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Kathryn Lord

Kathryn Lord

I'm Kathryn Lord, Your Romance Coach. For years, I worked with singles and couples in my psychotherapy practice, helping them figure out how to find mates and build good, solid relationships. When I found myself single again in the mid-1990's, I hadn't dated in way too long. But the Internet was evolving and online dating sites just getting started, so I took what I knew from helping others and learned how to use cyberspace to do a mate search for myself. And by God, it worked: In May, 1998, I met my now-husband Drew on Match.com.

Got attitude?

If you are single and looking for a partner, you probably have attitude, but what is it? Are you positive, optimistic, and sure of a good result? Or are you jaded or self-protective? Frightened? Is “scared to death” too strong?

What you want, a plan to get there, and an attitude to match is vital for partnering success. Think about it: if you are sure that what you are doing won’t work, chances are very good that you will be right.

It’s like planning a trip to where you really don’t want to go, but it is the only route you know. Who wants to spend their vacation in the city dump? That’s just what you are deciding to do if you are saying things to yourself like “There are no good men out there,” or “Women are just looking for a fat wallet,” or “It’s not going to work, so why try?” You can be sure with those kinds of attitudes, you won’t find any good men, or will just find gold-digging women, or you won’t get anywhere at all.

Do you know how, when you suddenly become interested in something, you start noticing it everywhere? A few months ago, I got a sudden inspiration that I wanted a white convertible, right out of the blue. And then I started noticing convertibles. Never knew that there were so many of them around, but then again, I hadn’t been looking before. It’s the same way with those PT Cruisers — I think they are as cute as a button, and I notice them. I do not notice Cadillac’s or Chevrolets or BMW’s.

That’s the way it works with attitude and dating. You get a “destination” in your mind, where you are heading, and then, both consciously and unconsciously, you notice things and make choices that get you there. So it is very important, if you want success, to have success as your destination.

I am convinced, that for everyone who wants one, there is a perfect mate Out There. And, if you are looking, it is crucial for you to believe that too.

The question is where this person is, finding him or her, and how long it will take. Those are the real questions.

So can you believe? Can you adopt an attitude of bemused curiosity? Of wondering who your sweetheart will be and when and where he or she will manifest themselves? Of readying your life to accommodate sharing with another? Of hopeful expectancy? Of an opening to possibility and an acceptance of what is to come?

Just try your own Attitude Adjustment and see what happens.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Kathryn B. Lord c. 2003 All Rights Reserved

Online Dating lie detecting

Did you know that Online Dating is the top moneymaker on the Web?

Chances are good that if you are single, you have joined a site or two yourself.  If so, you’ve probably asked my CyberRomance clients’ top question too:

“How can I tell if they are lying?”  Lot’s of ways!  Here goes:

First off, much of “the problem” of Internet lying is media overhype.  What kind of interest would there be in a story about all the honest people who are on the Net?

But of course some people do lie, and being concerned about who is and who isn’t lying makes a heck of a lot of sense.

Reasons people lie:

  • To avoid conflict.
  • To avoid the consequences of their behavior.
  • To postpone having to make changes in lifestyle.
  • To hide something they did or did not do.
  • To avoid rejection.
  • To be in control of a situation.
  • To avoid being embarrassed.
  • To make themselves appear more successful, good, or talented than they really are.

All make terrific reasons for people to lie online.

How to detect lying:

A truthful person will be “congruent.”    That means that all the information they give out — their words, body language, they way they live and dress, everything — fits together and contains no contradictions.  People who lie will be incongruent in some way.

Here’s what to watch out for:

1. How they use words: written, on the phone, or in person —

  • Talking faster or slower.
  • Changes in voice pitch.
  • Taking charge of conversation, attempts to distract you.
  • Continual denying of accusations.
  • Unusual voice fluctuations, word choice, sentence structure.
  • Stalling the conversation by repetitive use of pauses and comments like “um” or “you know.”
  • Lack of use of contractions.
  • Prefers emphasizing “not” when talking.
  • Being extremely defensive.
  • Saying “Trust me.”

2. How they behave or the attitudes they exhibit:

  • Being hesitant.
  • Nervous laughter.
  • Smugness.
  • Uncommon calmness.
  • Providing more information and specifics than is necessary or was asked for.
  • Inconsistencies in what is being shared.

3. In-person behavior clues:

  • Touching chin, covering the mouth, or rubbing brows.
  • Crossed arms or legs.
  • Pupils narrow.
  • Playing with hair.
  • Body language and facial expressions don’t match what is being said such as saying “no”, but nodding head up and down.
  • Avoidance of eye contact, eyes glancing to the right, staring past you or down, or turning away from you while
  • They are talking.
  • Rigid or fidgeting.
  • Slouching posture.
  • Unnatural or limited arm and hand movements.
  • Partial shrug.
  • Lack of finger pointing.
  • May place a barrier such as a desk or chair in front of self.
  • Sweating, even if it isn’t a warm day.
  • Saying “no” several times.

