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The online dating confessions of a nice guy: Part1

Meet my new friend Phil Torcivia.

One relationship disaster away from a third cat.

Phil is a divorced guy, who in his words, “Transplanted himself from Pennsylvania into the treacherous dating pool in Southern California”. His feline companions, Syd and Symon, share his home in San Diego and an occasional dish of leftover tuna. Phil loves nothing better than bellying up to the bar with his favorite social lubrication (wine) and watching the bizarre mating rituals of the locals, which he translates into humorous essays. He has been single long enough to be involved in a few train-wrecks of his own, admitting that he’s “one relationship disaster away from a third cat.”

100,000 Women want to see things like a man!

What I found fascinating is that 34,306 people follow Phil on Facebook and 56,385 follow him on Twitter!
What makes nearly 100,000 people (mostly women between the ages of 30-50), follow Phil?

Women it seems often don’t understand men, so they read Phil’s blog to see things from a man’s perspective!

A fun interview

I thought it might be fun to interview Phil, and have some conversations about online dating, love and life.

Here’s part 1 of a few confessions of a nice guy; I hope you’ll enjoy his common sense, wisdom and humor!

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lixe2cOGyUs

Click Here  to buy Phil’s excellent,(and pretty funny) books

The most important thing you need to know…get good dating profile pictures

Having  great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great online dating photos we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

6 Signs that he’s really just not into you!

So ladies how do you know if he’s just not into you?
How do you know when it’s time to move on?

Sign 1: He says he’s just “Having fun”

If he says that he’s just “having fun,” then believe him and move on.
Many women who would dismiss this statement and keep chasing unavailable guys, these men will tell you outright that they don’t want to commit to you, but here you are, going out to dinner with him, enjoying late nights and telling to all your girlfriends what a great catch he is. The truth is- he doesn’t want a relationship and he just told you clearly. Don’t waste your time trying to convince him, his mind is already made up, save your time for someone who really cares about you.

Sign 2: He guards his cell phone when you’re around.

If your date takes his cell phone with him when he goes to the bathroom and always seems to leave the room when he gets calls, then you’re not being paranoid, if he has “phone issues” chances are, he’s hiding something  “sketchy”. The fact that he gets all defensive the moment you go near his phone or never answers the phone when you’re around then should be big red flags!

Sign 3: He won’t hold your hand.

Your dates are intimate, romantic and private, he loves to kiss you but he won’t even hold your hand in public?
Or perhaps you run into someone he knows and he introduces you as his “friend”.
Remember that you want to be with someone who’s proud to be with you~someone who wants his friends to see you with him.

Sign 4: He’s always busy at the weekends.

Unless your date works weekends, then this is a red flag.
Ok, so it’s normal for a guy to spend time on the weekends with the other guys, but if this happens more than a few times, then here’s another red flag!

Even if he tells you he’s a workaholic who gets out of work at midnight, don’t fall for it, don’t become his booty call, his backup plan. If he’s likes you, he’ll make you a top priority!

Sign5: He avoids introducing you to his friends and family.

If you’ve been dating him for more than six months and he always seems to have something happening when you mention your family or forgets to tell you his family is visiting then this is another red flag that he’s probably not into you!

A man who’s crazy about you will want his family and friends to know how great you are, too.

Sign6: He doesn’t return messages within 24 hours.

If your calls or texts aren’t getting answered within 24 hours then face it, he’s not into you.

When someone is a priority, you can easily find a minute to respond, even if it’s just to tell them that you’re busy and will call later

 

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great dating profile photos we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

What every woman needs to know to stay safe when dating online.

We’ve all heard stories about people meeting psychos online.

You may have heard about convicted killer-sicko Dustin Kendrik who met his victim online will now spend life without parole in prison. Or Phillip Markoff the “Craigslist Killer,” he was a medical student in Boston who met his victims via Craigslist.

Wow just writing this article is giving me the chills!

