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When should I have sex with him for the first time?

Evan Marc Katz is one of the Big hitters of the Dating Industry…a “personal trainer for smart, strong, successful women,” dating coach Evan has been helping singles find love for over a decade! Dozens of his clients have gotten married, started families, and found happiness.

It’s an unlikely career for a man – much less a man who was called a “Serial dater” by CNN – yet that’s what makes Katz such a unique coach.

Helping women understand Men

By helping women understand men – what they think, how they act, and what they really want – he empowers them to make healthy, informed choices in love. To learn more about Evan click here

When it comes to the dating game many women often ask the question “When Should I Have Sex With Him For the First Time?”

An Expert Answer

Here’s Evan’s expert answer:

In the latest “Water is wet; News at 11? report, the Journal of Sex Research reports that – get this – having sex too early in a relationship is a bad idea. Shocking, I know.

And before thou dost protest too much because you’re the happily married woman who hopped into bed and are still in love 30 years later?

Chill. You’re the exception. Here’s the rule:

“Investigators surveyed roughly 11,000 people on when a couple first got frisky. Compared to couples who had sex before they started dating or during the first three weeks of their relationship, those who waited actually rated their current relationship as more satisfying and more stable. They also reported greater levels of positive communication.”

“Sexclusivity”: don’t sleep with a guy until he’s your boyfriend.

Wait for it!

You mean sleeping with an attractive stranger you’ve known for 3 hours and hoping that you’re compatible in the long run is a bad idea? REALLY?

“There is compelling evidence that waiting to have sex until later in the relationship is associated with better relationship dynamics and outcomes,” says study co-author Brian Willoughby, PhD, an associate professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.

Not just BS.

This isn’t just conservative B.S. This correlates with what you know from reality.

He sleeps with you on the first date. You think it means he likes you or wants to be your boyfriend. In fact, all it means is that he wanted to have sex with you. He’ll figure out in a few weeks or months whether he actually likes you enough to commit to you. But why is sex too early so dangerous? According to the article:

Not surprisingly, having sex creates powerful emotional bonds. If those bonds are forged too early, they may saddle a relationship with baggage that can complicate the partnership before both partners are ready, Willoughby theorizes. Having sex sooner might also compel us to stay in relationships that we know aren’t built to last, the study suggests.

Finally, “women who delay sex are more driven to invest in their relationships,” says one researcher, adding that the research results were consistent across age groups, races, and religious affiliations.

Sexclusivity

The word I’ve coined for this is “sexclusivity”. Don’t sleep with a guy until he’s your boyfriend. Wait a month or so before you do so. And if/when you do finally have sex, you are guaranteed that it’ll be with a guy who you like, trust, and know enough to be worthy of commitment – as opposed to letting lust take over and then keeping your fingers crossed.

Think About This!

Having great online dating photos is the most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

 

Can You Still Be Friends With Your Ex?

Cherry Norris is a one of those people who you immediately feel comfortable talking to…as soon as I’d spoken with her on the telephone I felt I’d met a great coach who has good nature, humor and authenticity and poise.

A little more about Cherry She’s an Author, filmmaker, entrepreneur and love coach, and she gives women fun, fail-proof tips to help them meet and marry their man.
To find out more about her (click here)

I love Cherry’s videos, she’s got a great sense of humor…

Here’s what Cherry has to say about Can You Still Be Friends With Your Ex? (Click on image)

Dating online? Regardless of your age, the most important thing you need to know…

Whether you are 25 or 95 Having great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

 

Modern Love!

Recently I was sent a book to review by  CIJA BLACK Author of “Modern Love-The grownup’s guide to relationships & online dating”

dating advice and great profile photos 001

I get to read and review a ton of books about online dating…

Why this book is different

This book is different from a lot of other books for one simple (And very important detail) that instead of diving straight into the world of online dating and the Do’s and Dont’s; Cija focuses on whether people are ready to date first!

I found myself thinking about a good friend of mine (and more than a few women that I dated) who were coming out of  messy divorces and insisted that they were OK to date! (they weren’t ready to even begin to start dating, yet loneliness and a desire to be loved prompted them to subscribe to an online dating website and go on date after date when they were simply not ready.)..the results were predictable and sad…jumping from bad date to bad date or even worse into incompatible relationships.

Relationship Archeology

I wish I’d read this book a year ago…I could have given my friend my copy and forced him to read the first section called “Relationship Archeology”.
I love Cija’s concept of digging up the past and learning from it before going on dates!

The book starts with a checklist “You might not be ready to date if…” good solid advice here that could save people a ton of heartache if they read this!

Another Checklist

There’s another useful checklist called “Why do you want to date” too

The theme of relationship Archeology continues with Cija giving her readers answers to questions like.
“How exactly does happily ever after work?”, “Ideals, standards and Boundaries”, “looking back to move forward”, “separating your issues from your partners” and more and also goes on to offer helpful advice on personality types to avoid the not to be missed “The most important questions you will ever answer”.

The next sections of the book Cija covers the topics of Getting your profile online and Going on Dates and more…She offers practical common sense advice that seems to me to work. (My only comment is that there are some things that could be added to the section on photos-of course being the CEO of a dating profile photo company that will come as no surprise)

In summary

I can hear a lot of you saying…yes, but what a lot of work…and yes if you read this book and listen and apply what Cija recommends then this will involve a fair amount of introspection. But the results you get in your life will be worth it!

I’ve given this book 4.5 out of 5 stars…because I NEVER give anything 5 stars and I found the introduction a little long for me (and to be fair I’m not into reading the introductions of any book) Here’s a link to buy your copy! ( Click here )

 

 

“There’s someone for everyone” & other ridiculous Dating Advice

Let me introduce you to Scot McKay.