4. Your own inner cues:

  • You sense something is not right.
  • Explanations do not feel enough for you.
  • You feel confused, you find yourself squinting or angling your head.
  • You feel a block or a wall between you and the other.

In Internet dating, or any kind of dating for that matter, keep your anxiety down, your head attached, and LISTEN to everything your date tells you in every way. People tell you about themselves constantly, from the very first second of contact. You have to be willing to hear it. Not only do they tell you by what they do say, they tell you by what they don’t say.

Many of these cues can come from simple distraction or nervousness, not deceit. New daters have plenty of reasons to be anxious. Signs of lying differ from one person to another. Don’t let your own nervousness force a jump to wrong conclusions. Give your date a break and take some time.

Often, Cyber daters move too quickly to the phone and/or a face to face meeting. Gone is the golden opportunity to safely ask questions and study answers slowly and over time. Vastly increased are tension and anxiety, which complicate clear thinking and judgment.

With online dating, you have a tremendous advantage over meeting immediately flesh-to-flesh: You have a written record of what the other tells you. Make use of it! Take your time and get to know your potential Sweetheart the old-fashioned way — through writing!

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

CyberCheapskates and net gold diggers

The ONLY people on these online dating sites who are emailing anyone are the ones who have paid!

The ONLY people on these online dating sites who are emailing anyone are the ones who have paid!

Did you know that  Match.com has around twelve million members, but only a million or so of those listed have paid their dues?

The most asked questions from Romance Clients?  “Why don’t they answer my emails?”  Well, first off, you don’t know and never will.  But it’s a pretty good guess is that this guy or lady is cheap.

If you have had much experience as an Internet dater, you’ve undoubtedly had the experience of putting out first email contacts to prospective Sweetheart and then gotten no answer back.  A response rate of 30% to first emails is considered good!

On Match.com as well as many of the other Internet dating sites, you can post a profile for free, but you have to pay to email other listers or respond to emails sent to you.

You can’t tell the payers from the freeloaders.  And people who aren’t paid members can’t email, either to contact you first, or to answer when you write.  That means that a very high percentage of those people you are carefully looking over are too cheap to pay less than a dollar a day to be able to email you!

Maybe that’s a lot of what’s behind the 30% who do get back to you.  They’re the only ones who are paid up!

Though I live now in Mississippi with my new husband Drew, I’m from Maine.  I still own a house there on a beautiful island in the mid-coast area, so I get back to visit once or twice a year.  Every spring, after the snow melts, all the debris that has accumulated over the winter along the roadsides gets exposed to the light of day.  And along with tulips and daffodils, up spring the “For Sale” signs.

For years I wondered about why so many houses came up for sale every spring.  Every other house seems to be on the market.

Finally, someone explained to me that lots of folks just put out those “For Sale” signs sort of for sport.  All the locals know that summer people are heading this way, and those “city folks” have very distorted ideas about fair property values.  So the sport is to put out a “For Sale” sign, ask a very inflated price, and see if anyone will bite.  If you’re lucky and catch a rich one, you just may be able to fund your retirement.  Otherwise, life goes on, you get to stay in your house, and then try again next year.  Sounds like a form of digging for gold to me.

Believe it or not, lots of people who are listed on dating sites are doing just that:  They put out their “For Sale” sign with their profile and look like they are seriously “in the market” for a Sweetheart.  Really, they have a way over-inflated idea of what they can get and are waiting to see if some fool will bite.  These folks have stuck out their “For Sale” sign, but they aren’t seriously looking.  Except for the jackpot.

In the Internet dating world, this is deceptive advertising in the worse way, because the reader has no way of knowing if the profiler they are interested in is really serious and a paid-up member or not.  The ONLY people on these online dating sites who are emailing anyone are the ones who have paid!  All the others are freeloading teases.

If you are considering CyberRomance or are already posted on a site or two, pay your dues like a grown-up.  Do your part to contribute to the energy and integrity of this wonderful resource for singles.  If there’s a time to “put your money where your mouth is,” this is it.  If you’re serious, pay up. If you’re not serious, stay out of the game.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Kathryn Lord ©  All Rights Reserved

Become a babe magnet without surgery or drugs!

“I’d like to find a partner who dances.  Do you?” my profile on Match.com asked.  My now-husband Drew emailed that he was willing to take lessons, and that was enough for me.  Non-dancer Drew’s courage to put himself out on the dance floor and to show in lesson after lesson his amateur status was truly impressive.  We took private dance instruction for a year before our wedding, and as a result, got around the dance floor quite gracefully at our
reception.

Women are dying to dance.  Any man who can ask a woman to dance, then take charge of what happens on the floor and move relatively smoothly to music, has enormous appeal.  Fat or skinny, short, tall, or not even close to attractive, even old, old, old, a man who is comfortable on the dance floor has his pick of the ladies.