We all know that 99% of people are decent, loving people and while most of them won’t be your perfect match, they’re unlikely to be your murderer. But there are some odd people out there and it doesn’t hurt to be careful.

So how do you stay safe without being paranoid? what online dating safety tips do you need to hear?

How can you stay safe both before you meet someone and on a date too? I think with 7 simple rules you can certainly reduce your chances of meeting a madman (or woman).

  • Protect your identity and remain anonymous until you feel comfortable.
  • Send a few messages and speak with them before you meet.
  • Always meet in public.
  • Tell a friend & have their phone number.
  • Stay sober.
  • Drive yourself to and from the first meeting.
  • Consider a background check.

1. Protect your identity

Never, and I repeat never share your real name, phone number, email address, home address, place of work or any other identifying information while IMing or emailing your dream date until you have established a reasonable level of trust with the other person. And don’t post personal contact information in your profile.

2. Send a few messages and speak with them before you meet

Get to know the other person online before meeting them offline.

3. Always meet in public

While writing this article I found this blog online (I’ve changed the names to protect the guilty)

“I met this guy on an online dating website. He sent me a picture of himself and a message. I checked out his profile and I thought that he seemed interesting. Adam and I exchanged numbers and we have been chatting and talking over the phone as well as texting, I am totally smitten with him. His voice is so soothing and he is very good looking from the pictures he keeps sending me. Adam seems like a perfect guy for me and the reason we have not met up in person is because he stays like 2 hours away but he’s moving soon to my area. Adam is driving up this evening to have dinner with me. I am cooking him a spectacular dinner and I have been excited about it all week! There has been an anticipation building up in me sense the first time we spoke.

I wrote this blog because a lot of my friends and family thinks I am crazy for inviting a guy to my house that I have never met. I know that in the past internet dating has been frowned upon. You hear so many horror stories about how the female met the killer guy over the internet and he stalked her and cut her into little bitty pieces and spread her all around the USA”.

The blog goes on to say.

“And who’s to say that meeting someone at a bar is any safer or better than meeting them online….I am not a 18 year old anymore I am a grown ass woman! If I want to invite a complete stranger over make, love to him with the lights on and kick him out when I am done SO WHAT! I make my own choices. Now I will say again it has been 5 years since I have been dating I think the past 2 months that I am getting use to all the “newness” Only time will tell if I will find my prince charming…”

I really hope if you’re reading this that you agree with me that this blogger is crazy.

I don’t care how grown up or turned on you are~ Always and I mean always meet in public. Doing anything else is dumb and dangerous. And any good guy (or woman) will understand.

4. Tell a friend & have your phone

Do I need to say more than let a friend know that you’re going on a date at XYZ…

5. Stay sober

Common sense again. Do I need to say more?

6. Drive yourself to and from the first meeting

Don’t get into cars with strangers no matter how old you are.

Follow your feelings

Most importantly, if you ever feel any sort of instinct or “gut feeling” or whatever you call it, then follow that feeling.

Consider a background check

In addition to these simple 7 rules to survive, you may want to consider a background check.

To begin with Google your dates name to see if they are telling you the truth about who they are, and where they work. I’m amazed at the amount of information available to us online. And pay attention to the details. If your date is telling you that he’s an attorney in the city and he’s listed as a plumber living in a few miles away then you may have good reason to be suspicious. Sheila Turner from Backgroundcheck.org, recently published and sent me some every interesting information on background checks for internet daters.

Most of all have fun, and be safe.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

3 Dating Rules for women over 40

Online dating can be a big challenge if you are a woman and you are 40 years old or older.
USA today says that “Of almost 127 million Americans age 40 and over, more than a third are unattached (Divorced, widowed or never married).

Of these singles, more than 25 million are women, as you can imagine we’re seeing a surge in dating for women over 40.