Character based

Scot’s been helping men with his dating advice for nearly a decade with a unique approach he calls “character-based”.
Scot talks about how a masculine, confident man of true character and leadership skill is an authentic representation of the man the most desirable women want, obviating the need for “tricks” and “techniques”.
His concepts transcend mere pickup and seduction and describe a state of having control over one’s dating life, culminating in the ability to attract the highest quality women on Earth,

I’m not politically correct and proud of it! I’m an unrepentant fan of men being men and women being women so I like Scot’s no bullshit approach. (I also think that many of the “Pickup artist” techniques that some dating experts use has a “creepy vibe” and are a bit sad and needy) so feel that Scot’s character based advice will not only help men find great women, but they’ll also avoid the creepy vibe, gain more self respect and enjoy the process.

To find out more about Scot click here 

Here’s an article that Scot kindly wrote exclusively for us here at LookbetterOnline.com (Thanks Scot!)

“There’s someone for everyone”(And other ridiculous dating advice)

It never ceases to amaze me what passes for dating advice among the masses. Among dubious classics such as “just be yourself”,”friends first”, “be nice and comb your hair” and “women love jerks” is the particular gem we’re going to address today:


…”
There’s someone for everyone.”

 

No real steps

Now, it’s important to realize the mindset behind most “armchair” dating advice.  Basically, it’s given in hopes of making someone feel better about his or her situation without providing any real, substantial steps to actually improving anything.

Consider how many grandmas have told dateless college students, “Someone will come along and love you just the way you are, honey.”
Well, guess what?  I’m not your Grandma.  And after nearly eight years immersed in this stuff I’ve long since gotten up out of the “armchair” and into the saddle.

So it’s my solemn duty to inform you that just like whatever Grandma told you, resting your hope in a pie-in-the-sky notion like
“There’s someone for everyone” is a BAD IDEA.

A NON-strategy

Really, I can’t call it a poor strategy.  It’s actually a NON-strategy.

To be clear, I’m not disputing that there is someone for everyone. I absolutely do believe that every human being can and should find
love….The real problem is that the entire premise smacks of SETTLING, doesn’t it?

Let me spell it out for you:  If you’re passively hoping (another NON-strategy, by the way) for just ONE woman to fall into your life out of the blue, then you’re already completely off-track.

Simply stated, a decidedly more exciting reality awaits any “big four” man of strong character who is confident, masculine in the way women define it and able to make women feel safe and
comfortable in his presence.

Indeed, there may be “someone for everyone”, but there are UNLIMITED OPTIONS for that guy.

Don’t just wait…the time is now!

Wouldn’t you rather have your pick of LOTS of adoring women rather than waiting around for “someone”?

Think about it.  If there’s “someone” out there for you who you’re wishing upon a star in hopes of meeting someday, what kind of choice does that imply?
If you answered “zero”, you’re right on.
Passivity will DESTROY your level of success with women, assuming you’ve achieved any success thus far.
If you haven’t yet experienced success, then that same passivity will flatly PROHIBIT you from ever tasting it.

When you stop looking

Yes, I realize I’m making a strong statement. But you can’t simply wait around for “love to happen when you least expect it”.  Even worse shade tree advice than that is, “when you stop looking for love, love will find you”.

Man, that last one has to be the biggest “whopper” of all.  Why don’t we all just quit our jobs and start buying lottery tickets instead, too?
Yet again, all the examples of bad advice I’ve given here really do share that common theme, don’t they?  They’re all “fluff” and no substance.
Who can expect to accomplish ANYTHING in this life without proactively going about making it happen?
Love, or success with women if you prefer, is no exception.

I can promise you that if you’re on a surrealistically long “losing streak” right now–or have always struck out with every woman you’ve ever really wanted–then things aren’t going to “magically” change without any direct input from you. The perfect woman of your dreams isn’t going to suddenly descend from heaven one day with a halo in a beam of light.

Man up and go after what you want

You’re going to have to deserve what you want.  You have to be the man of HER dreams.
For better or worse, that means you’ll have to make an effort…not only to be that “big four” man, but to man up and go after who you want.

You have to conquer fear of “rejection” and/or that you’re “bothering” women by striking up a conversation with them.

Action

Yes…this all involves some real-world action on your part.  But it doesn’t have to be as hard or as complicated as you think.  Results can come quickly.
And the journey itself can even be exciting as you see your fortunes improve steadily.

Believe me when I tell you that there’s no better feeling than being able to CHOOSE the woman (or women) you want to be with.

Having options means making INFORMED choices.  And informed choices are BETTER choices.  Better choices lead to better RELATIONSHIPS…every time.

Be Good,
Scot McKay

Dating online? Regardless of your age, the most important thing you need to know…

Whether you are 25 or 95 Having great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Break Ups: 7 Ways to Get Over Him and Move On

Ronnie Ann Ryan woke up on a cold January morning for her 40th birthday and realized she might be single for the rest of her life.

She thought she should get used to the idea since the situation wasn’t likely to change.  four months later, she’d had enough and she decided to turn things around.

After dating 30 men in 15 months, she met her husband Paul. Having successfully figured out the key to midlife dating, Ronnie wanted to help other women like her to find love too!

 

That’s why she became a Dating Coach and founded It’s Never Too Late for Love.

Her mission is to share her wisdom and proven dating advice with every single woman who has that strong desire and yearning to find love. (And she has a ton of experience and is certainly a “subject matter expert”

What Ronnie has to share

Here’s what Ronnie had to share with me about Break Ups and Heart Breaks (I’ve included a letter that one of her clients sent to her to give you the full story!)

Dear Ronnie The Dating Coach,
It might be so naive of me, but the problem is I can’t get over this guy. I was really into him about four  years ago. Recently, I found out he is in a new relationship which seems serious. I keep comparing myself with his new woman and regret that our relation did not end up like his current one. This feels like such a losing a battle! How can I get rid of this awful feeling and get over this break up to find love again?
Please help Ronnie
Lost in Lafayette

Dear Lost,
Many women struggle with  break ups or devastating dating disappointment. My heart goes out to you for your loss. However, it has been four years now and so it’s definitely time to move on. When you hold on for years after a break up, you are giving your power away to that man. I know a lot about this since I lost 18 years over my college boyfriend!

