you the same respect back.
  • Note their interest, their dreams, and desires, and ask about the things that you can see make your date feel good

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…Get good online dating photos

Having great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!