For some online dating a scary journey

Many of these women say “I feel like I’m 19 years old again”, “I feel unprepared for dating after so many years of marriage” and  “I feel that I don’t know the rules of dating anymore since its changed so much since I was in my twenties”, and with a massive increase in online dating, new dating books and advice from the new gurus many of these women feel confused and at a loss for words.

So, here are some tips for those of you who are just getting out of a bad marriage and haven’t got a clue, the good news is that while many of the rules of dating have changed since the last time you dated that some of the important stuff about dating you learned is timeless!

Rule#1 Just because you’re 40 or over doesn’t mean you can’t have Fun!

Most people are dating online because they want to attract the love of their life and that’s great – but we recommend that you don’t make that your primary goal for online dating. Don’t get us wrong, we are confident that you will inevitably attract the love of your life but this is a process that has to unfold naturally and can take days, weeks, or months. The danger is, if you try to rush the process you’re almost guaranteed to have a horrible online dating experience.
If you are honestly having fun with the process, then you literally won’t care about or even notice how long it is taking to attract the person of your dreams. And ironically, you will actually be able to attract that special person much faster and much easier. So we strongly recommend that you take your time and have fun with your online dating experience. The next big question is, “who is responsible for your fun?”

Take responsibility for your own fun:

When you go on a date, odds are you believe it’s the other person’s responsibility to make sure that “you” have a good time (no pressure there…LOL). This is a very common perspective amongst most online daters, and it is also one of the most guaranteed ways to ensure that you’ll have a horrible dating experience.

Truth is; no one is responsible for you having fun except for you! This is one of the secrets that all successful online daters live by. They always take responsibility for their own fun, thus ensuring that they will always have a great dating experience, regardless if they have romantic chemistry with their date or not.

By taking responsibility for your own fun you will also take the pressure off of your date – and you will inspire them to take responsibility for their own fun as well. This will dramatically increase your odds of getting a second date that may eventually turn into a love connection. But once again, even if there is no romantic chemistry you will both still walk away feeling great and thinking “wow, I had a really great time. Below are tips that can help you create your own fun while dating online.

Tips to creating your own fun while online dating…

  • Make sure that you are in a fun, upbeat and positive mood before you show up for your date.
  • In the beginning of the date let the other person know that you want to have fun – and agree to only talk about fun, positive and uplifting topics.
  • Even if there is no romantic chemistry with your date, find things to appreciate like; your surroundings, your food, your dates cologne or perfume, etc.

 

Rule#2 You are probably more comfortable in your own skin than your younger counterparts

Self confidence in a woman is a big turn on, most men appreciate a woman who is not a shrinking violet, so show confidence, you are probably more comfortable in your own skin than your younger counterparts.. Don’t be afraid to let your humor and intelligence show.

And don’t think “How in the world am I going to compete with some “Perky-boobed 24-year-old”, yes, some men are looking for younger women. But those are not the ones you want
to date. And Besides, trying to look or act younger than you are looks and feels needy, remember unlike “Pert-boobed-Barbie” You know who you are and as a woman over 40 you’re not looking for a man to define you.
Also you’re also probably more comfortable with sex than many young women are (women in their 40s have far fewer hang-ups about sex)

Rule#3 Just because you’re 40 or over doesn’t mean you can’t be open!

When many people over 40 go on online dates their natural tendency is to go into it being very closed and guarded, this is often the case for nervous people who’ve just got back in the dating game after years of marriage!. They do this for a number of reasons; sometimes they are afraid to make themselves vulnerable because they don’t want to get hurt again after a painful divorce; sometimes they are afraid that they may say or reveal something that will turn their date off and scare them away; and sometimes they are just nervous and don’t know what to say or do. Being closed and guarded is also one of the most guaranteed ways to ensure that you’ll have a disappointing dating experience no matter what your age is. If you want to have a wonderful and successful online dating experience that you must open up and make yourself vulnerable on dates. (and yes I did say vulnerable!)