Here are seven ways to get over break ups, recover and move on:

1. Build your self-esteem.

Change up your hair and makeup and get some new clothes. Maybe you need pampering to feel cared for and special again. Exercise or workout with a trainer. Whatever makes you feel beautiful and strong – that’s the way to go. You are an amazing woman. Let yourself shine once again. Building your confidence is one of the best ways overcome break ups.

2. He’s not the only man.

You may be operating under the idea that he was the only man for you, but this is not true. Remember there are other single men out there. I don’t believe there is only one perfect match and you have had your love.. That is total nonsense! There is definitely more than one love for every person or no one would ever find love again. After a break up, it may feel that he was the only one, but it’s time to realize that line of thinking is holding you back.

3. He wasn’t the right man for you.

If he was the right guy, things would have worked out. So, whatever is going on with him now doesn’t matter. There is no need to compare yourself to his new girlfriend because you don’t need to be anything like her. He’s not the right man for you so who cares about either of them? Time spent on that is wasted time which is true for all break ups.

4. Stop thinking about him.

When you catch yourself thinking about him, STOP IT! Think about something else – anything else. This is where distraction is so important. You need to practice shifting your thinking and if you struggle with that, then throw yourself into a new project. Start exercising. Take up a new hobby. Go out with friends. This is one of the best cures for break ups

5. Try positive self-talk.

Come up with what you want to say to yourself when you catch yourself thinking about him. Maybe you remind yourself that there are other men out there. Maybe you tell yourself that you are lovable. Or say, “My new boyfriend is on his way to me now.” With break ups, consciously say something positive that makes you feel good to shift those painful thoughts to be something happier.

6. Smile more.

This may sound too simple, but it really works. The more you smile, the happier you get. Then try smiling at other people too. This is a quick positive interaction that spreads good feelings! You also look prettier when you smile. Don’t hold back any longer – show those pearly whites and grin from ear to ear. It is absolutely contagious!

7. Go out to meet new men!

There’s nothing better for break ups than to meet new men. Start mingling and paying attention to how many men really are out there. I’ve had dating coaching clients tell me that before working with me, they really thought everyone was married. But that’s not true! There are lots of single men who would love to meet a woman like you. But you won’t meet them at home – you have to go out!

 That’s it – my seven tips to get over break ups and kick start your love life again. As a dating coach for women, one thing I have seen countless times is women recovering from break ups and finding love again. Try these powerful suggestions and move on to  better man who is right for you.

Dating online? some thing to consider

Whether you are 25 or 95 Having great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

What Dating Is Like for Men: Part 8 of 8 (Women Please read this)

Click to see Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, and Part 7 of this article.
Are You Ready to Teach and Tame Her? (FemiTypes – The Epilogue)

I’ve profiled six types of women – I call them FemiTypes – who have less than healthy relationships with men. I’ve written about The Princess, The 18 Year Old, The Scaredy Cat, The Wow-Me Woman, The Bitter Woman and The Sexpot.

Why have I written about women when you really want to know about men? Because I know it will help lead you get to where you want to be: in a loving relationship with a man who is devoted to you.

Creating empathy

I wrote the FemiType series in hopes of creating empathy for your counterpart: the over 40 single guy who is dating and looking for love. Many of these guys come to you after dating, living with or being married to one or more of these FemiTypes.

After reading this series, I hope you can understand why some single men can seem judgmental, insecure, scared or a little shell-shocked! Like you, they’re likely reacting based on previous experiences.

Understanding men’s bumps and bruises will add to your compassion, and compassion is toward the top of the list of feminine traits that men desire most in a partner. It ranks before sex appeal, intelligence, or being blonde and skinny. Relationship-minded men are drawn to a compassionate woman.

A window to look through

My FemiType series also gives you a window through which you can identify patterns of your own behavior that unknowingly turn away good guys. One of the biggest complaints I hear from my clients is that, after only one or two dates that seem great, the guy just disappears. That can be for a whole host of reasons having nothing to do with you.

But often –  and I know because guys tell me – it’s because of behavior that turns off men, emasculates them, hurts them, or just downright confuses them. Sometimes we can just be too much work for them!

Knowledge is power

Knowledge is power, and I’m all about empowering you. Self-awareness is the most powerful tool of all. It’s what started me on my journey to finding the most amazing love, and it will also put you in control of getting what you want.

Some women figure the only problem is that there aren’t enough men. They resist looking at themselves or taking personal responsibility. I get it. That’s how I dated for about 30 years! I just kept trolling, casting my net and waiting and hoping for the right guy to come along. (You know…the guy who was going to love me just the way I was without me having to make any changes?)

Looking back, I’m sure I met plenty of good guys during my dating years. I can see now how my inner Scaredy Cat and 18 Year Old kept me from attracting them (or even recognizing them).
I kept scaring away the good men, and the only ones I attracted were the jerks. You know who appears then…The Bitter Woman! H-e-l-l-o!

My Formula for Overcoming My FemiTypes

In my 40s I finally realized the only common denominator to my unsatisfactory (i.e., lack of) relationships was ME. With guidance (Yes, I use coaches!) I realized it was I who had control over my romantic outcomes. And boy, was I controlling them!

So…I got to work.

I discovered my “wonderfulness” and learned how to show it to men. (Falling in Love with Myself). This gave me confidence I had never had before, and there is nothing more attractive than confidence. (That comes before compassion on guys’ lists.)

Then I got clear on what I wanted in a man and in a relationship.I helped my 18 Year Old grow up and defined the traits in a man that were really important for grownup happiness. I got rid of the items on my “list” that really didn’t matter. You know: tall, dark, gorgeous, rich, drives a good car, no baggage, loves to travel, etc.  Btw, this is where it really helps to be over 40 – we now have rich life experience that can help guide us.

The hardest  part for me was getting rid of the gremlins, assumptions and beliefs that held me back: things like “I’m too fat,” “Men don’t like smart women,” and “I’m just going to get hurt, so what’s the point?” I put my gremlins in their place, locked in a tiny closet at the back of my brain. They came out to play now and then, but I wouldn’t let them sabotage me anymore. I wanted this too much.