For whatever the reason, dancing intoxicates.  Especially women.

Few men can really dance, and those guys are on the floorconstantly.  Some men think they can dance and do get up, ask the ladies, and have fun.  But at least half the men sit or stand uncomfortably on the sidelines with all the women who wish to be on the dance floor.

We women don’t get to dance nearly as much as we’d like to, even the ladies who are good dancers.  There aren’t enough dancing men to go around. You can almost feel the yearning, the sadness, and the disappointment in those women and between those non-dancing couples.  And the non-dancing guys?  Pathetic.

I personally know three women close to my age who met their now – spouses on the dance floor, and those ladies were great catches! Gentlemen and ladies, there’s a message here.

Guys:

  1. Take lessons and learn how to dance.  Leading well takes skill, but if Drew could learn how, so can you.
  2. Go to dances.
  3. Ask women to dance.  Lots of women.  They’ll love it.  Even if you aren’t so good, they’ll appreciate your efforts.

Dance lessons themselves are good places to meet women, and most dance studios have regular parties for their students to practice what they have learned.

Ladies:

  1. Take dancing lessons yourself and learn how to follow.  Here I was, 50 years old, thinking I loved to dance, and I had no idea how to do the woman’s part!  Following takes skill!  You have to figure out what your partner has in mind for you to do in a split second, and then actually do it, all while dancing backwards.
  2. Buy yourself some real ballroom dancing shoes, maybe with high heels.  Believe it or not, those shoes are comfortable. They have to be.  Not only do they look very sexy, they stay on your feet!
  3. Hang out at dances, too, if you like to dance.  Single guys go to dances.

If you are connected to a dance studio, other single women will be at their parties as well as the studio instructors and male students, so you will know people.  Dance parties are safe and comfortable for single women.

Guys — nothing enhances as man’s romantic marketability more than becoming a decent dancer.  Learning to dance is cost

efficient and relatively painless.  No surgery or blood loss, no sweaty hours at the gym, no personality makeovers needed. Just dance lessons.

What’s stopping you?  Look up the dance studio nearest you and make that call!  You’ll become a dancing babe magnet!

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Kathryn Lord © 2004 All Rights Reserved

Ten best ways to fail miserably at CyberRomance

Are you making those mistakes when dating online?

Are you making those mistakes when dating online?

1. Passivity. Just put your profile on a dating site and then do nothing. The older you are (over 35, especially for women), the gender you are (Men under 40, women over 40), the more obstacles you have that effect your marketability (too tall, too short, too heavy, not attractive enough, not enough hair, etc), the less likely it will be that your ideal someone will get in touch with you first.

2. Rudeness. Don’t answer emails of people who don’t meet your exact criteria. And if you do answer, do not be kind and/or polite in saying “no.”

3. Lying. About your age. About your marital status. About what you look like. The best way? Post an old photo or one that grossly exaggerates your looks.

4. Laziness. Rather than once a day, check your email only when you feel like it. Take your time replying to emails. Do not allow for time for thoughtful responses to potential Sweethearts. Don’t print off their profiles and emails. Don’t make any effort to remember their names or details of their lives.

5. Generalizations. Think and say and of the following as often as possible: “There are no good men out there. All men are interested in is one thing. All women want is a fat wallet. All the good ones are married. All the good ones are gay.” If that’s what you are looking for, that is what you will find.

6. Rigidity. Decide what you must have and be totally unwilling to change or deviate from perfection. Refuse to consider relocating. Insist on changing nothing in your life and that potential Sweethearts totally accommodate to you.

7. Negativity. Crab about the opposite sex or your ex-partner. Be gloomy, nasty, or critical. Complain about the restaurant, the waiter, the food, the weather. Reject and/or argue about every subject your partner brings up. Criticize anything he or she tries to do to please you.

8. Perfectionism. Put off looking for a Sweetheart until you lose ten pounds, get yourself in better shape, fix up your apartment, get a new job, or have your nose fixed. Insist that he or she be perfect, too, and reject anyone who is not.

9. Be unrealistic about what you have to offer and what you can expect in exchange. Overestimate what you can expect in a partner, for instance, somebody rich to rescue you from your own poor financial planning. Or only look for “arm candy,” a pretty or handsome other that will reflect positively on you — you hope. Or underestimate your personal assets, like kindness and stability, or his — loyalty and perseverance.

10. Ambivalence. Don’t get absolutely clear that having a life partner has top priority in your life. Have reservations about how much you are willing to reasonably do. Say that you want a relationship, but act as if you don’t. Thoroughly mix your messages and confuse everyone around you about your intent. Makes sure that nothing changes, and nothing will.

Dating online? The most important thing you need to know…

Having a great photo is the single most important thing you can do when dating online, so visit LookBetterOnline and find out why more than 98% of our customers get better dates, and see how we can help make your online dating experience successful and more fun than you thought possible!

Kathryn Lord ©  All Rights Reserved