Think of yourself as a wonderful and entertaining book with pages and pages of interesting experiences, ideas, and dreams. But if you only show your date the cover of your book and prevent them from experiencing the wonderful content inside… they will get bored and put you back on the shelf.

And if you don’t let them read your book, than odds are they will not reveal the inside of their wonderful book to you either… and they will get bored and put you back on the shelf as well. Everybody loses!

When you are on an date don’t be afraid to open up and make yourself vulnerable. Let your date see what’s inside of you and show him / her who you really are right from the beginning. Don’t pretend to be someone you are not and don’t try to be politically correct. Be genuine, be yourself, and be an open book.

When you are your authentic self that’s when you are the most fun to yourself… as well as to others. This will make your date feel at ease and will encourage them to be their authentic self as well. And even if there is no romantic chemistry between you and your date, at least you will both still have an enjoyable time.

What if they don’t like your book?

If you make yourself open & vulnerable and your date dislikes what they see than don’t take it personally. That simply means that they are not the one for you, and that’s okay. Continue to make yourself open & vulnerable because it’s only a matter of time before you attract online dates that will love and appreciate the authentic you (including your Mr. / Mrs. Right.). And trust us you’ll be glad you did. Below are a few tips that can help:

Tips to help you remain open when online dating…

  • Remember that you are being open in-order to ensure that you can be yourself and have a good time.
  • If your date is not into you that’s okay, because you would not have been a good match anyway (they did you a favor).
  • If you open up you will inspire your date to do the same.
  • Remaining open will enable your perfect partner to be able to immediately identify and find you.

Online dating? The most important thing you need to know…

Having great profile photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

 

 

Dating: Do opposites attract?

Hi Everyone, hope you had a great weekend,

Here’s a video that made me laugh…inappropriate YES, but funny~ perhaps its my “odd English” sense of humor, (so please don’t watch it if you’re easily  offended) and as you know I believe the more we can laugh about dating the less stressful and more fun it becomes!

I laughed when in the video I heard the words “We have chemistry here-did you feel it?”

Chemistry and attraction have long been subjects of much interest in dating, while we feel any “chemistry” its still individual and isn’t completely understood by scientists

So what about attraction? an dating question often asked is Do opposites attract?

When dating opposites often certainly attract! in the long haul though with some people constant arguments can destroy a relationship unless you are both open to change. One may chase the other away in their fight to get them to see their never ending point of view.

Dating people with too many similarities face the same dilemma in relationships and can come to a point where the boredom factor sets in and people are bored to tears with the sameness of the relationship and their partner. No one wishes to marry or go out with a parrot where every move is a foregone conclusion.

So what’s the best way to ensure that couple survives? well the reality is there isn’t a best way, just “Your best way”! for me a healthy balance of differences and similarities.

No sitting on the fence here…those who have this balance seem to fare well in their relationships and they are never boring or have the feeling that the opposition is to great to bear.

Balance…in all things may be the  key to happiness…

 

 

 

 

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

 

Avoiding online pseudo intimacy

If you had initially met someone in person prior to becoming geographically separated, then you would have some foundation from which to build your relationship by staying in contact virtually. However, if you instead met someone online first, then you need to be aware of the potential that dating virtually, i.e., via the internet and telephone only, can lead to the creation of a “pseudo-intimacy.” So here are a few tips to help you get the most out of virtual dating prior to meeting in person.

After exchanging a few emails to determine if you want to pursue the relationship, I suggest that you graduate to talking on the telephone pretty quickly. Once you feel the relationship is progressing, it’s important that you discuss when you’re going to meet in person.

If meeting in person isn’t possible for a number of weeks or months, then I suggest that you make a schedule as to when, and for how long, you’ll talk on the phone. You can supplement your phone calls with email or instant messaging, as well as with snail (postal) mail. Attempt to discuss current events, rather than “what it’ll be like when we’re together,” or bemoaning your separate geographical fate. Creating and maintaining this type of structure over your virtual contact should help you to feel more in control and comfortable in a situation where there really is no structure.