Taming Your FemiTypes

Once you know what is wonderful about you and what you really want in a man, and once you have challenged and cut your gremlins down to size…THEN you are ready to find your guy.

When you cast your net with all this in your tool chest, this is the easy and fun part! When you’re clear, ready and open, finding love is soooo much easier.  Within 18 months of doing my inner work, I became a first-time bride at age 47! And as I write this, we are one month from our six-year anniversary.

No Shortcuts

So, wonderful woman, sorry but there are no shortcuts. The path is simple, though, and it’s not so long once you know what to do and how to do it. (Kind of like many things in life that seem hard, yet you end up mastering them without much fuss.)

I wish I had some quick tidbit of advice for you to use that will miraculously make Him appear. But today I’m all about looking deeper and going further with you. And the only advice is for you to learn to BE the woman who attracts that loving man.

If you’ve made it this far reading this, I have full confidence that you’re up for this journey.

I’ve heard from many of you that the FemiType series has been eye-opening and helpful. That’s why I’m here: to open your eyes to the beauty of being a grownup in the area of love. (As I know you are in the rest of your life.) I’m here to guide you on your path to Finding Hope and then Finding Him. You deserve to wake up every morning for the rest of your life with a man who adores you.
I did it. My clients are doing it…and you can too. I am SO looking forward to hearing you tell me about this wonderful experience in your life!

Dating online? Regardless of your age, the most important thing you need to know…

Whether you are 25 or 95 Having great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

A recommended Workshop by Bobbi

So If you’re living in California (Or just a plane flight away) she’s  teaching her breakthrough workshop Mastering the art of magnetizing men on Memorial Day Weekend 2013 – May 25-26, 2013 in Los Angeles, CA. Click here to learn more and reserve your seat.

What Dating Is Like for Men: Part 7 of 8 (Women Please read this)

Click to see Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5 and Part 6 of this article.

Are You Attracting the wrong guys?
(FemiType #6: The Sexpot)

Let me start today by telling you how magnificent you are….

The fact that you are a woman over 40 and reading this tells me that you are all the more spectacular. Really, it does!

One of the reasons finding love over 40 can be the most gratifying time of all is that you know your sphere of power.
You’ve learned you are only in control of you, no one else. Life has taught you that you cannot control co-workers, friends, and especially the men you date…or marry, for that matter.
(Though I’m quite sure you occasionally try.)

With self control

You also know that with that self-control comes personal responsibility, and you know you have the power to create a happy and full life for yourself instead of living one of disappointment and scarcity. This is why I’ve written this series on FemiTypes.*

Hard as it is to take a close look at yourself, I know that you have a super-important goal you have not yet reached. As with all things in your life you have already achieved, you know that the way to get what you want is to learn, grow and work for it. So here you are.

But this only makes you human. Not wrong. Not bad. Not anywhere near unlovable. Changing behavior for most of us is about just that; it’s not about some fundamental flaw we have as a woman.

My Wish

My wish is for you to spend the rest of your life with a man who absolutely adores you and with whom you feel safe and understood. (Just as I am doing.) Solely in the interest of helping you find that love do I ask you to take a look at how the behaviors of these FemiTypes may mirror some of your bad love habits. This is likely what is standing in your way of getting what you want.

Knowledge is power. And if there is anything I’m, about it’s empowering you, my incredibly deserving sisters, to get what you want out of life. With self-knowledge comes more control over your behavior and, in turn, over the types of men you attract. With more power and clarity, you can steer your dating and relationship ship.

The Sex Pot

So, here we go. Today is the last of the 6 FemiTypes – The Sex Pot.

We all know her. She dresses a little too young. Her dress is a little too tight, too short, showing a tad too much cleavage and her lipstick is the brightest of reds. Each, on their own, is not a big deal.  Combined, it is just over the top, especially on a supposedly grownup woman.

While The Bitter Woman leads with her anger, this gal leads with her sexuality. She learned at an early age that sex was the way to attract a man. And it works! But she has not yet learned that it’s not the way to attract a relationship.

Listen, I’m all for women having fun in bed and enjoying all the sex they want. Some women want this time in their lives to explore and enjoy their sexuality. I say go for it! But be careful and know that luring men in using your sexuality will most likely NEVER lead you to love.
The Sex Pot is different than this gal. She wants a relationship and believes sex is the way to a man’s heart. She measures her self-worth by how men respond to her sexually. Her underlying belief is probably that she doesn’t have much else to offer to get attention from men. And she just doesn’t know any other way.

 As her wrinkles deepen

As her wrinkles deepen, her thighs sag and her waistline thickens, she becomes more sexually assertive. She needs confirmation that she still “has it.” It can be sad and seen by men as being desperate…and a little immature.

Tony’s Story

“We met online and her pictures were pretty hot. She was flirty in her emails, and I thought that was cute and exciting. When I picked her up for our first date, she put her hand on my leg as I drove to the restaurant. We had a pretty good time. When I went to drop her off, she invited me in and after a short time offered me a back rub. I was a little put off, but hey, I’m a guy so I said yes. The back rub soon became more, with her as the aggressor.

When I put on the brakes she was offended that I didn’t ‘go for it.’ As much as I’m a healthy red-blooded 64-year old guy, I just kept thinking that she didn’t really know me and wondered if she did this with every guy she meets. That was a big turn off. I suppose I could have had sex with her and then never called her again. But that’s just not me anymore.”

A good guy

Tony was a good guy who, to his surprise, was put off by this woman’s come-on. He sensed her desperation and knew instinctively she was not relationship material. Overall it was more a turn off than a turn on. It seems like this experience left him feeling emasculated and kind of used. His 18 Year Old was probably screaming “Go for it!” but his grownup self wanted nothing to do with it. Yes, men can feel like sex objects too.

The Sexpot’s Reality and Re-education

The Sex Pot attracts the wrong guys, they take her bait, use her and follow up only when they want more sex or maybe just a stroke of their egos. These users spot this FemiType a mile away. She makes excuses for them when they disappoint her. Because she is ever hopeful it may turn into a real relationship, she willingly accepts the next booty call.
When she stops to think about it, she feels used and empty. But she doesn’t often stop long since she is almost always on the hook with some guy she thinks has potential. She needs that to shore up her confidence. And when he dumps her, she feels used and blames him for being a liar and user.

Sex=Love?

Ultimately The Sexpot doesn’t change because she doesn’t know any other way to attract or maintain a relationship with a man. She equates sex with love, which is probably something she learned as a teenager and still believes as truth. She is clueless to the fact that men of any age do not equate sex and love and that sexual attraction is just that. Period.

Unlike The 18 Year Old, she doesn’t need to have butterflies nor feel the big Shazam like The Wow-Me Woman. She doesn’t even need a great first date. She is a little foggy as to what she wants in a man and doesn’t have much on her “list” other than mutual attraction. If he’s turned on to her, she’s usually turned on to him.
The Sexpot’s idea of intimacy has not been updated since her 20s. (Though she is more skilled, which the men surely appreciate!) She treats any performance issue as a huge deal. She is usually less than diplomatic with this sensitive, very common male issue.

Sexpot Rehab

Like all of us, The Sexpot wants true love and acceptance. She just doesn’t know how to attract and nurture it. Her first step toward this is finding her true self-worth beyond her sexuality, after she is clear on all the wonderful things she has to offer, she needs to step back from her 18-year-old version of what she wants in a guy.

When The Sexpot meets a grownup guy she likes, consciously holding off on initiating sex is important so she can start breaking her habits. One huge advantage of looking for love over 40 is that mature, grownup guys will wait to have sex if they are interested in you as a partner. I hear this constantly from men.
To reiterate: if you just want to enjoy sex at this time of your life, I say go for it! But if you’re looking for love, it’s not the place to start. Getting to know someone stimulates the biggest sex organ of all: the brain! When you start there, relationships are created…even with men.

In the next article We’ll talk about what we’ve learned (about Femi-types) and how to apply it!

Dating online? Regardless of your age, the most important thing you need to know…

Whether you are 25 or 95 Having great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

A recommended Workshop by Bobbi

If you’re living in California (Or just a plane flight away) she’s  teaching her breakthrough workshop Mastering the art of magnetizing men on Memorial Day Weekend 2013 – May 25-26, 2013 in Los Angeles, CA. Click here to learn more and reserve your seat.

What Dating Is Like for Men: Part 6 of 8 (Women Please read this)

Click to see Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 and Part 5 of this article.

Do All Men Make You Mad?
(FemiType #5: The Bitter Woman)

In an effort to help you understand the man side of this midlife dating experience, I’ve introduced you to The Princess, The 18 Year Old, The Scaredy Cat and The Wow-Me Woman: all FemiTypes* that send good men running.

Today I’m going to talk about perhaps the most challenging of all FemiTypes: The Bitter Woman. She is a little scary, a lot angry, and all about being a victim. Not only does she scare and briefly traumatize the men she meets, but her bitterness probably seeps into all areas of her life.
So buckle your seat belts; this may get a bit bumpy. The good news is that you will probably not recognize yourself here – though I’ll bet you have a friend or someone else in your life who is The Bitter Woman. (These are not women to talk to about your search for love, btw.)

Life Doesn’t always run smooth

Who hasn’t had periods of feeling bitter? Whether you’ve been passed over for a promotion, had a crappy childhood, or had a man do you wrong, by this time in your life you’ve taken a fair share of hits.

A grownup woman accepts that life does not always go her way. The Bitter Woman does not. She marinates in her victimhood and anger, making most anyone who crosses her path pay for her disappointment. (Especially the men.)
Not coincidentally, The Bitter Woman constantly meets bad men who piss her off. She may start with “He’s great!”, but she will always get to “He’s a total asshole.” When it ends (and it always does), she is even more convinced that all men are jerks. Her toxic anger then reignites, and she is ready for the next target.

Pointing fingers

When it comes to assigning blame for her crappy love life, she is all about pointing fingers and never about looking in the mirror. It doesn’t occur to her that the lack of a great relationship in her life has anything to do with her. It’s all about lousy men and bad luck.

Perry’s Story

“I actually met her in the grocery store. She was attractive and I liked her spunk, so I asked for her phone number. We had a good phone conversation, and at the end I suggested we meet for coffee. She said something like “Oh…you don’t take women you meet in grocery stores to dinner?” I told her I thought coffee would be a good start, and if we wanted to we could move on to dinner.

I could tell within minutes after we met that she had a chip on her shoulder about me not taking her to dinner. She made a couple of snarky comments about it. And the rest of the time she was bashing her first husband and all her online dating experiences. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough! And then she had the nerve to email me wondering when we were going out to dinner. She was scary. I can’t imagine any guy making that woman happy.”

Perry was a nice enough guy. He was making an effort to get to know her. She knew next to nothing about him yet was already assuming he was a cheapskate or a jerk…and he knew it. I’m guessing that she was telling herself something like “here we go again…another one just like the rest.”
He was put off by her demanding, negative attitude and then relieved when he escaped before dinner. In the end he feels he dodged a bullet…and he did.

Bitterness to Self-Awareness

The Bitter Woman has created this hard shell that protects a wounded heart. Her irony is that she just wants someone to love and accept her. (Don’t we all?) But she is the least willing of all the FemiTypes to reciprocate that open acceptance.

She feels damaged by the men in her life. She may have had a nasty divorce, a cheating spouse or boyfriend, or a messed up relationship with her father. (You don’t need to be a psychologist to figure this as a possibility.)

One man or many

Whether it was one man or many, she hangs on the experiences and uses her anger like a protective shield. That use of blame prevents her from taking responsibility for the relationships in her life, especially with men. She is afraid, but anger is her go-to emotion rather than dealing with what she’s really feeling: fear, insecurity, sadness, etc.

The Bitter Woman careens between self-pity and self-righteousness. She says things like “Those jerks never even give me a chance!, the unsaid being: So there’s nothing I can do about it!