Now I can better explain what I mean when I say that dating virtually can lead to a “pseudo-intimacy.” If you haven’t met in person, it’s difficult to know if the chemistry you feel over the phone has any basis in reality. After all, you really only have a picture and voice to go on! Unfortunately, the internet and the telephone lend themselves to create environments where it is easier to let down your defenses, and say things without knowing how your message “lands” on another person.

My advice to singles who meet virtually is to ALWAYS do whatever it takes to meet in person, and as soon as possible. This way, you give your feelings a chance to “check in” with your dating partner in the real world, which is where you’re going to live together eventually anyway, right?!

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Trick or treat – Is this Make-Believe or real thing?

“I’ll call you this week”. “Yes, I’d love to see you again”. “I had a great time”. “I’m not interested in dating anyone else”. “I think I’m falling in love with you.”

These are a few of the phrases passed between singles as they move through the stages of meeting and dating. At the time, they are uttered with what feels like true emotion and honesty. No wonder the person they are directed to is so confused when the call never comes, the person becomes unavailable, or it soon becomes evident that the speaker is dating or deeply involved with someone else. Can we ever believe what we see or hear? How can we be sure?

Dating is a process of getting to know someone. It begins with an attraction, which is formed by that first impression. Often, this first meeting occurs by chance at a social gathering, at work or in the course of one’s daily life. More and more, it happens through a response to a personal ad and the emailing and phone calls that follow. Both in-person and email or voice contact give us a sense of the other individual- but this is only a brief snapshot of who they may be. It takes real time together to create a larger and clearer picture of this other person and their rightness or wrongness for us. During this time we assess for friendship, attraction, shared interests and values, and a willingness and ability on the part of both individuals to move forward in a relationship.

Given that this is a process, it has stages. A first date helps the couple to learn more. It is a fact-finding experience, which involves not only the information the other provides, but our feelings and reactions to it and to them as a potential partner. We show our best selves and attempt to make an appropriate connection with someone we find desirable. In the best scenario, everything clicks for both people and conversation is natural and easy. More often, there may be questions, doubts, and/or mixed feelings. Seeing each other again is often suggested by one or both people and is a good way to learn more about each other and resolve any questions. But the doubts and negative feelings go unstated in a desire to either give the other person a chance or to let them down easily. It’s also an easy way out for someone who is uncomfortable with this level of emotional honesty.

So, how do we know what the other person is truly feeling? You have several options for getting this information.

  • You take them at their word and wait to see if they follow through with what they have said they would do. Nothing speaks louder than behavior. This option is the most common choice and can leave you in that all too familiar holding and wondering pattern.
  • You attempt to address the situation openly and candidly. This one requires a bit of courage and an ability to be vulnerable. State how you are feeling in a thoughtful but honest way. Ask them to do the same for you. Let them know that you want to hear their honest thoughts about how the date went and if they would like to get together again.
  • The third option should be used regardless of what you do with the other two. Pay attention to their non-verbal communication. How do they look at you? What quiet responses do you get after you have shared something about yourself? What do you see in their facial reaction, posture and eyes? Do you FEEL interest or just politeness? Are they really WITH you, or somewhere else? If you learn to listen to the non-verbal language, you will HEAR much more than what their words have to say.

Listening to the whole person applies throughout the stages of dating and relationships. It is also important during this time to pay attention to their behavior and note inconsistencies or mixed messages. Too often people don’t and are stunned when a relationship “suddenly” ends or they find out they are seeing someone who was not the person they thought they were. Trust your instincts and listen “with a third ear”.

Remember also that the responsibility for honesty is also on you. Don’t say what you think the other person wants to hear because you don’t want to be impolite or hurt their feelings. If you really think about it, it is more hurtful and in poor taste to be dishonest with someone who has a true interest and is trying to learn yours.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Tips for becoming fluent in the non-verbal language of dating

We are all too familiar with the term “body language”. There have been books, workshops and endless discussions spawned by it. But do you really KNOW how to interpret the non-verbal messages that other people broadcast on a continual basis in their interactions with you? There are two levels of communication that occur in any interaction:

  • content
  • process

Content refers to what we SAY. Process refers to EVERYTHING ELSE that occurs.

Interactions can be wrought with mixed signals- saying one thing and non-verbally communicating another.

No wonder so many singles report confusion regarding what their date was really thinking or feeling. On the surface, understanding this language can seem very difficult, if not impossible. Not so, if you learn to speak the non-verbal language of process.

The following tips will be presented using examples of naturally (and commonly) reported dating scenarios experienced by singles.

1. Good eye contact/ poor eye contact

When you are sitting and talking with your date, do you notice how they look at you, when you or they are speaking? When their eye contact is good, this is a sign that they feel comfortable and interested in you. They are really involved in the interaction and want to be there. It also communicates honesty and sincerity. Conversely, when your date has difficulty making eye contact, this communicates discomfort; lack of interest or it could be extreme shyness. The last would be easy to know if they are a shy person in general.

2. Restlessness

Have you ever experienced the restless date? You know the one. He moves around in his chair, she looks at her watch, and his mind seems somewhere else. He may or may not offer an explanation. What appears to be going on is that her mind IS somewhere else. This behavior communicates a lack of interest or a preoccupation with someone or somewhere else.

3. Looking around at others a lot and not at you

Have you ever had the unpleasant experience of being out with someone who watches the crowd the whole time? Perhaps, they just glance furtively (and frequently) around the room? This, of course, signals lack of interest, possible discomfort and a desire to avoid interaction with you. It can also be a general sign of someone who is not trustworthy, or at the very least, hasn’t been completely honest/ candid with you.

4. Is noticeably quiet

Oh, how deafening is silence. It can speak volumes.

If your date has little to say to you what does this mean?

Maybe they are just not very interested in you.

Perhaps they don’t think you would care to hear what they have to say.

Maybe they think you wouldn’t appreciate hearing what they are really thinking.

Perhaps they are in an off or sour mood.

Only you can interpret this. Be careful not to quickly write it off to something you want it to be, as opposed to what it really is.

5. Stiffening or closed-in body posture

You know what YOU do in uncomfortable situations.

You fold your arms tightly across your chest.

You stiffen your spine.

You tightly cross your legs.

You turn your body at an angle away from the person you are facing.

You lean away from the person you are with.

Of course, the reverse is true when the interaction feels good.

You lean forward.

Your arms are relaxed or laying open to the person.

You face the other person directly.

Your posture is relaxed and at ease.

It’s fairly easy to interpret the closed-in posture.

The other person feels uncomfortable.

They aren’t open to the interaction with you.

They would rather not be there.

If this is a first date, it will probably be the last.

6. Physical Contact

Perhaps the easiest communication to read correctly is that of touch. If your date avoids taking your hand or putting his arm around you he may be uncomfortable or unsure. He may also be shy, but you would already know that.

If someone you have been dating for a while begins to exhibit changes in their level of eye contact, body posture, attention to you, availability and/or becomes restless or less communicative, pay attention. Their feelings have shifted. Be careful not to be too quick to explain it away. More than one occurrence should set off your silent alarm. Make sure that what they say matches what they don’t say.

Other (non-verbal) expressions that you should listen to that can suddenly occur during the course of a dating relationship are:

  • Calling less or not calling
  • Change in voice tone
  • Becoming busy and not having time to get together
  • Lateness
  • Missing dates without calling or having a plausible excuse
  • Moodiness- irritation/impatience/anger outbursts

If your date or boyfriend/girlfriend sends you any of the above (negative) signals, the best way to handle it is to comment in a direct (and gentle) way about it. Then watch for what he/she DOES while you listen to their response. This will give you all the information you need.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

The Metrosexual Man vs The Cowboy – What do women want?