Her self-righteousness comes out as bullying: “What…dinner isn’t good enough for me? Are you cheap or something?” And voila! She creates her own negative reality. (Is anyone having fun yet?)

I admit that The Bitter Woman is challenging. Her transformation begins with taking an honest, sometimes painful look in the mirror. Seeing and accepting that she is the common denominator in all her bad relationships is her first step toward freedom.

Create a New Reality

Another part of the journey is uncovering your beliefs and assumptions about men, dating and relationships. Men are only interested in sex. Relationships mean giving up your dreams. Men don’t want a woman like me. All the good men are taken. My man has to be/has to do xyz or he doesn’t really care. Dating is scary and you have to protect yourself. Go on…write it all down.

Next, start to validate your beliefs. You have a choice: focus on the guy(s) who did you wrong (at least that how it looks now) and assume they’re all like that OR start gathering new evidence.

Look for the good men

Look for the good men around you. Maybe it’s your brother, neighbor, best friend’s husband, chiropractor or co-worker. I’ve never met a woman who couldn’t identify some men in her orbit who were kind and a good partner to someone. Are there really NO good men? Anywhere? Really? And look at their partners. Is it true men don’t pick women like you?

What you Believe is your Truth. If you see any Bitter Woman in you, you can choose to take personal responsibility for creating your new truth.

I know, because I did this work myself. It took some serious work for me to get past my “Men Are” nonsense. This was stuff I had believed since junior high school. And when I exorcised those demons, all of the sudden I saw good men all around me.

Eventually the One was right in front of me. The old me would have scared him away. The new me attracted him like a magnet. Score!

Thankfully, the vast majority of you rockin’ ladies take your lumps in life graciously. You’ve had your share of disappointments and hurt with men, but you don’t hang on like The Bitter Woman. You know it’s okay to get pissed off, vent for a while, and have a pity party.

Hope, determination and an open heart

Eventually, though, you move on with hope, determination and an open heart. That is the way to find meaningful and lasting love – and peace of minds

I know this is possible for you: a devoted man, a peaceful heart, and some sweetness in your life every day.
In the next article we’ll talk about attracting the wrong sorts of men.

Dating online? Regardless of your age, the most important thing you need to know…

Whether you are 25 or 95 Having great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

A recommended Workshop by Bobbi

If you’re living in California (Or just a plane flight away) Bobbi is teaching her breakthrough workshop Mastering the art of magnetizing men on Memorial Day Weekend 2013 – May 25-26, 2013 in Los Angeles, CA. Click here to learn more and reserve your seat.

What Dating Is Like for Men: Part 5 of 8 (Women Please read this)

Click to see Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4 of this article.

Are You Waiting for Some Fantasy Man?
(FemiType #4: The Wow-Me Woman)

Newsflash: Women constantly push really good guys right out of their lives without even knowing it. We do it by behaving in ways that, until pointed out by someone else, are a complete mystery.
Finally having this pointed out to me in my early 40s was a huge part of my transition from a pretty happy single gal to, at age 47, a truly fulfilled wife of a loving and adoring man.
In my never-ending quest to help grownup women find fantastic love like I did, I’m writing about the six types of single women who drive men away. I’m outlining these dating “FemiTypes” so you, the oh-so deserving woman over 40 looking for love, can do two things:

  • Find love by clearing out what might be standing in your way.
  • Make better connections with men by extending them true empathy

Nothing to do with woman-bashing

This has nothing to do with woman-bashing or saying you’re broken in some way. It has nothing to do with saying that dating and relationships are more difficult for men than for women. It simply has to do with helping you get educated.

Just like us, men can have a tough time in the wild and wooly world of dating. How would you know their experience unless someone told you? So, if you agree there is value in knowing how “the other side” feels…read on!

The 6 FemiTypes are: The Princess, The 18 Year Old, The Scaredy Cat, The Wow-Me Woman, The Bitter Woman and The Sex Pot.

Today’s FemiType is The Wow-Me Woman.
She’s all about finding the one man who knocks her socks off. She’s convinced that the holy grail is that elusive “chemistry.” Without it, she hardly feels it’s necessary to give a guy any time or attention.
The Wow-Me Woman can’t define what she’s looking for but swears she will “know him when she sees him” (a common theme among FemiTypes).
Like the Princess, when it comes to her love life, emotions rule. The Wow-Me Woman is stuck in her 12-year-old self’s fantasy and guided by feelings and intuition. She firmly believes that one day her prince will come, they will lock eyes, and BANG…it will happen!

Swept off her feet

She wants to be swept off her feet. He needs to make her laugh, have charisma and charm and, upon first meeting, be able to carry on a conversation with her sans any silence. You know…the conversation just “needs to flow.” (Even though they’re meeting for the very first time and very few men have the skill of unbridled conversation.)

Overall, the Wow-Me Woman’s man needs to give her “that feeling.”  When I’m coaching her, she tells me: “It was amazing! I could tell right away that we had an amazing connection! I’ve been waiting so long to meet this guy!”  (I’m always tempted to reply, “How’s that instant connection thing working for you so far?”)

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for feeling a spark on the first date or two. But the Wow-Me Woman is so sure she has to feel the shazam-factor that she wouldn’t even recognize a small flame. She’s holding out for the blazing bonfire; and if it doesn’t happen right away, she’s not sticking around. She will snuff out the best of the best.

Anthony’s story

“I dated for a lot of years and met a ton of women. We’d have a good phone call and then we’d usually meet for coffee. A lot of them seemed to lose interest pretty quickly. I always felt like I was being tested. It was like: “Show me what you got!” And if I didn’t perform in the first 10 minutes, I could tell she would shut down. Like I disappointed her somehow.

I understand that I’m not Denzel Washington. But I’m educated, I have a good job, and I’m damn nice. And I was serious about finding The One. Apparently I was supposed to jump through some hoops to get their attention.

My wife didn’t fall in love with me instantly. But we liked each other, and after a few dates we knew we had potential. And we’ve ended up being a great team. She’s the greatest.

 I actually feel bad for those women. They’re probably all still single.”

Give a man a chance

You can probably imagine how it feels when you have to do some song and dance to get attention from someone you’re meeting for the first time.

Oh, wait…you don’t have to imagine, do you? You’ve probably felt like this with some of the men you’ve met. It’s like you have a few minutes to pass some test; and if you don’t, he’s essentially done.

Feels crappy, doesn’t it? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told by women how unfair it is that men don’t even give women a chance. Well, we can do the very same thing.

Anthony probably felt rejected each time this happened and, over the course of time, got angry. He was making an effort to meet women but getting judged by some unreasonable measurement. They were judging him on how good a date he was, not how good a potential partner he might make.

Anthony was right, by the way. Many Wow-Me Women stay single for a long time! I can say this as I was a member of that club.) They have probably had a lot of short-term, intense relationships (a.k.a. affairs) but no meaningful long-term ones.

Three scenarios

Here is how dating can go for the Wow-Me Woman: She dates and never meets men she likes. Then, once in a very long while, she meets someone and feels The Chemistry. They have an incredible first date. He could be The One! Then there are three scenarios:

Scenario #1)
They have a great first date and he never calls her again. In this case she apparently read it wrong. On one of my Man Panels, when asked about this phenomenon, a man once answered, “Well…it couldn’t have been that great of a date!”

Scenario #2)
He digs her too and, as a grownup guy looking for a life partner, he wants to learn more about her. He calls a few days later and asks her out again. But her intensity bowls him over. He can tell she’s already decided about him and latched on. That’s unimpressive, and he heads for the hills.

Scenario #3)
They have a great first date. He instantly starts texting and emailing, and they both jump in. They talk and/or see each other every day. She’s more and more convinced that her initial feeling was right on: he’s amaaaaazing! Then, relatively soon thereafter, he either disappears or explains that he’s just not ready for a relationship.

So let me break down this last scenario. The guy who jumps in so fast is a Wow-Me Man. He eventually realizes, though, that she’s not the woman he wants to marry. (Either that, or he doesn’t want to marry at all and just likes the feeling of being adored.) At the same speed he created the situation, he extricates himself. He knows he made a mistake.

Ignores the signs

The Wow-Me Woman, however, ignores any signs that he’s not a good match because she can’t bear to give up the fantasy. Once she’s wowed, no amount of contrary evidence can convince her they weren’t meant to be. She’s waited a long time for this, and she’s not about to give it up.

Even when it’s over – after one week or a few months – she can’t give up the dream of what might have been. She can’t figure out what went wrong because her fantasy is still too powerful. She holds on to her belief that they were great together. It’s just that he didn’t get it.

Unclear about what she wants in a man

Like The 18 Year Old, The Wow-Me Women is unclear on what she really wants in a man and thus can’t evaluate the almost-relationship realistically. Since she still thinks she had it right and he just didn’t know it, she will continue her pattern. She will reject man after man who doesn’t turn her on in search of her next hit of Shazam.

WOW-ME Rehab

Looking back at your experiences over the past several years, does any of the wow-me pattern seem familiar? If so, you know that it’s exhausting and sometimes depressing to live in a cycle of continuous disappointment and occasional Shazam.

If you don’t want to live feeling like this anymore, and you honestly want to find that special man to share your life…you can turn this around.

Generally after some time has passed, it becomes crystal clear that men you fell so hard for were nowhere near a good match for you. Take some time to review who the guys were that you “just knew” were right for you but turned out to be losers, jerks or just plain wrong. (A guy who disappears after a ton of texts and emails and a few dates – and especially after having sex – is a jerk. Period.)

How much energy did you expend on this guy? And how did this bad choice affect your dating experiences going forward? Did it create some mistrust of men (and maybe mistrust of yourself)?

An alternative

The grownup dater is clear on what she needs in a life partner. She knows exactly how she wants to feel when she’s with him, and she knows it takes a lot more than just excitement and Shazam to make a good partnership.

Learning the difference between a good date and a good mate is crucial not to drive your love life by fantasy and feelings alone

I recommend that your mantra as you meet men is DISCOVER, DON’T DECIDE. Give your intuition a holiday and tune into what your grownup woman is saying. If you find yourself getting swept away and can’t articulate why (except to say something like “He’s just so…awesome!”), then tap on the brakes for a while. He’ll still be there when the grownup part of you decides he’s got what it takes for you to be happy as partners.

Get clear

A lasting relationship with a good guy is more likely to begin when you’re clear about what you want, and you allow yourself to see him as a real person. Dump your checklist and judge him based on the real stuff. After all, you’re looking for a life partner, not just a good date. Life and love with a real man is so much better than chasing after an elusive fantasy.

in the next article we’ll talk about the “Bitter woman”.

Dating online? Regardless of your age, the most important thing you need to know…

Whether you are 25 or 95 Having great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

A recommended Workshop by Bobbi

So If you’re living in California (Or just a plane flight away) she’s  teaching her breakthrough workshop Mastering the art of magnetizing men on Memorial Day Weekend 2013 – May 25-26, 2013 in Los Angeles, CA. Click here to learn more and reserve your seat.

What Dating Is Like for Men: Part 4 of 8 (Women Please read this)

Click to see Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 of this article.

Are You Scaring Yourself Out of Love?
(FemiType #3: The Scaredy Cat)

We all know that dating over 40 can be a bit of a jungle with challenges, surprises and pitfalls. I’m sure you’ve encountered your share of Needy-men and Players as you meet single men. I get it, and you belong to a large, loving sisterhood. But it’s not only us gals who have dating disasters. Men have their fair share of icky, confusing, ego-crushing experiences too.

In my ongoing effort to help you empathize with those nutty creatures with whom we’re trying so hard to connect, I’m showing you my 6 “FemiTypes”: the over-40 women men date who send them running for the hills.

(Btw, I know that many of my readers are under 40. To you, this will either be super helpful or a stern warning as to what not to do as you “mature.”)