He always looks perfectly put together. He can be in a t-shirt and jeans or heading out to a black-tie event. His hair never has a bad day. His nails are clean and buffed. His clothes are perfectly pressed and exquisitely coordinated. He smells like flowers and spice. Is he gay? No, he’s the new metrosexual man.

As many of you know by now, the term “metrosexual” was coined by a journalist (and gay man) named Mark Simpson, to describe a new kind of urban male who is straight, but in touch with his feminine side and not afraid to show it. Essentially, metrosexuals are guys who take on behaviors and show an interest in things that have traditionally belonged in the female domain.

You may have a metrosexual brother, male friend or boyfriend (ex). These are the guys you can shop till you drop with. They can discuss fashion, will notice your great new shoes, buy their grooming products from the same places you do and have no qualms about having a manicure, pedicure or facial. You can actually TALK to these guys about something other than sports, cars and other traditionally male interests. These are the guys you can take to the opera, symphony and ballet. The perfect man, right? Depends on whom you talk to.

Let’s step back a minute and look at the where and how of the existence of the metrosexual man. Simply put, he is a by-product of feminism and the changing roles and related expectations of women. As women have moved into (previously) male dominated environments and roles, it has caused a shift in the male-female balance. Women are now active participants in industry, politics and the professions- to name a few. However, as they have left their old jobs as homemakers and full-time domestic caregivers, they left a lot of empty space to be filled. Childcare providers and the domestic cleaning industry could provide some of this. The problem was all the “other” stuff women had always done.

Men were therefore called upon to contribute more to the raising of children, housework, cooking, shopping, etc. Their sons were being exposed a new role model, a dad who took on jobs and chores that had traditionally belonged to mom. Young boys themselves were also being tapped to do housework and help with siblings, exposing them to a new way of being a male in our society. Women had become more independent and financially and professionally successful. Men had become more domestic and had to soften their style as they moved into more traditionally feminine roles.

A new social order had evolved that worked for everyone, right? Not necessarily. We never take on something new without giving something up. So, what has been discarded? Clearly defined social roles and the expectations that come with them- for starters. Suddenly there was a new blueprint for how men and women should relate- especially in the world of dating. However, it was unclear and depending upon whom you asked, you would get a different answer. Usher in the confusion and frustration surrounding dating in the new millennium.

Women ask questions such as:

  • who asks who out
  • who calls who
  • who pays
  • who makes decisions about where to go, etc.
  • What are the expectations at the end of the date
  • how soon should we become intimate

Women comment on:

  • his lack of initiative in calling or asking her out
  • his expectation that they will go dutch
  • how he never offers to pick her up
  • his overall lack of assertiveness
  • his saying he will call, but not following through
  • his too polished style which lacks a certain spark of masculinity
  • his taking longer to get ready than she does
  • his crudeness or over aggressive style
  • his expectation that they will have sex

Men ask questions such as:

  • what do women want
  • why should a guy have to ask a girl out
  • why should the guy always pay
  • why do women say they want sensitivity, etc., but see guys like that as wimps
  • why do women give out such mixed signals in general
  • why do women seem to reject nice guys and go for jerks
  • why can’t a woman be the aggressor

Men comment on:

  • women acting spoiled
  • women wanting their independence, etc. but not wanting equal responsibility and weight
  • women expecting a lot from men, but offering little in return
  • women not knowing what they want
  • women playing games
  • women’s attraction to “bad boys”

Both women and men verbalize that they are okay with the current roles that have evolved for them in our society, yet I hear both talk wistfully about how it was in previous generations. Back then; everyone KNEW what was expected from him or her. Life was predictable. Dating was much simpler and “safer”. Men were men and women were raised to be wives and homemakers.

We have gained something and we have lost something. One thing for sure, we can never have it both ways.