Previously I’ve introduced you to The Princess and The 18 Year Old. Today you’ll learn about The Scaredy Cat.

Unworthy and afraid

Deep down, The Scaredy Cat feels unworthy and afraid to receive love and attention, especially from potential romantic partners. She has been wounded by past relationships and hasn’t been able to move on emotionally. While she carries these wounds below the surface and they aren’t there for all to see, given the proper trigger (like a man not calling exactly when he says he will), her fear can take center stage at a moment’s notice.

She operates from contradictory perspectives: “I don’t deserve a good guy” and/or “There are no single good guys.” Because she says she will never open up herself to be hurt again, she makes her guy jump through all kinds of hoops to prove he’s okay and won’t hurt her. She needs him to show interest first. But when he does show his feelings, she questions it and ups the ante or runs.

When The Scaredy Cat perceives that she’s being let down, her walls go up and she overreacts. She projects her expectations into the future because this somehow helps her feel like she has some control. (She usually doesn’t actually know this.) She sees problems that exist only in her mind. She can’t relax and just get to know a man because she’s too busy picking every moment apart and questioning everything. She picks the bad guys because she’s familiar with them and (perhaps subconsciously) they prove her right.

Charles’s story

“I ended what could have potentially been a relationship with a woman because she just wouldn’t get in the game. I’d do things like tell her I had a nice time and liked being with her, and she would respond with ‘Thanks.’ I’d compliment her and she’d shrug or give me some bulls*t about how it wasn’t true. All these ways I tried to let her know I was interested…and she just wasn’t buying it.

Then, after about four weeks of dating, I had to cancel our plans for the weekend. She hardly let me tell her what was going on before she unloaded on me. I explained this ridiculous deadline my boss had given me, and she says ‘Fine…just call when you have time for me.’ The attitude was like: how dare you…like I was some kind of jerk.

She emailed me a nice note after the call, but that was it for me. I really liked her but after that attack, forget it. It was way too much work, and I’m not going to pass tests or constantly have to prove myself to anyone. I actually still think about her and wonder how she’s doing. But I’m really glad I moved on.”

Charles was really digging this gal and hanging in, hoping she would accept his interest. But when he canceled their plans she probably had her dating life flash before her, remembering the feelings from the hundreds of times she’d been lied to or dumped in the past. (In truth there were probably only a few times, and whether she really was being lied to or dumped is up for interpretation.) She was going to make him pay for all the men who “done her wrong.”

So The Scaredy Cat unleashes on this guy. She’s probably used this shoot-first-and-ask-questions-later-you-better-not-hurt-me approach ton of times before. Understandably, Charles is overwhelmed and a little pissed off by her unbending and over-emotional approach to the situation. Coupled with her inability to accept his overtures and just enjoy getting to know one another, he wants no part of it.

A few guys to represent the entire species.

For sure The Scaredy Cat has dated or even married immature, selfish and/or unkind men in the past. If she’s like many women, she probably had a couple real creeps early on and is just repeating the pattern. In my experience, the truth is that the real bad guys in her life add up to maybe 10; and when you’re in your 40s, 50s or beyond, that’s really not a lot. Yet The Scaredy Cat uses those few guys to represent the entire species.

(As a recovering Scaredy Cat, I get this big time. It wasn’t until my 40s that I came to understand that real men weren’t like the two jerky man-boys who broke my heart early on: one when I was a teenager and the other in my 20s. It took me many years to learn that most men were awesome…and so was I!)

Sky high

Because her defenses are so sky high, The Scaredy Cat turns away good guys whom she prematurely judges to be “just like all the others.” She tosses aside his compliments and attention. She focuses a very bright light on the one or two things that don’t meet her expectations. She is always looking for a sign that he’s slipped up and shown her that he’s just like all the rest.

When The Scaredy Cat overreacts to some perceived insult or omission on a man’s part, he’s blind-sided by her emotions. He probably ends it as fast as he can and voila…once again she is proven right: all men are______(fill in the blank).

Then her play can start all over again with the next guy. She’s living out a self-fulfilling prophecy of “I’m not good enough and all men suck.”

When a guy like Charles dates a Scaredy Cat, he can feel confused or just plain uninterested. His attempts to please her go unappreciated, and his emotional generosity is one-sided. The brick wall she has erected is just too high for him to climb; and since they barely know each other, it’s very easy for him to just leave.

Men need to feel appreciated and trusted. (This is huge!) They need to know that they’re enhancing your life. When The Scaredy Cat doesn’t receive well, holds back emotionally, and freaks out over slight disappointments, good men go running because none of their needs are getting met.

From Scaredy Cat to Grownup

There is hope for The Scaredy Cat! I know because I was one. It all starts with breaking down those emotional walls that took years to build.

Imagine feeling good about yourself and deserving of love. Then heap on an understanding of what would truly make you happy for the rest of your life. Do you see it? With this you can start trusting your own judgment! And then the fear and angst starts to disappear.

A little Scaredy Cat inside you

Do you think you have a little Scaredy Cat inside you? Can you look back and see how it has affected your dating and relationships? If she’s lurking, I urge you to stop, take a breath, and give yourself permission to acknowledge and verbalize what is fantastic about you. Then make a commitment to change the thoughts and behavior that are causing you to turn the good guys away

There are SO many good guys out there! I found one, and I have many clients who consistently have great dates and have found great partners! Once in a while these guys disappoint us. Sometimes we feel insecure or unsafe. But we can trust ourselves and knock down our walls.

In the next article we’ll talk about “Fantasy guys”.

Dating online? Regardless of your age, the most important thing you need to know…

Whether you are 25 or 95 Having great online dating photos is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how with great profile pictures we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

A recommended Workshop by Bobbi

I know that Bobbi is the real deal, which is why I have no worries about telling you about what she does!

So If you’re living in California (Or just a plane flight away) she’s  teaching her breakthrough workshop Mastering the art of magnetizing men on Memorial Day Weekend 2013 – May 25-26, 2013 in Los Angeles, CA. Click here to learn more and reserve your seat.