What’s the answer? It is never simple. However, it does involve better communication in general between men and women. Singles need to clarify for themselves (first), what kind of partner they seek and what their expectations from a relationship really are. Once a person is clear about what they must have and what they can’t live with, they need to go out and HONESTLY seek that. Knowing what you want is good. If you turn off someone by your frankness, he/she was not the someone for you.

So, begin with a self-assessment. Then go out and pursue interests and environments, which maximize your chances of meeting compatible singles. And remember, there is no perfect person. He may be overly fussy with his hair, take longer in the bathroom than most women, be less ambitious in his work life than you are and put your cooking to shame. However, if he’s sensitive to YOUR needs, easy to talk to and fun to be with, great with kids and very supportive of your goals, he may be the guy of your dreams.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Making the connection – Tips for getting noticed

Chances are that you have had a wide variety of experiences in your quest for meeting singles. These can range from an event that yields several nice interactions and at least one offer to get together for a date, to going home feeling frustrated and convinced you are destined to be a dating failure.

If you had made a note of your mood, your general attitude, your level of comfort, (and other related factors) after each experience, you would have some very useful information. For the attributes you carry along with you to these social gatherings will have a great impact on the outcome of each.

The following are tips for helping you to present the best you to others. As you read each, do a quick inventory of how you rate in that area. It’s always helpful to ask friends to weigh in with their observations. The more information, the better.

1. Present yourself as confident and in possession of a healthy self-esteem.

In general, people are attracted to those who appear confident and who feel good about themselves. Certainly, this is a turn-on for you as well. If you feel desirable and sexy, it makes sense that others will too.

If low self-esteem is a problem for you, this should be the first area you work on in yourself. It is not necessary to have over the top confidence, just a sense that you are someone that has a lot of positives to offer others.

Do some reading, take a class that teaches assertiveness and/or practice daily affirmations. Remember also that when you treat yourself with respect and adhere to healthy boundaries with others, you will foster a healthy sense of self.

2. Be Yourself

NEVER try to be someone you are not. Not only do you come across as insincere, you also will present as uncomfortable and make others feel this way right along with you.

Trying to be cool, aggressive, (etc.), generally just makes you awkward and unapproachable. Relax, be natural, be the you that your friends and others who know and like you, see and appreciate.

Think back to the times you have witnessed someone “acting” in a social situation, and the general reaction of those around them. Then think about the people you know who are good at meeting others. These are the people who present their true (best) side.

3. Smile and Show Enthusiasm

Certainly you have encountered strangers who were sullen and appeared negative and unapproachable. A smile can change all that.

Have an open and inviting expression. Make good eye contact. People are DRAWN to others like this. Let that attractive stranger know you are open to meeting them and happy to be there. If they have an interest back, this will pave the way for a first interaction.

If you don’t feel like smiling it may be a good idea to sit this one out at home with a movie or a good book or a low-key get together with a good friend.

4. Present Your Best Appearance

Always make your best effort in your grooming and choice of clothing. Attractive is just that. It’s not about having beautiful features or a fantastic body. It’s all about presenting what you have in the best light possible.

This also includes presenting an attractive personality. Be friendly, not pushy. Be open, not indiscreet. Have opinions, don’t be a know-it-all. Always remember to consider others’ feelings and needs. These interactions are not just about you.

5. Have Some Good Openings Lines Available

Hint: Natural conversation is best.

Some possible ones to consider:

  • Do you know so and so?
  • I noticed you were enjoying the music a lot, isn’t this a great band?
  • Your drink looks good- what is it?
  • I noticed you standing here alone and thought you may want some company.

Of course, the direct approach is ok too.

  • Hi, I’m so and so, what is your name?

Remember that there are no rules anymore about who goes first. If you see someone who interests you, go for it. Just remember that they may not return your feelings. Then you move away gracefully, look around for someone else that attracts you, and make an overture towards them.

Also remember that rejection is part of the process. If you let the fear keep you from taking that first step, you will greatly lessen your chances of meeting and connecting with compatible singles.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!